Let's kick things off with polls.
There's a new one every 15 minutes, even though none of us
have ever met a single person who's participated in one.
But whatever, someone's doing them.
But a new poll was out today that reminds us
that no matter how dumb our leaders are, we the people
are even dumber.
The Guardian did a commissioned
Harris Poll for Americans and how
they feel about the economy.
55% say the economy is shrinking.
56% say the economy is in recession, which we
know on CNBC is not the case.
49% believe the S&P is down for the year,
which seems incredible.
Which it's up about 13%.
Yes.
And 23% last year.
49% also say unemployment is at a 50 year high.
In fact, unemployment is at a 50 year low or near there.
Under 4%
Right.
All right.
So just to summarize, we think the economy is shrinking, when
it's actually growing, that the stock market is down, when it's
actually up, and that unemployment
is at a 50 year high, when it's actually near a 50 year low.
But we do know that Bennifer is on the rocks,
so we're not completely pathetic.
I mean, it might just be me, but maybe as a society,
we shouldn't have replaced newspapers
with dudes ranting in cars.
I don't know.
And look, in a way I get it.
People don't judge the economy based on data.
They're like, you say the GDP is up, but I say,
I used to be on my cousin's Netflix account
and now I have to get my own.
So yeah, Jerome Powell, we're in a recession.
OK?
But you have to remember-- yeah,
these are not surveys of Americans.
These are not surveys of Americans.
These are surveys of Americans who
are willing to talk to a stranger who cold calls them
in the middle of a work day.
What I'm saying is these people are not normal.
I mean, I ignore phone calls from my own mother.
That's normal.
You get it.
Sometimes I'll get three, four, or five calls in a row,
you know?
There's a bunch of texts like, the car
is filling up with water.
I don't have time for this, mom.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving.
That's normal.
Either way, clearly, Joe Biden needs
to do a better job of getting word
out about the healthy economy.
Maybe he needs a hype, man.
You know how like Notorious B.I.G. had P Diddy.
P Diddy could do it.
What's he up to?
What--
[GROANS]
Is he-- I guess he's not available right now.
OK.
Well, Biden has his work cut out
for him trying to win over people
who aren't fully informed about the stock market.
One of his rivals is going after a much
smaller group of people who are obsessed with it.
US presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy JR.
Is now trying to appeal to amateur traders
on Reddit who call themselves apes
and intentionally invest in distressed companies
like GameStop.
The politician's going on to say that he personally
invested $24,000 in GameStop.
The tweet, accompanied by the bizarre new campaign poster
showing Kennedy and an actual ape,
each holding what appears to be a falcon.
Wait, wait.
Forget GameStop.
Why does this picture look like he's on a honeymoon
with that falcon?
Are they in love or is the falcon
just trying to get a better angle
on that worm in his brain?
Now, you might think it's weird for RFK JR.
to be going after this tiny little specific group,
but don't forget, America is just
a bunch of tiny little specific groups.
First, he gets the Reddit apes, then
he gets the furries, then the tradwives, cottagecore, TikTok,
Disney adults, Jetblue frequent fliers
with mosaic elite status.
And the next thing you know, it's January
and he's giving his State of the Union from burning man.
Let's move on to Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Recently he took over the Republican National Committee
and today, someone sent him a housewarming gift.
We begin with breaking news from the Republican National
Committee headquarters in Washington, DC.
It was placed on lockdown this morning after vials of blood
were sent to the building, according to multiple sources.
We've learned that package was addressed
to former President Donald Trump
and it contained two vials of blood.
What the [BLEEP] is going on here?
Someone sent blood to the RNC?
I guess it could just be Rudy Giuliani's lunch order.
I mean-- but even so, why is anyone sending
blood through the mail?
It's 2024 people.
Fax it.
But seriously, don't send blood to the RNC.
That's reckless.
Now you're going to end up on their mailing list.
But you can see why Donald Trump
might be freaked out by this.
Because as you may have heard, someone
is trying to assassinate him.
Donald Trump is now claiming that the FBI raid on Mar
a Lago two years ago was actually Joe Biden's
attempt to assassinate him.
He pointed to wording in the search warrant
that allowed the FBI to use lethal force if necessary,
which the FBI says is standard protocol in any search.
