Let's talk about Ben Carson,
the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
and willing resident of the sunken place.
The man has had quite a journey,
from growing up as a poor child in Detroit
to becoming a world-renowned brain surgeon.
You know? He went from being a presidential candidate
to the breakout star of the movie Zootopia.
-(laughter) -Fun fact:
they actually had to speed him up to play the sloth.
But since our sleepy friend was put in charge
of America's housing and urban development,
he's kind of dropped off the radar.
That is, until this week,
when he struggled to answer a very simple question.
NEWSMAN: ...Ben Carson has been accused of being not qualified
to lead the Department of Housing and Urban Development,
he didn't help his cause.
He confused a real estate term with a cookie.
I'd also like you to get back to me, if you don't mind,
to explain the disparity in REO rates.
Do you know what an REO is?
-An Oreo... -R... No, not an Oreo.
-A... -An REO. REO.
Real estate?
-What's the "O" stand for? -The organization?
Owned. Real Estate Owned.
That's what happens when a property goes to foreclosure.
-We call it an REO. -NOAH: Okay.
-(laughter) -Okay, that was bad.
It was bad. It really was bad.
And you know what, I think it doesn't help
that Ben Carson speaks the way that he does, you know?
'Cause he always sounds
like someone shot him with a tranquilizer dart,
and he's about to pass out, you know what I mean?
Like, that's him. Like, he's just, like,
sitting there the whole time, and he's just, like...
(imitates dart striking)
"I can't believe you...
"shot me...
"with a tranquilizer...
"dart...
-"in my neck... -(laughter)
area."
Like, goddamn, why isn't this working?
Why isn't he going down?
(like Carson): "You cannot tranquilize
that which is already tranquil."
(applause)
(cheering)
Now, here's, like, here's the thing.
On its own, this would have just been a slipup--
he doesn't know an abbreviation.
But this REO moment just added to the perception
that Carson doesn't know how to do his job.
Since he was appointed, there's been an increase
in families living in squalor in subsidized housing, right?
Over 1,000 HUD properties have failing grades.
And he's delayed an anti-segregation initiative.
Like, he's so bad for housing, even tornadoes are like,
"Yo, dude, pace yourself. What's wrong with you?"
So this week's slipup didn't help.
Which is why Ben Carson went on Fox News
to do some damage control.
I would like to remind our viewers who may not know
that Ben Carson was, before he went into politics,
one of, if not the best, brain surgeon in the world,
and they were talking down to him.
Ben Carson himself is with us now.
Would you respond to all of this, please, sir?
Uh, yes. It was-- first of all,
it was, uh, it was three and a half hours of testimony.
(laughter)
Oh, man.
Come on, Dr. Carson.
Like-like Varney's introducing him like,
"How dare they talk down to the most brilliant mind
"the world has ever seen.
Secretary Carson, show them what a genius you are."
And he's like, "Yeah, uh... " (stammering)
(continues stammering)
(speaking gibberish)
But-but I will, I will give Carson credit.
He showed us this at the debates,
and he showed it again yesterday.
He might not have known what REOs were
at the hearing on Tuesday, but by Wednesday,
this guy was a certified RE-ologist.
Of course, I'm very familiar with, uh, foreclosed properties
and with REOs.
I've read extensively about them.
And, uh, the-the REO portfolio,
just over the last ten years,
has dramatically decreased by tenfold.
You know, 65,000 down to 6,500.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
Someone's been brushing up. Yeah.
One day he didn't know it, the next day he knows everything.
I bet after that hearing, Carson was up all night
with his books like Rocky, just singing by himself. Like,
(to the tune of "Gonna Fly Now"): ♪ Da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da, da ♪
♪ They're gonna know me ♪
♪ Da-da-da. ♪
So now Ben Carson is back on everyone's radar,
but he's not back in a good way.
The question is could this lead to him getting fired?
Well, for more on this, we turn to someone
who has been fired many times.
Dulcé Sloan, everyone.
(cheers and applause)
Now...
I-I just want to say, I've never been fired.
I left Value City before they knew I was gone.
Oh. D-Dulcé, I'm not attacking you personally.
I'm just saying, you know what it's like
out there in the real world.
Like, what do you think will happen to Ben Carson?
Oh, yeah. (laughs)
He about to get fired. Yeah, y-y-y-y-yeah.
Yeah, it looks like that because he doesn't know what he's doing.
No, because he doesn't look like he knows what he's doing.
It doesn't matter if you can do your job,
it matters if you look like you can do your job.
You know how many jobs I've kept because I was bad at them?
(scoffs) Most of them.
But I knew how to fake it.
Like, like when I was a lifeguard,
anytime somebody started drowning,
I just blew my whistle.
I mean, they still drowned but it sounded like I saved them.
(laughter)
And you can use this technique in your office.
If someone asks you for a report that you didn't do,
you just say, "Oh, yeah, Karen's doing that."
Every office has a Karen.
And if your boss finds out you're lying you just say,
"Mm. You perceptive as hell.
That's why you the boss."
Uh, okay. I don't know how effective any
of this advice would be.
-I mean... No. I... -Thank you.
-Thank you. -I don't... -(cheers and applause)
Mm-hmm.
I don't even know if that would help Carson
because he's in trouble here.
There seems to be bipartisan agreement
that he is bad at his job.
Like, if he's incompetent, shouldn't he just be fired?
If he's incompetent, then he fits in perfectly.
How does that make him any different
than the other cabinet members?
I mean, Betsy DeVos is in charge of education
and her only qualification
is a PhD in dumb blank stares.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
Okay, yeah, but...
All right, I get that, but let's focus on Carson.
Like, when you looked at Ben Carson's hot agenda,
for instance, like the stats
that I asked you to compile, what did you see?
Oh, you know, Trevor, I was gonna look at the numbers,
but Karen said she wanted to do it.
Karen-- We don't-- No, no. We don't--
We don't have a Karen. You...
-See? -Oh, shit, you're lying to me.
And see? That's why you're the boss.
You're perceptive as hell.
I am perceptive. I am perceptive.
Give it up for Dulcé Sloan, everybody!