Today I wanted to talk about punishment and consequences. Now in common parenting
punishment is what parents usually do for their children when they misbehave.
Punishment is defined by giving them some type of consequence that is
negative. For example, if a child doesn't take out the garbage, for example, then
they're given a punishment of being grounded. Okay.
Or they may be told that they can't go and hang out with their friends. An
action then leads to a punishment. Now we as Smarter Parenting focus on
consequences which is largely different than a punishment. Consequences are
focused on what is the behavior and what is the natural consequence of that
behavior and how can we tie those things together. So let's take for example
what I had told you before. So we had a parent who had a child who didn't take
out the garbage. Instead of grounding the child the parent would consider a
consequence as something connected with the behavior and say, "well for the next
week you will have to take out the garbage every day. In addition, you will
have to go around and pick up all the garbage bags around the house and empty
them into the garbage bin before taking them out." So that's a natural consequence
or that's a consequence to that behavior. Rather than giving them a punishment
that's not related. Now let me tell you why that's important. The difference
between giving out a punishment and a consequence is that a punishment is
focused on the negative parts of the behavior, and actually, may create a rift
between the parent and the child. A consequence however is focused on
addressing the behavior, teaching the child what happens if they don't follow
through with the behavior, and focuses on a parent-child connection with why the
behavior didn't work in the first place or why that needs to be corrected. So a
vast difference between the two--punishment and consequences. Now you can
find more information on punishment and consequences on the Smarter Parenting
website. Then again, for most parents they want to focus on the punishment
and it's difficult oftentimes for children to understand how their
behavior is related to some of the punishments that parents give. Now some
of the punishments parents give like grounding can be helpful, if the behavior
is connected to that. At Smarter Parenting we are focused on connecting any type of
behavior with a consequence--both negative and positive--but in this case
we're talking about correcting. So a consequence that is correcting a
behavior should always focus on what is the behavior. For example, if your child
is talking and continually talks in a place that's inappropriate. So let's say
you took your child to a public gathering and your child is
talking excessively. You've asked your child to stop and they continue to talk. Okay. A
consequence that you can give that child would be telling them that they can no
longer come with you to those type of events, okay. So that's a consequence of
the child wants to be there saying, "Well because you talk you're not allowed to
come," or "because you talk we're gonna step outside and we're gonna deal with
you talking and have you calm down and then bring you back into the
environment" and see if they can follow through. So dealing with the consequence
that directly related to the behavior that the child is exhibiting at the
moment. Punishing the child saying, "I'm not going to give you any of your toys.
You're gonna go home. You're gonna be grounded for a month." Okay those are not
connected to the behavior and so those are less effective, and actually may
breed a lot more contention between you and your child. So for more tips and
ideas for parenting, go ahead and jump over to the Smarter Parenting website.
You can get actually a sheet that we will provide you, we'll include a link
below this video, that includes a way that you can find out what is meaningful
for your child so you can determine what consequences might be most beneficial
for you to use. Every child is different. Every parent is different so finding
something that is useful for you and your child will be a little game that
you'll have to do, but it will be well worth your time to fill out the paper. It
shouldn't take more than about three or four minutes. So go ahead and visit the
Smart Parenting website and we see you next time.