>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY!
( APPLAUSE )
YES!
THAT IS SWING.
>> Stephen: HELLO, JON.
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
JON, HAPPY-- HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
>> Jon: HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
>> Stephen: A LOT TO CELEBRATE THIS MONTH.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ALSO HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: IN THE CHINESE CALENDAR, CORRECT?
YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR THIS IS?
>> Jon: IT'S THE YEAR OF THE TIGER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S GOOD FOR CINCINNATI.
>> Jon: YES, WOW, CINCINNATI.
>> Stephen: YOU NEVER KNOW, TWO POINT MAKE A LINE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT >> Stephen: FOLKS, FOR WEEKS
NOW, THERE HAVE BEEN MAJOR TENSIONS OVER IN EASTERN EUROPE.
HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON: VLADIMIR PUTIN HAS GOT RUSSIAN
TROOPS MASSING ON THE BORDERS OF UKRAINE AND HAS USED THIS
SELF-GENERATED CRISIS TO DEMAND THAT NATO PLEDGE TO HALT FURTHER
EASTWARD EXPANSION AND AGREE NOT TO ADMIT UKRAINE AS A MEMBER.
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
UKRAINE ALREADY MADE IT THROUGH NATO RUSH WEEK.
( LAUGHTER )
GREASED ALBUM CLENCHED IN THEIR BUTT CHEEKS UP A FLIGHT OF
STAIRS OR NOTHING?
( LAUGHTER )
STORY.
( LAUGHTER )
NEGOTIATING.
TODAY, THERE WAS A PHONE CALL BETWEEN U.S. SECRETARY OF STATE
AND MAN WHO ALWAYS MAKES YOU WATCH HIM EAT DURING ZOOM
MEETINGS, ANTONY BLINKEN, AND RUSSIAN FOREIGN MINISTER AND MAN
WHO POSTPONED LUNCH FOR THIS ZOOM MEETING, SERGEY LAVROV.
IN ADVANCE OF THE PHONE CALL, ONE U.S. OFFICIAL CLAIMED THE
RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT HAS DELIVERED A WRITTEN RESPONSE TO A U.S.
PROPOSAL AIMED AT DE-ESCALATING THE UKRAINE
CRISIS.
I BELIEVE WE ACTUALLY HAVE A COPY OF THAT WRITTEN RESPONSE:
"DEAR SIR OR MADAM, KABOOM!
KISSES, VLAD."
( LAUGHTER )
THE KREMLIN CLAIMS THEY HAVE NOT SENT AN OFFICIAL REPLY, BUT WE
GOT A PREVIEW TODAY OF THEIR RESPONSE WHEN PUTIN TOLD
REPORTERS, "IT IS ALREADY CLEAR THAT THE FUNDAMENTAL RUSSIAN
CONCERNS WERE IGNORED.
WE DID NOT SEE AN ADEQUATE CONSIDERATION OF OUR THREE KEY
REQUIREMENTS."
YES, YOU MUST ADDRESS THE THREE KEY REQUIREMENTS:
GIVE.
ME.
UKRAINE.
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY, IN THE U.N. SECURITY COUNCIL, THE U.S. AND RUSSIAN
AMBASSADORS GOT INTO A DIPLOMATIC BRAWL.
AW, DAMN!
THERE'S NOTHING MORE THRILLING THAN A DIPLOMATIC BRAWL.
( AS RING ANNOUNCER )
THE U.N. BUILDING IN NEW YORK, LET'S GET READY TO DRAFT
A NON-BINDING RESOLUTIOOOOON!"
( APPLAUSE )
U.N. CLAIMED THAT THE U.S. IS EXAGGERATING THE THREAT, BUT
LOOK HOW MANY TROOPS RUSSIA HAS ALL AROUND UKRAINE.
THAT'S A LOT OF RED.
IF THIS WERE AN AD FOR T-MOBILE, I'D CONSIDER SWITCHING CARRIERS.
( LAUGHTER )
WESTERN SIDE OF UKRAINE IN MOLDOVA.
THAT'S NOT EVEN ON THE RUSSIAN BORDER.
WHAT'S THEIR EXCUSE?
( AS RUSSIAN SOLDIER )
WE ARE JUST HERE TO ENJOY, UH, SCENIC MOLDOVA.
