(robotic whirring)
- I want the whole office to take personality tests.
(tense music builds)
- Am I still terminated or-
- Yes, absolutely.
I'm here to escort you out.
There are no bad ideas. This is one.
- Your spirituality is fueled by your
incessant need to be different?
(singing bowl hums)
- I am going to call security.
(ominous music)
- Ladies! Checking in to see how those tests are going.
Who's got the better personality?
- Look, I've been here a long time,
and if you don't speak up, folks will walk all over you.
- I can't control what others do,
but I can control how I respond.
I'd much rather let the tides take me away
than stand on ground that dims my light.
- So did you Lyft here, or-
Where'd you go?
(uplifting techno music)
- So, what are you bringing to the potluck?
- Vegan queso.
- Oh, you mean hot cashew dip?
'Cause if it's a nut dip, you have to say that.
Company policy.
- You know, this office has always been in need
of less dairy-induced phlegm.
Wouldn't you agree?
In fact, I could give you the recipe.
- I don't want the recipe.
I don't even want this potluck,
but we're having one now, thanks to you.
So label your nut dip, and there won't be a problem.
(scissors snip)
(blade whooshes) (high-intensity bass music)
How did you-
- What timeline do you see for the diversity training?
- Hm, well, I budgeted about two weeks to plan,
the training takes a day,
and a week and a half for the inevitable Glassdoor reviews,
and then three days for an impromptu team huddle.
- That would be such a joy.
- That's about a month
before your journey can take you elsewhere.
- Yes, and until my sound bath audiobooks
generate a bit more passive income,
being here is part of that journey.
- Well, if that isn't following your bliss
I don't know what is.
- Warped Tour, 2010.
That's where I followed my bliss.
I like what I'm hearing ladies. I like what I'm hearing!
- Oh, actually,
I'd love to give you an update on the symposium.
(laughs)
- Yeah, I'm in
What emoji says boss babe?
- The arm?
- Eh.
- The POW!
- Eh.
- The cat?
- Eh.
- The painted nails.
- Painted nails.
Painted nails (hands clapping)
and the briefcase.
- Just the painted nails.
I cross referenced everyone's calendars
to find an open date for the symposium.
- Uh huh. (racket whooshes)
- Reserved the conference room
and adjacent pods for all breakout sessions.
(racket whooshes)
And reached out to the approved list of speakers.
- Ya. (racket whooshes)
Ya! (racket whooshes)
I will not let Dick and his thigh hair take the gold,
not this year.
(laughs manically)
- Which one's Dick?
- They all are.
- Gotcha.
Well, I think we should also cater lunch
and provide some snacks and treats throughout the day
from a diverse group of small businesses in the area.
- Well, it sounds like you have everything under control.
- Yes. That is what a Director of Associates does.
- Now Vanessa tell me,
do I look like Maria Sharapova from the back?
- Yeah.
Yes.
- Can a white woman get a weave?
- Yeah. Yes.
- Do you have a weave?
- No, I don't.
- You can go.
- Thank you.
(upbeat electronic music)
(scrambled noise cuts off music)
- I find that matcha provides a gentle ascent into focus,
while Lion's Mane encourages a more universal clarity.
- I don't know, I like cold brew.
I prefer feeling like
I could jump off a balcony and survive.
- Vanessa, a word please.
- Of course.
- Just got pinged by accounting.
- Yes! I ordered the catering.
- I thought that I made it crystal clear
that this event were to be high impact, low cost.
$5.25 per taco?
- Supporting small businesses.
Paco's Tacos are made by Paco.
- And three tacos per person?
Now is this a serious company event,
or is it my binge after Coachella 2015?
Jolasun, thoughts. Energy.
- A communal exchange of nourishment
is an invitation to share the deepest parts of us.
- Communal exchange? You mean a potluck.
- And that invitation encourages inclusivity.
- Last time, five different people brought
grocery store rotisserie chicken.
- This offering of Self is indeed
low cost but high impact.
- We had no sides.
Just chicken and three bags of chips.
- Vanessa, please.
Jolasun, this exchange that you speak of-
- Yes.
- Let's flow with that. Okay.
(upbeat music)
- I set up a Slack channel for sign ups.
