FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN
ACTOR, AUTHOR, AND ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR STAND-UP COMEDIANS
IN THE WORLD.
PLEASE WELCOME JIM GAFFIGAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, PROFESSOR GAFFIGAN.
>> I AM A VERY AUTISTIC PERSON.
>> Stephen: VERY -- ( SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE )
ED.
>> THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> Stephen: VERY DISTINGUISHED.
>> I HAD A REPORTER ASK ME ARE ALL STANDUP COMEDIANS SLOBS?
( LAUGHTER ) I WAS, LIKE, I THINK THAT'S AN
INSULT, BUT NOW I'M DRESSED UP FOR YOUR SHOW.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: WE'RE HAPPY TO GET YOU.
ALWAYS GLAD TO SNAG A FEW MINUTES WITH MR. GAFFIGAN
BECAUSE YOU'RE A BUSY MAN, ALWAYS ON TOUR.
ANY UNUSUAL VENUES?
>> I PRETTY MUCH PERFORM EVERYWHERE AND ANYWHERE.
I'M GOING INTERNATIONAL.
LAST YEAR I PERFORMED AT A RODEO.
>> Stephen: WOW!
BECAUSE I HAVE A GOOD AGENT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE
TO ASK THE QUESTION -- >> IT WAS MY FIRST RODEO, IT
WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT WAS.
AND I LOVE THAT SAYING, YOU KNOW, NOT MY FIRST RODEO, AS IF
THE SECOND RODEO IS WHEN IT MAKES SENSE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S, LIKE, OH, NOW I GET IT!
PEOPLE ARE RIDING ANIMALS THAT WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN
AGGRESSIVE PETTING ZOO, BUT IT WAS FASCINATING.
>> Stephen: MAY I ASK WHERE THIS WAS?
>> IT WAS AT THE SAN ANTONIO RODEO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
A BIG TO-DO.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
AND IT WAS SO IMPRESSIVE, AND THERE'S DIFFERENT EVENTS, SOME
OF THEM MORE DANGEROUS THAN OTHERS, SOME OF THEM DIFFERENT
SKILLS, YOU KNOW, LIKE THERE'S THE CA CALF ROPING WHERE A GUY
CHASES DOWN A CALF.
YOU KNOW, LIKE COWS ARE SUPER FAST.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, IN THIS EVENT, A GUY
CHASES DOWN A BABY COW, BUT HE'S RIDING A HORSE, SO IT'S AN EVEN
RACE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN HE LASSOS THE CALF AND
TIES IT UP AND WHOEVER DOES IT THE FASTEST IS MOST LIKELY TO BE
A SERIAL KILLER.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT WAS AMAZING, AND IT'S
JUST LIKE THESE PERFORMERS OR THESE COWBOYS ARE SO INTENSE.
AT ONE POINT, ONE OF THEM CAME UP TO ME AND GOES, YOU DO
STANDUP COMEDY?
I COULD NEVER DO THAT.
AND THEN HE PROCEEDED TO CLIMB ON A BULL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE WORLD NEVER MADE SENSE
AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
FAVORITE EVENT YOU LIKE TO WATCH?
>> I MEAN, THE BULL RIDING WAS -- IT'S INSANE.
>> Stephen: IT'S TERRIFYING.
IT'S 1500 POUNDS OF ANGRY POT ROAST.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, WE LIVE IN SUCH A
RISK-AVERSE SOCIETY, KIDS ARE WEARING HELMETS WALKING DOWN THE
STREET.
AT THE RODEO, THERE'S NO SAFETY MEETING.
THERE'S NO ONE GOING, ALL RIGHT, FELLOWS, I DON'T TO SEE YOU GET
HURT -- WELL, EXCEPT FOR EVERYONE IN THE STADIUM.
( LAUGHTER ) THE BULL RIDING IS SO
IMPRESSIVE.
I WAS SURPRISED, THEY ONLY RIDE THE BULL UP TO EIGHT SECONDS.
THAT'S THE WHOLE TIME.
>> Stephen: YOU HIT EIGHT SECONDS, YOU JUST JUMP OFF?
>> OR SOMEONE RESCUES YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
OMEONE RIDES PAST IN A HORSE AND GRABS THEM OFF.
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A RODEO AND CALL YOURSELF AN AMERICAN?
>> Stephen: I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE RIDING A HORSE UP NEXT
TO YOU AND PULLS YOU OFF, UP NEXT TO AN ANGRY BULL IS THIS.
