I love the demographics here.
We have young people,
we have old people.
I'm the old people,
you're the young people.
(audience laughing)
I have daughters your age.
It makes me nervous.
Because you can't look at girls
the same way.
When you have daughters in their 20s
and their 30s, you look at girls
like this, you can't look at them
like a guy looks at a girl.
I'm looking at her right now,
I'm going, does she have money
for Uber?
(audience laughing)
Does she have a coat that's going
to keep her warm, or anything?
Does her mother know she's here?
(audience laughing)
Does she have to go on those dating
sites?
I don't want to die alone.com.
(audience laughing)
I worry about you.
(audience laughing)
For no reason, except that I have
daughters.
You've ruined my life.
(audience laughing)
Get out.
(audience laughing)
No, don't get out.
(audience laughing)
Poor baby.
You'll make me drive you home
in my rent-a-car.
(audience laughing)
To your house.
(audience laughing)
What is your name?
- Carly.
- Carly?
Are you sure?
(audience laughing)
How old are you, 22?
- 19.
(audience laughing)
♫ The wheels on the bus
♫ go round and round,
♫ round and round ♫
(audience applauding)
She's so cute.
I'm Carly, I'm 19.
(audience laughing)
Oh, he's so funny, that man
with a big nose.
(audience laughing)
You remind me of my daughter
when she was 16.
My younger daughter
when she was 16,
that was a big time for me.
She turned 16, she officially
changed my name from John Joseph
to whatever.
(audience laughing)
She didn't have one shirt that
covered her belly.
Every shirt stops here.
They're like neck bandannas.
But Daddy's the idiot when he says
"Emily, don't you have any shirts
"that cover your belly?"
You are so stupid.
(audience laughing)
These are the clothes we wear.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
In those days,
I used to have the flip phone.
You remember the flip phone?
I love that phone.
The 9 didn't even work.
I had that phone so long the 9 was
just broke, it didn't work.
So if there was an emergency,
I had to dial 411.
"Hello, information, call 911.
"I'm on fire."
(audience laughing)
My kid had the iPhone 7 WS
to the third power.
You press a button,
another boyfriend came out.
(audience laughing)
She called it an app.
And she would never call me.
She would text me.
She could text me 30 times
in 10 seconds.
She would make one call
at the end, daddy
why don't you text me back?
"I'm just trying to find the L, OK.
(audience laughing)
"I'm not 19."
(audience laughing)
She's 19.
She could jump off the stage
and land on her head,
and go play volleyball.
(audience laughing)
Nothing would hurt.
There would be no bruises.
Look at me. Look at me!
(audience laughing)
I hurt myself sleeping.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
(audience laughing)
I literally, woke up, 3:00 AM,
middle of the night,
with the worst cramp in the world.
I had a cramp.
I had to get out of bed.
I was walking like this.
And then, all of a sudden, my wife
wakes up because it's 3:00
in the morning.
"What are you doing awake?
"It's 3:00 in the morning."
I can't-- she doesn't really talk
like that.
But I've been married a long time.
She doesn't use words anymore,
just high pitch sounds.
"Eeeee..."
(audience laughing)
I've changed so many batteries
in the smoke alarm
until I realized it was her voice.
So I have to force myself to sleep
through the pain.
So I don't have to hear that sound
anymore.
(audience laughing)
There were other husbands
outside walking their dogs.
They would hear eeeeee.
(audience laughing)
She's 19 years old.
She looks in the mirror to see
how pretty she is.
Make sure her eyeliner matches
her purse.
And it matches this,
and it matches that.
Look at me.
I look in the mirror to see what
new stuff just grew on my body.
(audience laughing)
The older you get, the more
your body becomes a farm
for foreign growth.
You spend more time looking
in the mirror
after you're 50 than you ever did
when you're 19.
I can't even walk past the elevator
in the hotel I'm staying in without.
What the heck is this?
(audience laughing)
I have to brace myself
before I sneeze.
(audience laughing)
Do you have any idea what I did
to my neck the last time I sneezed?
(audience laughing)
I couldn't turn my head
for two weeks.
(audience laughing)
Now I feel a sneeze coming on.
I have to get
into a defensive sneeze position.
OK, spread your legs.
Loosen-- get the knees
loose, loose, loose.
OK, look straight ahead.
Don't turn.
(audience laughing)
(sneeze)
Then it's like you're in a car
accident.
All right, I got my fingers,
I got my feet.
I can move on
till the next sneeze.
(audience laughing)
I want to show you something here.
Because there will be signs.
You're not always going to be 19.
