The coronavirus pandemic.
‘Cause I know America has begun a new era,
but corona doesn't care about who's president.
In fact, it's been exactly one year
since we first learned that COVID-19 had reached
the United States, and things have only gotten worse.
Yesterday the country set a new record
for coronavirus deaths. And the CDC
now predicts that half a million deaths
will happen by mid-February.
Which is gonna make for a weird Valentine's Day.
Valentine's Day is already pretty weird.
I'm supposed to buy an adult woman a teddy bear?
That is creepy as hell.
The point is it's more important than ever
to step up on COVID safety,
which is exactly what the NBA is doing.
NEWSMAN: Well, after witnessing some opposing players
disregarding new league rules against unnecessary contact
on game nights, the NBA is now moving team security to midcourt
following games to stop the hugging and handshakes
that may cause an unwanted spread of COVID-19.
High fives, hugs and handshakes,
along with extended post-game conversations,
are no longer allowed.
Man, this is so harsh, guys.
COVID won't even let you shake hands with opponents now?
That's a hard habit to break, because we've all been
doing that since we were five years old.
You know, you play a game, then you'd line up
and you high five the other team saying, "Good game."
Next they're gonna say that, what, COVID won't let you
eat orange slices at halftime?
Or drive past the ice cream store because your dad says
only winners deserve ice cream?
But look, I get it.
You got to do what you got to do to stop COVID.
And who knows, this could even
create some excitement after the game.
And here it is. Harden, going up for a high five,
and this is... Oh, no, he's rejected!
He's rejected by a security guard named Stanley.
At the same time, though,
will this really make a difference?
I mean, I’m all for COVID safety, but these guys have been
sweating and breathing on each other for two hours already,
and then they can't shake hands?
That's like handing out condoms
as people are leaving your orgy.
Remember to be safe. Remember to be safe...
That was fun, guys. Remember to be safe.
Remember to be safe. That was dope. (giggles)
I mean, I’m not gonna lie-- this just shows how
COVID has turned the whole world upside down, you know?
Players are now getting into trouble
for being nice to each other. Like...
Yeah, you better hold me back!
I'm about to hug this (bleep), man.
Yeah, I res... I respect you, asshole.
I-I will hug you right now. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Anyway, between the pandemic and all the insanity
around the presidential election, there have been
all sorts of stories that we just
haven't had time to talk about.
But they've kind of gotten stuck in my brain,
and I thought, well, maybe I could unstick them
by sharing them with you.
For instance, here's some big news you might have missed
out of Russia, aka Mean Canada.
Vladimir Putin's fiercest critic Alexei Navalny,
who was nearly poisoned to death,
returning to Russia and immediately detained.
NEWSMAN: A dangerous gamble for one of Vladimir Putin's
most vocal critics. He was arrested minutes after
arriving in Moscow, kissing his wife goodbye.
Alexei Navalny has now been detained for at least 30 days,
prompting outrage around the world.
Navalny nearly died last year after being poisoned
with the extremely toxic chemical weapon Novichok.
-(moaning) -He fell ill on an airplane, blaming the Kremlin
for the attack-- something they deny.
Okay, I don't know what's crazier here--
that this dude went back to the same country
that tried to kill him
or that they arrested him when he got there.
Apparently in Russia it's a felony
to not die when they poison you?
(Russian accent): Why did you do that? You make Putin look like
he don't know poison, huh? Why you do that to Putin?
(regular accent): Look, either Navalny's the bravest dude alive
or he's just really grown to love the taste of poison.
I mean, I don't know, maybe poison is delicious.
It's just that no one ever survives to tell us.
You know, maybe it's the most delicious thing in the world.
We don't know. Actually, I want...
I want to try poison now.
But either way, this guy has bigger balls than me.
I’m not gonna lie. Because I would not
be going back to Russia right now.
Forget the poisoning-- it's the middle of winter.
All Putin has to do is delay your Uber ride for five minutes
-and you're done. -(snaps fingers)
Meanwhile, in tech news, here's a story I really
can't stop thinking about involving bitcoin,
the money that lives... in space.
Over the last few months, the value of the virtual currency
has skyrocketed to insane heights,
which is great for people who own it.
But it'll never catch up to the market value
of my Pokémon cards. That's right, people,
I've been saving up these bad boy...
Mom!
Mom, what did you do to my Pokémon?! Mo...
Anyway, one of the big draws of bitcoin is how secure it is.
Unfortunately for one investor, it's turning out to be
a little too secure.
A virtual nightmare for a man with
a quarter billion dollars in bitcoin. Yes, billion.
He's forgotten his password.
Stefan Thomas says
he's been locked out of his account since 2012.
Back then it wasn't as much of a fortune,
because each of his 7,000 coins was worth
about ten bucks in cash.
Now, going... uh, the going rate--
-you know how much it is? It's $37 grand. -MAN: What?
WOMAN: Uh, the man has the password
stored on an old hard drive,
but he lost the password to that, too,
and has only two more tries before he gets locked out.
Wow. What a feel-good story.
In that I feel good that it's not me.
This guy can't access
a quarter billion dollars
because he can't remember his password.
Yo, let me tell you something.
For a quarter of a billion dollars, I’m hiring people
to beat the shit out of me until I do remember.
Don't go easy on me! Come on guys, I know something.
7-2-5, lowercase E, G...
dash, dash. (cries) I remember.
And, finally, from Colombia,
an exciting setup for a brand-new season of Narcos.
A notorious drug lord's exotic pets
are now posing an environmental disaster.
Pablo Escobar's four hippos escaped after he was killed
and are now taking over the marshlands in Colombia.
Experts say they are breeding so fast there
there could be more than 1,500 in the next couple of years,
posing a danger to the people and wildlife.
They are now saying the so-called cocaine hippos
-should be shot. -WOMAN (chuckles): Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, you go shoot the cocaine hippos
who were raised by Pablo Escobar.
I'm just gonna stay out of the water.
And I know some people are gonna be like,
"Do you have to shoot those hippos?
Why not just round them up and put them in a zoo?"
No.
We're not gonna be taking Pablo Escobar's hippos
and putting them in a zoo.
‘Cause you know three weeks later they're gonna escape
through a tunnel that they built out from under their cage.
There's gonna be a note left behind from the hippos, saying
(thick African accent): No zookeeper alive can hold me!
(regular accent): Yeah, you see, some people would think
that the Colombian hippos are gonna sound Colombian,
but hippos are from Africa,
so I like to keep the jokes authentic.
I got to say though, man--
over-reproduction
is the most badass reason to be exterminated.
When was the last time you had so much sex
that the government had to step in?
The good news is there is an easier solution to this problem.
Just release some meth gators
to deal with the cocaine hippos.
Then, to deal with the meth gators,
you release the Molly cobras.
Then, to take out the Molly cobras,
you release the straight-edge tigers.
They don't do cocaine, because the real thrill
is being in control.
Here's a question I have though--
I've always wondered this--
what's the deal with drug dealers and animals?
Huh? It's like the higher you go up the ladder,
the crazier your pet has to be.
The dealer on the corner has a fish tank,
the drug lord has hippos.
I bet that family that invented Oxy
has a T. rex just chained up in the backyard.
(screeching)
"You guys are killers.
You should have gotten more than just a fine." (screeches)