Hello I m Darren Magee and todays topic comes form some questions asking Are there ways to
stop being narcissistic? Questions include, How do I stop being like this? , How do I
break the cycle? Now, I know there are people who will say that narcissists can't change,
they don't want to change, and in many cases they could well be right. Remember however,
narcissism, like everything else is on a spectrum and often it comes down to
the individual. It s never a one size fits all, and I have said previously that some
narcissistic people can change if they want to and if they put the work in. And if there
are people with deeply ingrained narcissistic traits that are asking for ideas to help change,
that suggests awareness. So today I'm going to give a few ideas to help address narcissism if
you're aware of it and if you want to change. But I will begin by saying the following isn't
a substitute for support from a mental health professional. They are just some ideas that can
help from a behavioural perspective. So the first thing, and probably the most important thing,
is to seek the support of a therapist to help you understand yourself and others better,
and to try to learn better ways of managing many of life's difficulties and challenges. Also,
narcissism often co-occurs with other issues such as depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress,
childhood neglect, substance misuse and so on. So I can't emphasise enough the importance of seeking
the help of a therapist to help understand and address comorbidities and underlying
issues. So seeing a therapist would be the first thing. Secondly, practise active listening. It
can be difficult to listen to someone whenever you're thinking of an answer before they even
finished speaking. Active listening involves being attentive towards other people without
interrupting them or judging them. Try to focus on understanding the other person's emotions,
thoughts and needs rather than trying to formulate a response that makes the conversation about you
or your experiences. A common trait of narcissism is attention seeking and needing constant
validation. Now we all talk about ourselves and our experiences to some degree. But try not to
turn conversations into being about you, making statements that are all about your competency,
affluence, achievements, anything that s self-aggrandizing. But don't go the other way
either. If someone is telling you about their difficulties don t try to outdo them talking
about how no one has it as bad as you. Remember conversations don't have to be competitions. So
take a moment to think about what it is you want to say. Is it relevant to what someone is saying
to you? Maybe try asking a few questions, be curious. Show that you're interested in what
someone is telling you. Asking questions relevant to the topic is a way of showing that you're
paying attention. Another way to show that you're listening is to paraphrase back what someone
has just said to you. Not repeating the same words, that would be more like parroting. Next,
and I know it sounds quite simple, but pay people compliments. Show appreciation. Not just that they
look nice or something, but praise them for their efforts. For instance, if someone makes a meal,
thank them and compliment their cooking. Someone holds the door open for you, thank them for their
kindness. Even if it is someone you genuinely don't like compliment their skills to others,
even if they're not there. Recognise that they may have admirable characteristics that you appreciate
and if it s the case even acknowledge that you've learned a lot from them. Try to find a balance,
you don't have to go overboard with praise, and the temptation can be if they're good at
something well their probably bad at something else. Acknowledge and appreciate them. When
others complementary acknowledges and thank them and pay attention. Recognise you don't
necessarily lose anything when others are being recognised for their talents and abilities. Next,
and similar to being appreciative, and that s show gratitude. Say please and thank you.
Another common characteristic of narcissism is a sense of entitlement. Gratitude shows other people
you recognise and appreciate their efforts and their contributions. So pay attention to
others and their efforts and acknowledge them. Showing gratitude can be a way of showing that
you weren't expecting anything and it can be a way of making others feel valued. Moving on and
this can be a difficult one, but try to respond in a balanced way to criticism. Try to respond
positively if the criticism is constructive. Now to be fair no one really likes criticism,
especially when it's abrasive and none of his react well to it at times, but acknowledge it.
Criticism doesn't have to be a personal attack on you. It could be about a project you're working
on or a behaviour that someone would like you to change. Narcissistic people can be highly
disagreeable and argumentative, especially if they're feeling attacked. But remember,
getting the last word doesn't always mean someone is right. Sometimes all it means is they shut the
other person down. If you disagree with someone, then disagree without being abrasive. You can
still listen to what they're saying, and it can feel uncomfortable but allow them their version
of events. The more you try to defend yourself, the less the person will feel heard and the less
chance there is of a resolution. And even regardless of how criticism is delivered,
there may just be a piece of information that you could use to improve something. Now if you have to
take a bit of time to think about what was said as well as how it was said, and try to come up with a
measured response, sometimes maybe even thanking someone for their feedback or be assertive if
you have to. Next is to take responsibility for yourself, your thoughts, your feelings and your
actions. You are in charge of you. If you mess up, then own it. Now it can feel embarrassing,
maybe even shameful but it is not a weakness to acknowledge our limitations, errors or flaws.
Rather it can be a sign of strength and integrity, and it is actually something that many people find
admirable in others. The temptation can be to deflect, deny and blame others. But if you are
honest with yourself, evading responsibility may have gotten you out of difficult situations in
the past, but only for a moment. Notice how those situations seem to keep re occurring, sometimes
they even got worse. So it can be uncomfortable to accept responsibility, but in the longer term
you just might find feelings of shame beginning to dilute and interactions and relationships
improving. And if you have to apologise for something, then do so and do it sincerely,
not just as a way to stop the conversation. Show regret and a commitment not to act in that way
again. To follow on from that, validate others. Even if they are pointing out something that you
have done or said that hurts them, validate them because validating someone else doesn't
necessarily mean you're invalidating yourself. When you validate others feelings, it doesn't
necessarily mean you agree with them, doesn't even necessarily mean you fully understand them. But
you are acknowledging and accepting they feel that way. Next, now you don't have to become a
superhero or go out of your way to be altruistic, but if you see someone struggling with something,
offer assistance, regardless of their status or who's around. Don't do something expecting them
to be grateful, or something you think will impress others. Ask them do they need help.
Recognise as well that you can support someone by encouraging them. You don't have to take
something off them and it for them. Speaking of encouragement, something else to try could be to
encourage others and celebrate in their success. Showing someone that you feel good for them can
be a way of building connection and fostering mutually supportive relationships. And lastly,
practise humility. No one knows everything and no one can do everything. Acknowledge and appreciate
that others have skills, knowledge, talents that you don't have and if you feel envy let that envy
be inspirational rather than resentful. And also acknowledge that you might have skills
or competency in some areas that others don't. Again, try to find a balance. But if you want to
practise humility, as Doctor Ruth Ann Harpur once said on her channel, go and do something your crap
at. Learn to fail at something that's not a big deal and pay attention because if people laugh,
they could well be laughing with you, not at you. So there are just some ideas to practise to help
overcome narcissistic traits and behaviours. But as I said at the beginning of the video, they are
just some ideas regarding changing behaviours and I'm not going to pretend that any of this is easy
or that change will come overnight. Like I said at the beginning of the video, maybe therapy is
your first port of call. But if you've made it this far, that suggests there is something in
you that wants to change, and that's a good place to start. In therapy, you can learn to understand
yourself better, learn emotional regulation and healthier ways to interact with others.
It can take a lot of hard work a lot of time and getting it wrong before getting it right. But it
can be worth it. I hope you find this video to be helpful, but if there's anything you might like to
add for others who may be struggling to change, anything you think they might benefit from,
please feel free to use the comments section. But if you find this video to be helpful to
be interesting, please consider subscribing and until next time, thanks for watching.