But in a fundraising email to supporters,
Trump wrote, "They were authorized to shoot me.
And, you know, they're just itching to do the unthinkable.
Joe Biden was locked and loaded, ready to take me out."
Holy shit.
Locked and loaded, ready to take me out?
I've never heard Joe Biden sound
so [BLEEP] cool in my life.
I always thought of him as a doddering old man.
Yeah.
I always thought of Biden as a doddering old man,
but Donald Trump makes him look like one of the expendables.
The rest of you--
the rest of you take what you want, but leave
the orange man to me.
Can you tape Wheel of Fortune?
This might take a little while.
Now, personally, I think it would
be very difficult to assassinate Donald Trump,
mostly because he would never get that close
to a book depository.
But regardless, I don't think Trump actually fears getting
assassinated by Joe Biden, and the reason
is because he announced it in a fundraising email.
If you're dodging bullets, you don't stop
to wave your Venmo QR code.
You know, please, somebody send money.
For more on this so-called assassination conspiracy,
we go live to Josh Johnson.
Josh?
Josh, what's the latest?
Hi, Michael.
I'm at Joe Biden's campaign headquarters in the Donald
Trump assassination room.
And the mood here is frustrating.
Wait.
Wait, Joe Biden actually is trying
to assassinate Donald Trump?
Oh, of course.
Trump is 100% correct, all right.
Biden's been trying to take him out for years.
OK.
The entire FBI raid was their best chance.
They were going to roll into Mar a Lago,
corner Trump in his office, surround him like Scarface
and then be like, braat, braat, braat, braat, braat.
And the Secret Service was going
to be like, skew, skew, skew, skew, skew, skew.
And then Trump was going to be lit up
like, blippity, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip,
bloop, bloop, bloop, ooh.
Mission accomplished.
I don't--
[CHEERS]
I don't think that's how guns sound.
That's because you're not from the streets.
OK.
OK, fine, but if they were trying to assassinate Trump,
why would they raid his house on a day
that he wasn't even there?
Look, they're trying to find Trump,
but the guy's like the wind.
When was the last time you saw him?
I saw him yesterday.
He's been at the New York courthouse every day
for two months.
And when he's not there, he's at a rally
that he promotes on his website.
Damn, how did you know that?
You should join the team.
You could stand right next to me.
Hit him with some of that blippity, blippity.
Ugh.
Josh, Josh.
Josh, I'm positive that's not how guns sound.
Wow, suburban White boy going to tell me about guns?
OK.
All right.
Oh, you're going to laugh at that.
[APPLAUSE]
Like you ever caught a body, Kosta.
Hold on, hold on.
Let's get back to the story.
This is huge news.
Is Biden still trying to take Trump out?
Oh, yeah.
Everything in Donald Trump's life
is a Joe Biden plot against him.
Even the poison.
Poison?
Yeah, what do you think KFC is?
You think that's just a business?
No, no.
It's a 77 year long plan to clog up Trump's arteries.
All right.
And that's not all.
Did you ever notice that Trump has
been aging one day, every single day,
that Biden's been president?
You think that just happens to people?
Wake up, Michael.
It's a secret plot to kill Trump with natural causes.
This [BLEEP] diabolical.
Yeah, I mean, isn't that just how time works?
Why would Biden do something that complicated?
Trump said a president has total immunity
to take out his rivals.
Why can't Biden just use a drone?
Ooh, Drones.
Kosta, you smart.
You sure you don't want to be on the assassination team?
Like, because the drones will be coming down like, cacaw!
Cacaw! Brr.
Brrr.
Drones don't sound like birds.
I know that.
Then why are they in the sky?
OK.
Country club Kosta is going to tell me,
a man from the streets, what a military grade
predator drone sounds like.
It's not important.
Look, Biden is wasting so much time trying to take out Trump,
he's going to end up losing the election to him.
Exactly, and the stress of that job
will kill Trump for sure.
But no, but Trump was already president and he's fine.
Yeah, for one term, but give him three or four more terms
and he's done for.
OK?
And that's the Biden brain, baby.
Wow, it's the perfect plot.
Josh Johnson, everyone.
I mean--