- Communication is key.
Communicate, talk, use your words.
Hey everyone, welcome back to my channel.
I'm Hannah, and today we're gonna talk about
the things that you should ask someone
before you have sex with them.
You might be thinking, "What?
"Are you telling me that I need a checklist in front of me
"as we're sitting on the end of the bed,
"about to get down and dirty,
"and I just have to pull it out, and be like."
(clears throat)
"Before we begin."
No, not like that at all.
These things can be brought up in conversation naturally.
And also, you don't have to do it face to face.
Maybe you've been on a few dates with someone,
maybe you've been flirting with someone online
and you're like, "Hey, wanna bone?"
These things do happen.
You can also have these conversations over the phone,
over text, there is no judgement here.
If you really asked me about the hierarchy of communication,
I probably would say face to face is best.
But I would rather that there be communication
around sex, around sexuality in any form.
It's not like face to face or nothing,
it's more like communicate in any way, shape or form,
whatever suits you.
The goal isn't face to face communication,
the goal is just communication.
And also, sexy conversations over text.
Whoo-hoo.
They can get you real hot and bothered.
And a friend of mine who is a sex researcher from Canada,
Eva Bloom, she was on my podcast talking
about her Master's thesis which is all
about younger people and sexting,
and I'll leave a link to where you can listen to it
and follow her on social media as well,
because she can explain it much better than me.
But basically her results were that people who sext more
tend to report higher sexual satisfaction and pleasure.
So communicating about sex via text,
if you want a good sex life.
I just punched myself in the chin.
Wow. So hopefully that also
gives you a little added incentive to ask these questions.
And without further ado, let's dive in.
Question one, when did you last have an STI check-up?
It's always good to know your status,
and know the status of your sexual partners.
And by phrasing the question like this,
instead of, "Do you have any STIs?"
It feels a lot less accusatory, and also,
you can offer up that information yourself
to lead by example in creating a space
where between you and your sexual partners,
you reduce the stigma around STIs.
And actually by having that conversation,
it immediately creates a environment
of trust and connection and respect.
You don't necessarily have to be in a long term relationship
to respect the people that you're having sex with.
And you should really respect them,
and they should also respect you.
And part of that respect is disclosing
if you do have any STIs or letting them know,
"I got tested last month, and it was all negative."
Okay, good to know, thanks for telling me.
By asking that question, but then also offering up
your answer to it, hopefully that would help
that exchange be a bit easier.
Also, if you've never had that kind of conversation
with a sexual partner before, it might feel really daunting.
But the more you do it,
and just the more normal you force it to be,
the more normal it will actually eventually feel.
Fake it 'til you make it.
Don't take that advice with orgasms though.
Also, your communication should be non-judgemental,
that is also how we try and reduce the stigma around STIs.
Question two, what protection shall we use?
Obviously the classic question that we hear people asking
in the movies and on TV is, "Do you have a condom?"
And yeah, that might be a question that you ask,
but I phrase this is, "What protection shall we use?"
There might not be a person with a penis in this scenario,
so you wouldn't need a external condom.
You might want to use an internal condom,
you might want to use dental dams.
But please bring up the conversation around protection.
Just being on the pill is not enough,
'cause that does not protect you from STIs.
And even if you did have the conversation about STIs,
and you're both like, "Yeah, I got tested last month,
"and it was negative,
"and I haven't slept with anyone since."
Just better safe than sorry.
It's just a good habit to get yourself into.
You can use gloves if you're doing anything
with your fingers, that can be
if you've got like cuts on your hand.
But also, if you've got sharp nails, you know?
Cover them up with some gloves.
Okay the arguably more boring
but definitely essential questions out of the way.
Question three, what turns you on?
Now you don't have to ask it in this exact wording,
but found out what they're into.
What gets them all hot and horny, what do they desire?
What do they lust after?
Think of this one though more broadly,
what kind of a mood gets them aroused?
What kind of a vibe?
What is the tone?
That sounds really weird to think,
but like do they like to be relaxed,
or is that not necessary for them.
They like just to walk through the door
and then be pounced upon.
You know, that can be something that you discuss prior.
How do they want to be feeling?
What kind of relationship dynamics get them off?
This one is more general, but I still think
it's really important to kind of lay down
what kind of environment turns them on.
And also turns you on, again, reciprocate
by giving your own answers.
And also should point out that all of these questions
don't have to be done in one conversation.
They can be done over multiple conversations
potentially leading up to when you're sleeping together.
I know that sounds like it's this really planned thing
of like, "We're going to sleep together on this day."
But sometimes that happens.
Other times, if it is a one night stand,
maybe there's a way of like talking about these things
in the various conversations that you're having
throughout the evening, and then when you are alone,
it doesn't have to be like.
(clears throat)
Excuse me, let me get my clipboard out.
Right, check off these things.
Although, I might find that sexy.
If someone like got out a list of questions,
and was just like, "Okay, what do you like,
"this is what I like."
I'd be like, "Hello." (laughing)
Number four, this is when we can get more specific.
Ask them what do they like doing,
and what do they like being done to them.
So this is when you can kinda start chatting
about specific sex acts.
What do they enjoy?
What do you enjoy?
Where's your crossover?
What are some of the things
that you can do together, and get excited for?
Part of dirty talk as well,
like this could all come into part of dirty talk.
The trick to dirty talk is just say what you want to do,
say what you're going to do, say what you're doing,
and say what you just did.
Like it's that easy.
Although, it's not really that easy,
'cause people obviously do find it hard.
