- Hey, what's up Z Pac?
It's your boy ZDoggMD, AKA Dr. Zubin Damania.
A bunch of y'all have asked me to watch this new
show on NBC, New Amsterdam,
about building a better healthcare system.
So me and Tad are going to watch, right now.
Join us.
("I Feel Good" by James Brown)
♪ I feel good. ♪
(foreign language being spoken on laptop)
- Let me guess, their speaking in Spanish, about him.
He understands Spanish, they don't realize it,
and it's going to be aye yi yi,
mi estomago!
(laughter)
- There you are, I knew you'd get lost.
- All the new Medical Directors get lost.
(gasps)
- Que?
(laughter)
Que loco!
- No pulse, no BP, cyanotic rigor mortis.
- I need a defib ventilator, ALS, and resus--
- What's a "defib ventilator?"
Am I missing something?
- New Amsterdam is America's first public hospital.
Patients don't need insurance.
- Did you know man, that like, New Amsterdam,
was like, the first place where they
had legal medical marijuana, bro?
'Cause everything is legal in New Amsterdam.
- Hey Reynolds.
- One second.
Hey.
- I'm thinking about you.
You want to grab a drink later?
- I can't.
- You know when I say "grab a drink",
I don't really mean "grab a drink."
- She means go and have sex.
(laughter)
I mean I don't mean to give away the,
it's like a secret patois that we doctors have.
Like, when we say "Let's go grab a drink, Dr. Edwards",
and Dr. Edwards looks at me and goes,
"Yeah bro, let's do that."
The next thing you know, anal sex.
- Okay why don't we try this, I'll go first.
Will everyone in the cardiac surgical department please
raise your hands.
Don't be shy, just get them up there!
Great.
Thank you.
You're all fired.
(crowd gasps and groans)
Any department who places billing above care, no matter
how much money you make this hospital,
you will be terminated.
Oh, I am serious.
Sorry.
- What I love is they just get up and leave.
(laughter)
Their like, "Sounds good to me!"
"I've been waiting to get out of this
"(bleep) hole for years!"
This guy just escaped from Wakanda.
(laughter)
(mumbles in background)
- Doctor Frome?
- Please sign in and take a seat.
- Doctor Frome.
- That's supposed to be a psychiatric patient?
Really?
You gonna psych shame people like that?
Like, bring in a beautiful young girl with a funny beanie,
and make her go, "Doctor Squeaky Frome!"
I mean, she looks like Avril Lavigne
escaped from a Lindsey Lohan convention.
- I will.
- Dr. Frome!
Dr. Frome!
Doctor!
- Dr. Frome!
Dr. Frome!
Doc-doc-doc-doctor Frome!
I said a rock me Dr. Frome!
- Frome!
- I got it, Jemma, hi!
- I mean we all know real mental illness is when
someone comes up to you and they're like,
"You know, the blacks did 9/11 and I can prove it!"
And you're just like, "mmhmm!"
- To do what?
- To run the cardiac surgical department.
- There is no cardiac surgical department.
- Then build one.
A good one.
I mean it's only people's hearts we're talking about.
- It's not like it's their penises,
because you know I had them build a urology department
and they were like "Well, yeah, it's their penises
"so let's build it!"
- You can't say no.
You're already unpacked.
- I don't know what specialty this guy is,
but a cardiac, cardiothoracic surgeon,
would never let almost any other specialty
talk to him like that.
"You just unpacked."
"I took your pictures out of the box and put
"them here, tough guy. It's just hearts."
(punching sound)
Right in the face.
- Doctor um--
- Goodwin.
But call me Max.
I was just taking an interest.
- Surely you don't have the time to take
an interest in every single case.
- Oh no, now they've done it.
They've brought in the Desi doctor, the Indian.
You know, I love doing these show reviews, of medical shows,
because I always get to do an Indian accent.
You know why?
Because Indians (bleep) run medicine, (bleep).
Okay?
Quote it.
- Let me find my glasses so that I can read her chart.
Oh, there they are.
Thank you.
- First they fire you, then they laugh at you.
Then you find your glasses.
Gandhi.
- Ebola isn't airborne.
But if you develop symptoms, you will join him.
Until then, you will help him.
Everyone interacting with the patient is required to wear
personal protective equipment at all times.
No short cuts, ever.
♪ Wear a vest for your Jimmy in the City of Sex ♪
I believe Dr. Dre was the first doctor
to use personal protective equipment in a public forum.
- Your husband said you are taking haloperidol.
- For two years.
For depression.
- And last year you were diagnosed with Parkinson's?
- Does any of it explain why--
- Let me guess, the Haldol, which by the way is not
the appropriate treatment for straight depression,
maybe psychotic features,
is causing Parkinsonian side effects?
(gasps)
I'm Dr. House, (bleep), enjoy yourself!
- You, uh, wanna grab a drink tomorrow?
- I can't.