- Okay.
I have full faith in your ability
to organize a simple office potluck.
- Communal exchange of nourishment.
(pen scribbling)
- Right.
Well, I don't know how nourishing
Front Desk Jackie's crockpot meatballs are,
but that's for you to figure out.
(electronic notification pings)
- Jackie. Oh no.
(notifications ping frantically)
Jackie, hi.
So is your chicken pasture raised or just free range?
- What?
(electronic notification pings)
(notifications ping frantically)
- Party punch? Party punch.
There's nothing festive about glucose spikes, is there?
A nice hibiscus tea, maybe?
Yeah!
(electronic notification pings)
Hibiscus tea.
(notifications ping frantically)
So are we thinking a shallow pan fry or a deep pan fry?
How about a nice fresh spring roll?
Okay. No fry, no fry.
- What did you do?
- Is something wrong?
- "She said my seven layer dip was
a communal exchange of high cholesterol?"
- It starts with a blocked artery
and ends with a blocked chakra.
- What does that even mean?
Look, my boss might seem to think you can do no wrong
but I know what this is.
You'll just temp somewhere else for three weeks
to make up the difference between how much you got paid for
an Instagram post about mushroom powder
and the cost of your next silent retreat
while I'm left here to make "DIVIDE" work
in hopes of earning an average salary raise
and meaningless title change.
I know you don't wanna be here.
So why can't you just back me up?
(electronic notification pings)
- Chris from accounting is bringing rotisserie chicken.
- And that makes?
Four rotisserie chickens. - Four rotisserie chickens.
- Wow.
(electronic notification pings)
Don't do it.
- I have to make sure it's hormone-free.
(upbeat drum music)
I'm afraid we're not aligned, Vanessa.
Yes, Spirit called me to assist this bloated office,
but I reassured you that I was here
to bring forth your vision.
A communal exchange of nourishment
not only encourages community,
but it reclaims your time.
You may be an unstoppable force,
but your boss
is an immovable object.
Honey flow elsewhere.
- I didn't want to say it earlier because I do eat dairy,
but sour cream is kind of gross.
And I mean seven layer dip?
Six is more than enough.
- It's more than enough.
See, now we're thinking abundantly.
I brought you something.
(chip crunches)
- Nope. Still a nut dip, sis.
- It's not! It's vegan queso.
- Cashew nut dip. Label it, label it.
- We don't- - Company policy
- subscribe to labels here.
- Section 10.2.
- We don't subscribe to labels here.
- Look, I'm all out of EpiPens, Okay.
Company boat party, summer 2019: all of 'em gone, shrimp.
Okay. Lot of shrimp.
Cocktail, skewers, ceviche.
- The omega three-
- Bubba Gump had nothing on us, in a bad way.
You still have to label it.
I'm Director of Associates, so it's a no.
(bass music fades)
- Hey everyone, thank you so much
for watching this episode of "This Coulda Been an Email."
Episode three, y'all... wild!
Just wild.
Thank you again to our amazing Indiegogo backers.
It is because of y'all we were able to bring
episodes two and three into fruition.
And now, we go back to the drawing board to
figure out what we're gonna do for episodes four and five.
So if the spirit moves you and you've enjoyed the content,
consider hitting us up with a Super Thanks.
If everyone hits us up with a $2 Super Thanks,
that'd be amazing.
And that'll help us start to figure out
how we can start funding episodes four and five.
Move forward with maybe pursuing another Indiegogo campaign.
I don't know, maybe that?
Comments below, let me know what y'all think.
Look, here's what I need.
All I need is five people with 10 grand.
(laughs)
That sounds absurd to say, but ask for what you need.
All I need is five people with $10,000 each.
But for real, thank you so much for watching this episode.
Money aside, the biggest help that you can give
is to share it.
Share it with as many people you think will find it funny.
Share the past episodes as well
while we wait and figure out what we're gonna do
for episodes four and five.
Just share, share, share.
That'll help so much, and thank you in advance for that.
Again, I'm Hallease endeavoring to persevere.
As always, thank you so much for watching
"This coulda Been an Email" episode three.
I will hopefully be back with an update soon
for the rest of the series.
Bye.
(smooth cheerful music)