hello and welcome to our live today we have a good one for you it is all about
enabling we're gonna cover the number one reason people enable and we're going
to break that into subcategories and ultimately that is going to help you
identify and address the thing that's keeping you stuck and
behaviors that you really don't want to do if you're new
to this channel welcome this is put the shovel down the YouTube channel
dedicated exclusively to helping you understand the psychology of addiction
so you can beat it once and for all and get your life back on track you know the
life that you wanted the one you designed for yourself that's now
derailed we're gonna get that one back for you so if that sounds like something
you need to do consider subscribing alright so most of you are probably
aware that the number one thing that keeps people stuck in an enabling
pattern not outside of being in denial so most people enable they don't know
they're doing it and other times people are enabling they know they're enabling
but they can't stop doing it well the thing that's very most likely keeping
you stuck there is fear fear of all sorts of bad things and that's what this
video is all about we're gonna break that fear down into some subcategories
so that you can look at them sort of like it's like look at it right in the eye
decide the truth about what that fear is and make a decision you can sort of
confront that fear head-on and which might let you let go of that and make
some more strategic decisions about how to help your loved one all right I got a
little list here in case I forgot the first fear that I put on the list is
fear of judgment this is especially true if you're sort of new to the game I mean
fear of judgment can happen at any point but especially if this is sort of a new
thing in your life it's like what are people gonna think what if the people at
church find out you know what if my mother-in-law finds out all those
different kinds of like what are people gonna think because deep down inside of
us there's some kind of core fear that what does that mean about me what does
it mean about me if my child has a substance abuse problem what does it
mean about me if I'm married to an alcoholic all those sort of insecurities
that we have and sometimes it's not so much about a fear of judgment that we
think that other people think it's our fault like let's say you know it's not
necessarily that I think other people are gonna think oh it's my fault my husband
drinks too much or something but maybe if a fear of judgment from other people
that's like a little bit more like people feeling like people judge you
like oh why does she stay with him or why do they put up with that or if I
were them I would do this without or the other well the truth is you probably are
getting some of that judgment I wish I could tell you otherwise but the truth
of it is yeah there are gonna be some people that judge you because they don't
get it they don't understand and I think anyone can talk the big talk but until
you're in the situation you don't know what you would do you know it's easy for
someone else to say well I would leave them or I would keep my kid out but
that's theoretical and most people say that before they even really stop to
really think about what that would mean because with any of those decisions
there are a lot more things that are affected it's a domino a sort of a web
of things that any one of those decisions affects 10 million things and
so it's just not as simple of that so number one fear of judgment number two
and this is a big one and an obvious one is you are held hostage by the fact that
you're fearful that your loved one might die and a lot of times family members
have this fear so much it's almost like they get traumatized you talked about
this and alive I did recently on Facebook but it's like you get you start
envisioning it you know every time the phone rings and you feel sick at your
stomach you know it's like are they going to have a car crash are
they going to kill themselves are they gonna overdose they're gonna hurt
someone else that real true fear of death begins to take over your life and
you know before I would did this live i was talking with campbell about it at
lunch Campbell's our family counselor she's awesome she's got two sons and
she's been there and she was telling me how occasionally people in her office
get to the point where they feel like you know what deep down inside me I just
feel like it might be easier if they did if they just died and I know that may
sound like the most cruelest harshest thing you've ever heard but it's really
not now Campbell said what she tells them is listen I don't think you're
really prepared for that as you think you are you know and so kind of snapping
people back the realization that maybe they're not they're not really there yet
even though sometimes it feels like it but what it's like is it's like if
you've ever had a loved one that had a terminal illness and you and you're like
watching them die and you're watching them suffer and you're watching everyone
around them suffer you do get to the point that you're like wow this is like
almost inhumane to them inhumane to us and as terrible as it is to
say sometimes people come to terms of that and if you're living in that fear
every day you don't have a lot of choice but to come to terms with the fact of
okay what if that what if that does happen and it's a sad reality I'm not
going to tell you that that could never happen I'm just saying sometimes you've
got to get your head around it and sort of look that fear in the eye doesn't mean
you give up hope or that you stop trying anything but it is a possibility and
it's a scary one number three fear sometimes people enable because they do
things I don't want to do because they're fearful if they don't it the
person the act of the alcoholic or the addicted person is gonna sort of lose
their stuff they're gonna cause a big uproar it's gonna be a giant scene it's
gonna be drama it's gonna be a fight and so sometimes it feels like it's just
easier to cave in rather than fight the fight especially when you've been
this long time you are worn down you're exhausted maybe there are other people
in the house and you're just like you know the holidays are coming up you know
just like look look I just gonna have to do this and give in or whatever because
I can't runi everybody's holiday for it so sometimes your head hostage by the
fear of the chaos the drama or the fact that that person might blow up
number four fear that people really struggle with is the fear of causing
more family conflict most of you know if you've watched some of my videos on
manipulation that addicts and alcoholics like to split family members against
each other and so if there's more than one family member alcoholic there's
gonna be different points of view on how to deal with it there's gonna be some