But it can be that easy.
And so think of this fourth question as like
the describing what you want to do stage of dirty talk.
And number five, equally as important, what don't you like?
Is there anything that is off limit, speak now.
Not or forever hold your peace,
you can bring it up at any time, obviously.
There's not like your one opportunity
to say what you don't like.
But you should definitely at least
give someone the space to feel like
they can say what they don't like,
because sometimes if that space isn't made,
someone might not feel like they can bring it up,
or they're not sure when to bring it up.
And you want to make sure that everyone feels
super comfortable, relaxed, and taken care of.
Wow, that doesn't really sound like sex,
but that is sex, right?
♪ I just wanna be held ♪
So it's important to set boundaries.
And this might be physical sex acts,
or it might be like, "Please don't use the word pussy,
"I don't like that word."
Or like, "Yes talk dirty to me," or like, "Call me daddy."
Or like, "No, please do not call me daddy."
You might love being scratched and having your hair pulled,
or you might hate having your hair touched.
Maybe let the other person know that,
and also give them the space to tell you
what they don't like.
Number six, always good to establish,
what's your relationship status?
Are they single, are they in a relationship,
are they married?
Asking this question is just about getting the full picture,
and then you can make the decision about whether or not
you still want to continue.
If they're in a monogamous relationship, if they're married,
great for them for being honest
with you at least, and telling you.
And then what happens between two or more adults
in private is their own business,
but you make that judgement call yourself.
But it's always just good to know going into the situation,
what everyone's relationship status is,
so everyone is on the same page,
and there are no mixed expectations.
I want to make it clear that I'm not endorsing cheating,
but I'm a realist, unfortunately it happens.
And I think when you are getting into
sexual relationships with people,
it's just good to know their relationship status
so you can make the most informed decision
that you can in that moment of what you want to do about it.
And the what's your relationship status question
also applies to people who are in open relationships,
or polyamorous, giving yourself a full picture
of what the situation is, where they're at,
if you're okay with getting involved with someone
who is in that kind of relationship style.
Like I said, everything on the table,
so you know what you're getting into.
Question seven, is this casual?
I'm not entirely sure on the best way
to phrase this question, 'cause the other way
that you hear a lot of people asking it is,
"So, what is this?"
And that's so vague, that's so vague.
That question can just be answered any way
and you're never gonna get the answer that you want from it.
And I think, "Is this casual?"
Is an easier question to ask than, "Is this serious?"
Although, whichever one you choose to say,
that implies that that's the one that you're after, maybe,
that's what might be taken from it.
But again, you can get rid
of all assumptions if you just communicate.
That's what this entire video is about, communication.
So this is more about establishing
what are they looking for,
what are the expectations going in?
Do they want to do it again?
Are they looking for this to be just a one time thing,
or a recurring thing?
Is it going to be recurring casually,
or recurring maybe in a more serious relationship sense?
Who knows?
Casual doesn't mean it's not serious.
You can have a serious casual sexual relationship.
You take the casualness of it really seriously.
I've definitely been in that spot before.
For this one, it's especially important for you to know
what you're looking for, and what you're expectations are.
If you are seeking a relationship,
if you are seeking a long term romantic partner,
and you're like maybe gonna sleep with someone,
you've been chatting with them for a while.
Or you meet someone on a night out, or whatever it is,
or you're on a date with someone,
it's important to establish that.
And you shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting what you want.
And likewise, with being casual,
if you are only looking for casual partners,
be upfront about that.
Let the other people know that that is your situation.
So again, manages expectations, everyone's on the same page,
hopefully no tears.
That's all we're aiming for, no tears.
Tears are fine, crying is fine obviously,
but no one wants to be the cause of someone else's tears,
that's not fun, is it?
And number eight, are you sleeping with anyone else?
This kind of ties in the relationship status questions,
but also question one about your STI status.
This also just helps give a fuller picture
of what you're getting into,
and like what the relationship is going to be,
and what the dynamic might be.
And if it's gonna be casual, or if it's a one time thing,
or figuring out what kind of protection
that you want to use.
And also, it can be a sexy thing as well,
because some people like to hear
about their partners' sexual adventures with other people,
and that can help get the ball rolling
in terms of like, "Well, what do you like to do together?"
And like, "Tell me."
And you can get all like hot and heated that way.
I also wanted to point out that some of these questions
shouldn't just be asked before you sleep with someone,
but during as well.
So the questions about what turns them on,
what they like, what they don't like,
those should be brought up almost just flowing
throughout your sexual encounter.
This could take the form of, do you like that?
What would you like me to do next?
Is that okay? Does this feel good?
Obviously my tone now isn't very sexy,
but I'm sure you can make it
sexy when you're in that moment.
So those are eight questions that you should ask someone
before you have sex with them.
And please let me know in the comments
if you can think of any other questions
that might be useful or interesting and sexy
to ask someone who you wanna have sex with.
Now that I've said that, I realise a lot of you
might be thinking, obviously the number one question is,
hey, do you wanna have sex?
And yes, I agree.
When I wrote this list, in my head,
you'd already established that you want to have sex.
But also, consent isn't just something
that you ask a question, you're like, "Wanna bang?"
Yes, great, consent, tick.
And I think I mentioned this in another video.
Consent is threaded into all of these questions,
and if you have these conversations with a sexual partner
and everyone is communicating and on board,
then consent is part of that.
Thank you for watching,
please like this video if you liked it,
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'cause I make new videos every week.
And I'll see you in the next one, bye.