I mean, look around you.
Some of these people were 19.
And then things change.
And there are signs that they're
changing.
One day you'll walk down the stairs
in your house.
You'll stop in the middle and go,
was I going up or down?
(audience laughing)
One day, this will happen to you.
I just bought these glasses.
Do you know why I bought
these glasses?
to find these glasses.
(audience laughing)
You know what's important
when you get older?
Not intimacy.
Pee, very important.
(audience laughing)
You could live
in a little tiny one-bedroom
apartment.
5:00 o'clock in the morning,
one of you gets out of bed.
What's the other one say?
Where are you going?
(audience laughing)
"I'm going to Radio City, audition
"for the Rockettes.
(audience laughing)
"I'm going to pee."
Well, how you have to-- now
I have to pee.
Why do you say it?
"Because you just asked me.
"But don't use the word pee."
You know it makes me pee.
30 seconds later, are you still
in there?
"Nope, I'm in Bermuda.
"I don't know how I got here.
"Some kind of time travel."
(audience laughing)
And my wife has the smallest kidney
on the face of the Earth.
I can't drive anywhere.
Stop the car.
I have to pee.
"We're in the driveway."
(audience laughing)
What's the difference?
Why are you crying?
(audience laughing)
Do I make you sad?
(audience laughing)
Look at how she's hanging on to you.
No one's going to take him.
(audience laughing)
What's your name?
- Jordan.
- Jordan?
Of course, it is.
Why wouldn't it be?
(audience laughing)
How old are you, Jordan?
- 25?
- You had to think?
(audience laughing)
- 20-- carry the one--
(audience laughing)
- He's 24.
- Is this-- what are you,
his manager?
(audience laughing)
Let the kid talk.
(audience laughing)
Are you guys married?
Oh, no wonder she's talking.
You won't be doing any more of that.
(audience applauding)
We think we rule the world.
But when we get married,
we know better.
The queen rules everything.
A wife can make her husband do
anything.
She doesn't use logic,
she don't use reason.
She uses a sound only husbands
and dolphins can hear.
(audience laughing)
"Honey, go get milk and bread."
OK, right after the game,
(whining)
All right!
And the longer you're married,
the more they use that sound.
"I'm getting my nails done."
But I thought--
(whining)
Here's the money.
I'll drive you.
(audience laughing)
When she's gone for three hours
at a hair salon, when she comes back
you better know exactly what
she did to her hair.
If you don't, stab yourself
in the eye with a pen.
(audience laughing)
How do you like my hair?
"Hey, you got it cut."
It's highlighted!
(whining)
I thought that was a marker.
Now, look, I don't want you people
to misunderstand me.
Obviously, there's a lot of happily
married people here.
I'm not saying marriage is bad.
I'm saying it's horrible.
Because I don't care how in love
two people are.
No one on this planet
can tell me after living
with one person
20, 30 years that the guy that's
going to wake up one morning,
look across the breakfast table
and say, Oh my, it's you again.
this is--
It's like Groundhog Day.
(audience laughing)
And there's no way she's not looking
at you going, great, monkey boy.
Pick up your pants, baboon-butt.
Do I have to look at that
for breakfast?
(audience laughing)
And grocery shopping.
You go grocery shopping
for your wife?
- She does.
There's a reason for that.
Big reason.
My wife sends me grocery shopping.
It's like sending a seven-year-old
for wallpaper.
(audience laughing)
Husbands walk around the store
like they're lost.
(audience laughing)
There's a lot of breads.
There's round.
There's oval.
What do you mean, there's balloons
on the wrapper?
They have bread with balloons
on the--
excuse, me.
Do you work here?
Could you talk to my wife?
(audience laughing)
The only thing dumber than sending
your husband, is taking him
with you.
Because women are nesters.
They know where everything is.
They have a GPS.
(audience laughing)
They walk 5 feet in front
of their husband.
They have the list, the coupon,
the pen.
They know what they're doing.
The man has one job, push the cart,
don't talk.
(audience laughing)
We grab the first cart.
The wheels broke.
Sounds just like your wife.
(screeching)
There's men in front
of the grocery store,
walking their dogs.
(screeching)
(audience laughing)
Not allowed to touch
the stuff on the shelves.
Oh, one time,
I'm trying to get the tissues.
I'm tall, my wife is short.
I'm trying to help her.
"No no no not those tissues."
What's wrong?
"They don't match the towels.
"just watch my purse."
(audience laughing)
Then you look at another husband
with his wife.
You give him that look.
(audience laughing)
Any questions?
(audience laughing)