>> I THINK THE EIGHT SECONDS IS THEIR WHOLE WORKDAY, THAT HAS TO
CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
RIDING AN ELEVATOR, OH, I COULD HAVE RIDDEN THREE BULLS.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE GUYS WHO DO THE FULL EIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY GOOD GUYS OR ARE THE BULLS WEAK?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
ING ASECONDS IS IMPRESSIVE BUT NOT THAT LONG, WHEN YOU CONSIDER
A DEAD BODY COULD RIDE A BULL FOR TWO SECONDS.
THERE'S ONE GUY WHO SAYS, YOU DID GOOD, GOOD, NOT AS GOOD AS
THE CORPSE BUT YOU DID ALL RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
ON A MECHANICAL BULL?
>> I HAVE NOT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE.
IT'S VERY PAINFUL EVEN FOR SHORT PERIODS OF TIME.
>> THAT SEEMS UNNECESSARY.
>> Stephen: THE CHAFING ON THE THIGHS YOU DON'T EXPECT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I WAS WATCHING THIS BULL
RIDING AND JUST THE CORE STRENGTH TO DO THAT, THAT'S
UNNECESSARY.
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, I BARELY HAVE THE CORE STRENGTH TO RIDE A BIKE AT THIS
POINT.
>> Stephen: WERE THERE ARE RODEO CLOWNS?
BECAUSE THEY LOOK FANTASTIC, GOOD JOB.
>> THOSE ARE THE BEST.
I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY CONVINCE SOMEONE TO BE A RODEO CLOWN.
LIKE, THE RIDER THROWN BY THE FURIOUS BULL, WE NEED SOMEONE TO
DISTRACT AND MAYBE ANTAGONIZE THAT 400-POUND ANIMAL.
AND ME AND THE FELLOWS, YOU WOULD BE GOOD AT THAT.
AND THE OTHER GUYS ARE, LIKE, ME?
DO I HAVE PROTECTION?
YOU MEAN LIKE MAKEUP?
NO, SOMETHING TO PROTECT ME FROM THE BULL!
YOU WOULDN'T BE OUT THERE NAKED, YOU WOULD BE DRESSED LIKE A
CLOWN!
OPIATE WHEY THEY'RE DRESSED LIKE CLOWNS.
>> Stephen: IT'S WHEN THEY DAY, IT'S HUMILIATING.
>> DO THEY THINK, LIKE, A BULL'S GOING TO THROW A RIDER AND BE
LIKE -- ( GASPS )
-- WAS THAT A CLOWN?
IS THAT MY BIRTHDAY?
DID YOU GUYS GET ME A CLOWN FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: NOW, RODEO IS --
AND I THINK THIS MIGHT BE LATE TO EVEN SAY THIS -- THAT IS NOT
WHERE I WOULD PICTURE YOUR ACT, LIKE IN THE SAND PIT OUT THERE.
>> LAST YEAR I PERFORMED AT A ZOO.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AT A ZOO?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MY CAREER.
>> Stephen: AT A ZOO?
IT WAS THE TOLEDO ZOO.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY PICKED ME.
GAFFIGAN SHOW, DO IT AT THE ANIMAL JAIL, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) OBVIOUSLY, ZOOS ARE NOT ANIMAL
JAILS.
I MEAN, THE ANIMALS CAN'T LEAVE, AND IF THEY TRIED TO LEAVE,
THEY'D SHOOT THEM, BUT -- ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT WAS OUTSIDE THE TOLEDO ZOO, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
YOU COULD SEE SOME OF THE ANIMALS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING.
THEY WERE PROBABLY, LIKE, WHO'S THE NEW GUY?
WELL, THAT POLAR BEAR REALLY LET HIMSELF GO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT SOME ANIMALS DO PERFORMT AT
THE ZOO AND THEY'RE REWARDED WITH FOOD.
AND I WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A PRETTY SIMILAR ARRANGEMENT, THAT'S WHAT I GET.
>> Stephen: YOUR KIDS TRAVEL WITH YOU SOMETIMES?
>> UNFORTUNATELY, YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS THAT A GOOD ARRANGEMENT?
>> I TOOK MY FAMILY TO EUROPE LAST SUMMER, AND I BROUGHT MY
KIDS, WHICH IS GREAT BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS THERE TO POINT
OUT EVERY INSECURITY YOU HAVE, RIGHT?