people who feel really sorry for the person and want to help and there's gonna
be other people who are so angry at the person and they just don't have nothing
to do with them and then the family members begin to fight with each other
and what's really important to realize here is that is all symptomatic of
addiction like it is something that addicts and alcoholics will purposefully do is keep
people pit against each other you know and they'll even play into it you know
though if they know mom doesn't like that because dad doesn't help her on the
house something that we like man he never helps you out you know it's almost
like getting everybody sided against each other number one it helps keep
their secrets cuz this person knows this thing and that person there's another
thing and if I keep y'all not talking to each other all my secrets stay in place
so fear of the family conflict fear number five is I have seen families give
money to someone with an addiction when they didn't want to give money because
they're fearful if I don't give them the money they're going to get it by fill in the blank
X Y Z by stripping by prostituting themselves by selling drugs and they
might go to prison you know and it's almost like if I don't give it to them I
know they're gonna get it and they're gonna put themselves in this really bad
position for this really horrible thing to get it and you're scared to death
that they're going to do that thing number six
hold up 6 years of six fear of being the bad guy and a lot of times it's just
like you don't want to have to be the mean one you don't want to have to be
the one that says you can't come in this house you don't want to have to be the
one to really enforce that boundary and some people struggle with this fear more
than other people and so generally if you tend to be fairly conflict avoidant
and you just hate causing all that stress you're gonna be more likely to be
held hostage by this fear which is going to cause you to do a lot of things that
you don't really want to do because you don't want to be that bad guy number
seven and we have eight just so you know so stick in there with us
number seven is fear that you or them will never have a normal life again so
if you're the parent of someone with a substance abuse problem then a lot of
parents are really held hostage by fear they keep enabling because they don't
want them to like drop out of college they don't want them to fail out of high
school because it's like if they do you know they'll be completely off track
they'll never have a life they'll never be on track with their peers and it's
just like will they ever especially if it's your child it's just like you just
want them to have a normal life and so it's like you know I want them to be
able to go to prom and have a good time and I want them to have all these things
these dreams and ideas that we have for that person and then other times it's a
fear that your life will never be normal again
because this addiction doesn't just come in and ruin their life it's ruining your
life too and so it's like will this ever stop will I ever be happy again will I
ever experience joy like am I gonna have to get a divorce is that gonna ruin the
whole family fear that life will never return to normalcy again number eight
number eight is the fear of being overwhelmed by all the difficult and
negative emotions and so sometimes people will do almost anything not to
think about it and so they'll keep themselves in denial about it or they'll
minimize it they just don't want to open their eyes to it because it's it's
almost a fear if I open that can of worms if
really look at that I might fall apart or I might just lose control of my
emotions so much so that to the point that I cannot pull it back together so
it's just that fear of the flood of emotions you may choose not to go to
certain events because you know somebody might bring it up or somebody might say
hey where's so-and-so and then you know you just fall apart so fear of your own
emotions about the situation so the thing about this idea of identifying
what it is that's holding you hostage what's the scariest thing or things that
keep you doing things that you don't really want to do if you can identify it
and you can look at it head-on and you can come to terms with whatever that
fear is you can overcome that fear it's kind of like turning the light on a
scary monster and you're like oh I see you standing there
yeah you're not that scary anymore like I can see what's going on here and so
it's you got a look at it almost directly in the eye and so sometimes
people have anxiety and therapy one technique I call it though what if
technique because some people get really like what if this what if that and
sometimes the best way to deal with the what-if syndrome is to go okay what if
and go to the end of the road okay what if this happens and it's like it's
almost like if you can look at it straight in the eye and say okay that
happens this is what I'm gonna do it's almost like you have a game plan or you
can sort of think through it has less power over you so if you'll identify
what it is that you're fearful about you'll confront that fear head-on then
you can stop decisions reactive decisions based on
that fear and make better more strategic decisions about how to interact what you
want to do how to have healthy boundaries if you haven't already seen
we have a couple of playlists on this channel one playlist is a whole playlist
about enabling helping versus enabling how to tell the difference what kind of
files in what category and what in the other and then there's also a playlist
and I will put them on the replay of this video if you're watching the replay
I'll put them up here on the screen so you can just click them right here at
the end but there's also a playlist about boundaries how to have healthy
boundaries when you have someone in your life that's either in active addiction
or in early recovery and if you need more help than that and you're like amber I
done seen all your videos like I will need you to tell me what to do about the
situation you can always schedule an appointment with one of our family
specialists here and we can listen to your situation and help you make a
strategic decision about boundaries about what to do next about what type of
treatment that you might need to look for for your loved one and all of those
sort of things were you just really stuck and you need some help making a
decision no that's not counseling it's more like coaching it's more like a
strategic advice session what do I do in this situation there are links to all
that plus there's a link to the invisible intervention which will help
you sort of get through to your loved one if they're in denial all that's in
the description below thank you so much for joining us and we'll see you next
time