THEY HAVE WORLD'S LARGEST TURNIP."
( LAUGHTER )
BIG... SOUP."
( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY LOVES A GOOD TURNIP JOKE.
ONE WORRYING SIGN THAT A RUSSIAN INVASION MAY BE IMMINENT IS THAT
THE U.S. HAS SEEN INDICATIONS THAT RUSSIA HAS POSITIONED
SUPPLIES OF BLOOD NEAR UKRAINE'S BORDERS.
NOTHING GOOD REQUIRES SUPPLIES OF BLOOD.
"HEY, NEIGHBOR, WANNA JOIN CANDACE AND ME FOR APPLE PICKING
NEXT SUNDAY?
GREAT.
OH, BRING A COUPLE PINTS OF BLOOD.
NO REASON."
TO DISCOURAGE RUSSIA FROM INVADING, A SENATE PANEL SAID
IT'S CLOSE TO APPROVING THE "MOTHER OF ALL SANCTIONS."
OH, AND MOTHERS KNOW SANCTIONS: "DAKOTA, IF YOUR GRADES DON'T
IMPROVE, NO SCREEN TIME, NO PARTIES, AND NO EXPORTING OIL TO
THE EUROPEAN BLOC.
I DON'T CARE IF CHINA'S GETTING AWAY WITH CRUSHING THE UYGHURS.
NO.
AH-AH!" NO!
( LAUGHTER )
SANCTIONS ON RUSSIA'S LARGEST BANKS, FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS
AND AND SOVEREIGN DEBT, WHICH COULD CAUSE SEVERE INFLATION, A
STOCK MARKET CRASH, AND OTHER FORMS OF FINANCIAL PANIC THAT
WOULD EFFECTIVELY CUT THE RUSSIAN ECONOMY OFF FROM MUCH OF
THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL SYSTEM.
THEY'RE GOING TO DESTROY THE BANKING SYSTEM IN RUSSIA,
ESSENTIALLY PLUNGING THE COUNTRY BACK INTO 2008.
THEY'LL THEN MAKE THEM DOWN A FOUR LOKO AND WATCH THE
"INDIANA JONES" WITH SHIA LABOUF.
( LAUGHTER )
FIND OUT IS NOT THAT CONCERNED ABOUT UKRAINIAN SOVEREIGNTY
BEING CRUSHED TO DUST UNDER THE IRON HEEL OF VLADIMIR PUTIN?
UKRAINIANS.
THROUGHOUT THIS CRISIS, THEIR PRESIDENT, VOLODMYR ZELENSKY,
HAS BEEN STRANGELY RELAXED.
AND ACCORDING TO CNN'S CLARISSA WARD, HIS PEOPLE ARE FOLLOWING
SUIT.
>> WHEN YOU TALK TO PEOPLE HERE, THERE IS NO SENSE OF HEIGHTENED
ANXIETY OR ALARM.
WE HAVE BEEN HERE A COUPLE OF DAYS NOW.
PEOPLE HERE ARE ANXIOUS A LITTLE BIT.
BUT, LARGELY, THEY SEEM TO BELIEVE THAT THERE WILL NOT BE
A WAR.
>> Stephen: YES, THEY'RE A LITTLE ANXIOUS, BUT THEY'VE
DEALT WITH IT IN AN INTERESTING WAY.
AS TENSIONS HAVE ESCALATED, SOME UKRAINIANS HAVE HIT THE
DANCE FLOOR IN CLUBS TO ESCAPE A SENSE OF DREAD FOR A FLEETING
MOMENT.
OF COURSE.
WE ALL KNOW THE FAMOUS AFFIRMATION: DANCE LIKE NO ONE'S
INVADING.
( LAUGHTER )
MAJOR RUSSIAN INVASION OF ITS WESTERN NEIGHBOR, PLUNGING THE
WORLD INTO THE MOST DANGEROUS STANDOFF SINCE THE COLD WAR?
OR IS THE U.S. MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL THAT VLADIMIR
PUTIN HAS SURROUNDED WITH 100,000 TROOPS?
WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL ASK CNN'S CLARISSA WARD VIA SATELLITE FROM
UKRAINE.
STICK AROUND.