- There it is with the drink again.
(popping sound effects)
(laughter)
That's what that means.
- Uh, look, Lauren.
I think you're great.
- "Here's the problem, you're not black.
"That upsets me."
I'm never going to use that.
- I wish I could, I really do.
But I can't.
- Because?
- Because.
- Hey, I'm a big girl, I can take it?
What?
- Because you're not black.
- Oh!
I called it!
I thought I was just being a racist (bleep)!
- This is Detective Rose from NYPD,
and Agent Bratton from the FBI.
- CDC alerted us to your patient with Ebola.
(laughter)
- "Take me to the location of Morpheus,
"I'm an agent of the CDC.
"Find them, and destroy them!"
- Well, move Sugarman to Wednesday,
and I'll do Hinkle via Skype from the hotel.
Just make sure I have his updated--
Ron, Ron, I said JFK.
Why are we back at New Amsterdam?
- Uh, just so you know, this lady is living
my lifestyle, okay?
I'm always in the back of the limo like
"You tell him I'll Skype him.
"You tell Oz to suck a (bleep)!
"Okay? I'm ZDogg(bleep)MD, do you know who I am (bleep)?
"This hospital can't survive without my ass!
"Publicity!"
Also, the cable company screws with me, I'm like
"Do you know who I am (bleep)?
"I will go out do a live show right now, rip
"Cox a new one God damnit!
"Yes I'll hold."
When I go to McDonalds and they're like
"an extra chicken nugget sauce is ten cents"
I'm like, "(bleep) do you know who I am?
"I'm Zdogg-mother-(bleep)-MD"
(laughter)
- Come back in 48 hours, or don't come back at all.
- Okay, I just made a connection.
She's black.
The cardiothoracic surgeon is black.
(laughter)
Maybe they should get drinks together, eh?
Eh?
I just solved,
I'm a match maker, match maker, I made a match.
You know what they say in Hong Kong?
Two Wong's make a White.
What?
(dramatic music and heart rate monitor beeping)
Uh!
She just cric'd the guy's airway with like a 14 gauge IV.
(laughter)
Good luck with that!
(striderous wheezing)
Wakanda!
- Heart rate is dropping, he needs adrenaline!
(dramatic music and heart rate monitor beeping)
(laughter)
- That's what I'm talking about!
Total horse(bleep).
Unbelievable.
By the way, for the non-medical people, it's a thing.
You don't say it's going to be quiet at work,
because then it becomes a (bleep) (bleep) show.
You go in going "You know what?
"My wife's going to have a baby that's full of Ebola,
"I'm going to get shot with Ebola blood in the eye,
"a black guy's going to turn down a white chick
"because he wants a black chick,
"and the Wakanda guy is going
"to turn out to be a terrorist."
You GO IN with that attitude.
And then it's just smooth sailing (bleep).
All the way.
- I still want a transfusion.
And someone tell me the baby's heart rate.
- I can't find it.
- Suzanne?
- Come on.
There you are baby girl. - Oh, God!
- All that drama because the dip(bleep)
couldn't find the heart?
You don't say "I, there's no pulse!"
You go, "Man, let's just find, there it is!"
(bleep)
What kind of bedside manner is, this is supposed
to be Health 3.0?
(bleep) you Hollywood, you piece of (bleep)!
- Looking good.
- Coldplay's "Fix you", that's what the caption said.
I'm glad at least they got the soundtrack
to (bleep) suck at least as much as the show.
Jesus!
No, that's not a trach.
(laughter)
(clapping)
You're not dying!
You just have a bizarre African virus
that may still kill you.
- You wanna grab a drink?
- Seriously?
Now?
- Tad...
I'm going to kiss you, is that alright?
Do you wanna get a drink?
So, that was the episode?
Like, okay, he has cancer, they do a bunch of stuff,
it all wraps up nicely at the end.
That's not medicine.
And vaguely, I'm insulted, because people told me
"This is about Health 3.0".
No it's not.
This is about Hollywood trying to be ridiculous about what
health care transformation looks like.
Their entirely forgetting that until our incentives change,
until our actual system changes,
you can't do the things that he's trying to do.
You can't spend time with patients.
You can't have these nice stories wrap up so beautifully.
You can't have end of life conversations
with someone who's dying of cancer.
And you certainly can't have an emergency doc
biopsy your throat and diagnose squamous cell
cancer SAME DAY.
So.
So let's get real.
We need health care transformation.
I'm glad we're talking about it.
But this, in this tribe, guys, is where we'll actually
have an actionable plan and an actionable
movement to change (bleep).
So sure!
Watch the show if you like drama.
If you like actual health care transformation,
hit the subscribe and supporter button.
Join us in the Super Pack, and we will
(bleep) (bleep) up for real!
And I don't even have to get cancer to do it,
although I will if I have to take a hit for the team.
I love you, Tad.
Let's get a drink.
("Fix You" by Coldplay)