>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CONAN O'BRIEN.
NOW, WE DID THIS PUBER ME CHALLENGE LAST WEEK, PUERTO RICO
RELIEF.
AND THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD ONES.
THERE WERE A LOT OF GOOD ONES OUT THERE, BUT THERE WAS ONLY
ONE THAT WAS VISIBLE FROM SPACE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UN-BELIEVABLE.
>> WHAT A SWEET KID.
THAT'S A KID THAT DREAMED ONE DAY I'LL HAVE A HORSE.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE NOT QUITE MAKING CONTACT
WITH THE LENS.
YOU'RE FALLING SLOWLY IN LOVE WITH THE PHOTOGRAPHER'S LEFT
SHOULDER THERE.
SO THIS LITTLE BOY WENT ON TO BE A SERIOUS KID AT HARVARD
UNIVERSITY, WANTED TO BE A SERIOUS WRITER, I UNDERSTAND.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A-- YOU'RE A BIG FLANNERY O'CONNOR FAN, I
UNDERSTAND.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO AM I.
>> THAT'S REALLY NICE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLANNERY O'CONNOR SHORT
STORY.
>> PROBABLY "A GOOD MAN IS HARD TO FIND."
>> Stephen: THAT'S GREAT.
"THE ENDURING CHILL" FOR ME.
>> I ALSO LOVE "WISE BLOOD."
AND WE ARE LOSING AUDIENCE SO FAST RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: THEY TURNED OFF THE CAMERAS HALFWAY THROUGH THAT
HORSE STORY.
IT'S JUST-- ALL OF THIS-- ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU WANTED TO BE A SERIOUS
WRITER.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE-- >> I'M NOT ANSWERING YOUR
QUESTIONS NOW.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!
NO, I'M KIDDING.
NO, IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE WHEN I FIRST GOT INTO COMEDY I VERY
MUCH DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW-- PEOPLE DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ME WHEN I GOT THE LATE-NIGHT SHOW, AND I GOT IT SO
ABRUPTLY, NOBODY KNEW WHO I WAS.
AND THE ONE THING THEY FOUND OUT IS THAT I HAD GONE TO HARVARD
AND I WAS HORRIFIED BY THAT.
>> Stephen: WHY?
>> BECAUSE THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT THINK, "OH!
HE'S ONE OF THOSE.
HE'S GOING TO COME ON THE AIR WITH A PIPE.
HE'S GOING TO THINK HE'S BETTER THAN US.
AND I BET HE'S A REAL CREEP."
SORRY, HARVARD, BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I HAD WORKED VERY HARD.
I HAD BEEN A VERY SERIOUS-- I WAS FUNNY WITH MY FRIENDS, BUT I
WAS A REALLY HARDWORKING KID, AND I HAD WORKED REALLY HARD,
AND I HAD GONE TO THIS SCHOOL AND I WAS VERY PROUD OF THE WORK
I HAD DONE AND THEN I WANTED TO BE A SERIOUS WRITER AND THEN I
GOT INVOLVED IN COMEDY WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.
WHEN I GRADUATED MY PARENTS GAVE ME A HARVARD CLASS SIGNET RING.
AND I PUT IT ON MY FINGER AND WORE IT WHEN I GRADUATED IN
1985.
I WAS 22 YEARS OLD.
AND I GO OUT TO L.A. TO GET STARTED IN COMEDY.
I DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY.
I WAS LIVING IN A $380-A-MONTH APARTMENT AT THE TIME AND I FELL
IN WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER COMEDY WRITER.
THEY HAD, "DO YOU WANT TO PLAY BASKETBALL WITH US.
YOU ARE TALL?" I SAID YES-- THAT'S THE ONLY
THING THAT QUALIFIED ME.
I STARTED PLAYING PICKUP GAMES IN BASKETBALL WITH IMPROVISORS
AND COMEDIANS.
AND WE WOULD DO IT IN DIFFERENT VENUES, AND ONE DAY THEY PICKED
A VENUE THAT WAS SORT IN EAST L.A. AND I HAD NEVER BEEN IN
THAT PART OF TOWN BEFORE.
I GO THERE, AND I'M PLAYING BASKETBALL AND I WAS HAVING A GO
TIME AND SOMEONE PASSME THE BALL REALLY FAST, AND IT JAMS UP MY
FINGER.
I FORGOT TO TAKE OFF THE RING WHICH I USUALLY DID.
AND THE HANDS STARTS TO SWELL UP AROUND THE RING.
AND SOMEBODY SAID,, YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND GET
THAT OFF IT'S A PROBLEM."
AND I SAID, "I CAN'T."
THEY SAID, "YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM."
I WENT TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM AND IT'S A TOUGH EMERGENCY ROOM.
THERE'S REAL STUFF GOG THERE.
THEY PUT ME IN A ROOM-- AND I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS A REAL
STORY.
I'M STANDING THERE-- I'M 22-YEAR-OLD ME.
I'M STANDING THERE AND I'M HOLD MIGHT GO HAND AND A WOMAN COMES
IN WITH A CLIP BOARD AND GOES, "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"
THE GUY SAYS, "I GOT SHOT IN THE FACE.
A GUY SHOT ME IN THE FACE WITH A .22 AND IT WENT THROUGH MY
CHEEK."
"WHAT'S YOUR STORY?" "THERE WERE TWO PIT BULLS
FIGHTING AND I TRIED TO BREAK IT UP AND THEY TORE THE FLESH OFF
MY ARM."
"WHAT'S YOUR STORY?" "MY FRIEND THREWASID ON ME."
AND SHE SAID, "YOU."
AND EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME AND I SAID, "THE RING!
THE HARVARD RING IS TIGHT!
IT'S A TIGHT RING!
LAYOFF LAU( LAUGHTER ) THEY CUT IT OFF.
THEY MADE ME WAIT FOR HOURS.
THEY CUT IT OFF AND BENT IT BACK NINE TIMES LIKE, "SCREW YOU,
BUDDY!" AND GAVE IT BACK TO ME.
IT LOOKED LIKE A LITTLE-- IT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD RE-ENTERED
ORBIT WHEN THEY WERE DONE WITH IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU STILL HAVE THE RING?
>> I DON'T.
IT WAS USELESS TO ME AFTERWARDS.
I THINK I THREW IT AT SOMEONE IN RAGE.
>> Stephen: WELL, LOVELY TO HAVE YOU HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> I DO LOVE YOU, FRIEND.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, TOO.
>> YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, THANK YOU.