THEY'RE, LIKE, YOU KNOW YOU LOOK FAT.
I DO KNOW THAT.
YOU KNOW YOU LOOK LIKE A TOURIST.
YES, I DO KNOW THAT.
IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE WE NEVER WANT TO LOOK LIKE TOURISTS.
>> Stephen: YOU WANT TO LOOK NATIVE.
>> WE WANT TO MIX IN.
IT'S, LIKE, WHAT ARE THE LOCALS DOING?
PEOPLE ARE, LIKE, THEY'RE AT WORK.
CAN I DO THAT?
I WANT TO DO THAT.
WE BEHAVE STRANGELY AS TOURISTS.
WHEN WE'RE IN EUROPE, WE VISIT A BUNCH OF CHURCHES.
YOU NEVER DO THAT AT HOME.
YOU NEVER WAKE UP ON SATURDAY, HEY, YOU WANT TO LOOK AT
CHURCHES?
NO, NEVER.
BUT IT WAS FUN.
>> YOU'VE GOT THE NEW MOVIE AND IT'S CALLED TROOP ZERO.
>> YES.
ON AMAZON PRIME.
IT'S A MOVIE FOR KIDS.
IT'S GOOD FOR KIDS.
EVERYBODY WOULD LIKE IT.
>> IT'S DEFINITELY A MOVIE ABOUT MISFITS AND IT'S A GIRL'S
ADVENTURE STORY.
IT'S FOR EVERYONE, THOUGH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE ON, YOU WERE
PLAYING A MURDERER, RIGHT?
THIS IS BETTER.
HAVE YOUR KIDS SEEN THIS ONE?
>> YOU KNOW, IT CAME OUT ON FRIDAY.
I WAS GONE, BUT, NO, THEY DIDN'T SEE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: DO THEY EVER WATCH YOUR STUFF?
>> I MEAN, I DON'T REALLY -- I DON'T FORCE THEM.
I'M NOT TRYING TO WATCH DADDY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
AND, SO, IT'S -- BUT IT'S WEIRD.
LIKE, THEY MIGHT STUMBLE UPON SOMETHING, BUT THEY'RE NOT
INTERESTED, YOU KNOW.
THERE'S NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER.
>> Stephen: ARE THEY ACTIVELY DISINTERESTED?
>> I WOULD SAY THEY'RE ACTIVELY DISINTERESTED.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT MY SON WATCHING JOHN
OLIVER.
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY ARE YOU HURT MEG LIKE THIS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> THEY WATCH A LOT OF YOUTUBE
SO THEY MIGHT STUMBLE UPON A CLIP AND THEY'RE, LIKE, HEY, I
SAW THAT THING YOU DID, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
LIKE I'M IN A TRIAL PERIOD, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE YOU MIGHT STILL BE MY DAD.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP FROM THE MOVIE.
DUE TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> THIS IS VIOLA DAVIS, THE MOST AMAZING ACTRESS IN THE WORLD --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I PLAY A SINGLE FATHER, I'M A
LAWYER AND MY ASSISTANT OR PARTNER IN THIS BUSINESS IS
VIOLA DAVIS, AND MY DAUGHTER COMES IN, AND SHE'S KIND OF A
VICTIM OF THE BULLYING.
THIS IS SET IN THE '70s.
I GUESS THE REST KIND OF SAYS WHAT IT IS.
>> WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
>> FELL OFF, I GUESS.
YOU LOOK FEROCIOUS, BOSS.
NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT.
>> SO WHO DID THIS?
NO ONE!
THE U.S. TELL HER SHE LOOKS NICE!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH Y'ALL?
>> WHY IS SHE LETTING PEOPLE CUT ON HER HAIR?
>> SHE AIN'T LETTING NOBODY DO NOTHING.
>> CLARIFICATION, BOSS.
OVERRULED.
( PHONE RINGING ) >> THAT WILL BE THE JUDGE.
YOU TELL HIM I'M ON MY WAY, ALL RIGHT?
CAN YOU MAKE SURE SHE GETS SOMETHING TO EAT?
>> Stephen: GOOD FATHER.
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: BLESSINGS TO EVERYBODY.
>> THERE'S THE DOG.
>> Stephen: JIM, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: "TROOP ZERO" IS ON AMAZON PRIME NOW.
JIM GAFFIGAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLIONAIRE AND PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE TOM STEYER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )