In technology news,
Tinder has added a panic button that will alert authorities
if something goes wrong on your date.
That's a great idea.
"I'm having a horrible blow job."
(beeping)
"Lots of teeth."
(beeping)
Horrible. Sorry. Sorry, Mom. Go ahead.
I have it... I have that same button with Grubhub.
If they're late, I...
-(laughter) -If...
-(cheering and applause) -Yeah. Yeah. -Grubhub.
If they're... if they're...
if they're late with my poke bowl,
I blow up their car, so...
-SPADE: Not a bad idea. -But, no, you get...
You're gonna get the LAPD involved on a bad date?
That's so... You... Okay, so you won't get sexually assaulted.
You'll get beaten to death on the street.
-Uh... -(groaning)
(cheering and applause)
-Now applause. -I didn't... I-I didn't do it.
I didn't do it.
-Someone else did it. -We're going back to Rodney King.
I mean, yeah, you don't want it to be frivolous.
I think they should have standards,
like, you know, it can't be because the guy's too short
or he's boring.
It has to be, like, he can't pay your rent.
You know, he doesn't have diamonds for you.
Things like that.
I was never... I'm married. I was never on Tinder.
But I... But I have... They have a married version of this.
It's just my (bleep) lawyer's number. That's all it is.
-SPADE: Emergency. -Help, help, help, help.
Have you heard that when there's...
If there's an actual crime
or something really bad in your house
and there's someone in the room that you're supposed to call 911
and act like you're ordering a pizza? Have you heard that?
-That's... -Yeah, yeah, so they don't think
-you're calling the cops? Yeah. -They don't think... Yeah.
-But it sounds a little fishy. -I'm... I'd do that,
but I'm literally ordering a pizza.
-During a murder scene, you're... -Yeah.
-You actually want a pizza. -I'm just trying to calm myself down.
SPADE: "There's sauce everywhere."
All right.
There has been over a 300% increase
in scooter-related injuries among millennials.
-Yes, good. Yes. -Perfect.
-Good! -Yes. -Remember scooters, everybody?
-(cheering and applause) -Yes.
The, uh, good news is that you can leave the scooter
right outside the ER,
and then you can get your stitches and jump back on.
I mean, I remember real scooters where you had to scoot.
-You had to scoot. -Oh, yeah. -You had to work it.
Not all this, like... (imitating engine whirring)
It's like, "Walk, mother(bleep)!
You ain't got to scoot!"
-It's crazy to me! Crazy! -(cheering and applause)
-Yeah. -How the hell are you dying on something
that is taking you where the hell you need to go
without you being involved?
-No effort. -I like... I'm glad...
I'm glad these little TikTok Hitlers are dying.
-Uh... -(laughter)
I'm glad.
I like this picture.
This is when scooter's stock footage is in its infancy,
because it's a little too set up.
-This is a six-hour setup. -DILLON: Yeah.
SPADE: It's like, fake shoe.
Head just missed the grass, so concussion.
Black socks. I don't l... I don't like any of it.
Yeah, why is that fat 40-year-old on a scooter?
Like, I've never seen that guy on a scooter, you know?
It's crazy.
Our grandparents died of, like, polio and World War II.
-DILLON: Right. -Our parents had crack and Vietnam.
And now kids are dying
from electric scooters and vape juice?
-SPADE: Vape juice. -This is what we deserve.
-DILLON: Yeah. Sure. -This is what we deserve.
-We should all be dead. -Good point.
I had a scooter, and I...
Of course, I used it for a few minutes.
But it's in my garage next to my Soloflex
and my Chuck Norris NordicTrack.
(cheering and applause)
All the coats are on it. It's in the box.
Whatever.
Cold weather is upon us in Florida, and it is...
It's too cold, and so iguanas are freezing
and falling out of trees.
First of all, I didn't know they were in the trees.
That's how dumb I am.
But how terrifying. Iguanas are falling...
They don't die, but they're like this.
And then it warms up. They go...
SAUNDERS: Right, right.
-You know, whatever they do. They run off. -SAUNDERS: Right.
That looks like me two minutes into Pilates.
(laughter)
I know.
I agree.
-My Pilates is a supervised nap. -Yeah, yeah.
-Y'all applaud for anything! -Yeah, I know. They're good!
-Listen, we want 'em back. -They all have guns to their heads.
Yeah.
-You seeing this, Tim? -You know, I just--
First of all, that iguana looks like it OD'd on heroin.
Uh, I think Florida's doing a little damage control.
-Oh, yeah. -It's like, "Yeah, they're falling out of trees."
It's like, "No, you got a serious lizard drug problem."
-Lizard drug problem. -Yeah.
This is like the beginning of a scary movie,
when the TV's on in the background and it's like,
"Lizards are falling out of trees."
-And they're like, "Hmm." -Yeah.
And then, obviously, it turns into World War Z
-in about an hour. -Typ-Typically,
in Florida, when you want a frozen iguana,
you have to go to a kiosk in the mall.
That's where they have 'em. It's-- They're the best.
-Chocolate-covered. -So good there. Yeah.
Dipped. Yeah. Deep-fried iguana.
We just always use Florida as a punch line for a joke,
but it's like there are people that-that live there. (laughs)
It's, like, so-- It's so funny to me
that it's-it's such a godless hell
that it's always fun to just get 'em.
But, uh, there are, like, human beings
that are, like, iguanas are falling on
-and that's their life. It's really... -Yeah.
-That's what they get. -It's rough.
What's the weirdest thing that you found
passed out in your front yard?
Mine is Nick Swardson.
(cheering and applause)
You-you just leave him there?
-I don't-- 'Cause he comes alive after a little bit. -Yeah.
-Just-- He's... -You just make your gardeners mow around him?
He's just frozen. Yeah, I don't know what he's doing. Yeah.
I found a homeless guy once who looked so much like me,
I thought he was me from the future.
And I was like, "Do you have anything to tell me?
"Like, what should I know?
"How do I avoid this? Oh, there's no way? Okay."
-I just... -He's like-- he's like, "Carbs are bad."
I had a-- We had a Jehovah Witness pass out,
because we didn't open the door.
We just let him pass out from knocking so hard.
So... that's a good way to kill a Jehovah Witness.
Just keep knocking, Brenda.