-Oh, yeah, hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut! -Oh, yeah.
Hey, sports fans.
I'm Michael "The Motorcycle" Kosta,
and he's Roy "Grapefruit LaCroix" Wood Jr.
Wait, how's that my nickname?
LaCroix, we are officially in the most boring part
of the sports calendar.
Nothing exciting is happening.
Wait, wait, wait. We still got baseball action.
Like I said, nothing exciting is happening.
But luckily, that means we've got some time
to cover some of the more obscure sports,
like snail racing.
NEWSMAN: The world's fastest snails slugging it out
at the World Championship Snail Race.
The snails race to reach the outer circle
of the 13-inch course,
which is just a table with a damp cloth spread out.
This year's winner was a snail named Sammy,
who completed the course in two minutes and 38 seconds,
a lightning fast time
for one of the world's slowest animals.
Wow! Snail racing.
That has got to be the slowest sport in the world.
Well, not as slow as baseball.
-Aah! -Damn it!
You say one more thing about America's pastime,
I'll send you back to your shithole country.
-Roy, I'm from Michigan. -Exactly.
But here's...
here's what I wonder about this sport, Kosta.
-Yeah. -How do you train a snail to race?
Maybe you hire a French guy to chase him
-with a knife and fork, you know? -Oh, good idea.
(French accent): I am going to eat you,
-and then I will seduce your sister. -Yeah.
(normal voice): I sound like a Mexican Nigerian.
-It's a terrible accent. -Yeah, well, let's move on.
'Cause if you thought snail racing was quirky,
wait till you see what's happening under the water.
NEWSMAN: It's fast. It's furious.
It's Octopush.
Underwater hockey is a lung-busting team sport,
and, believe it or not,
there are rules to this madness.
MAN: It's just unlike any other sport you can play, really,
because you're just surrounded.
It's almost silent in the way you play it.
(laughter)
Goddamn! What kind of sport is that?
I feel like white people saw one black guy playing hockey,
and they were like, "We should add water."
Yeah, I-I... I think this looks fun, Roy,
but personally, I don't mess with swimming pools.
I dove into the shallow end years ago
and bumped my head. Yeah.
-Were you okay? -Yeah.
But personally, I don't mess with swimming pools.
I dove into the shallow end years ago,
and I bumped my head, so...
All right, well, moving on.
You know another sport we don't hear much about?
Chess. Lots of people think chess is boring,
but it turns out it's a lot more exciting
-than you think. -Huh.
A chess grand master is accused of cheating in a bathroom
during a tournament in France last week.
This is a picture of Igor Rausis on the toilet.
He was suspended after this photo shows him sitting there
and looking at his cell phone
during a break from a competition.
The World Chess Federation director on Facebook said
he has long been suspected of cheating.
The 58-year-old has stunned the chess world
by racking up winnings at an age when most players,
you know, decline.
Wow. Wow.
-Caught cheating in a bathroom stall. -Yeah.
Major kudos to whichever bathroom pervert
-snapped that photo. -Yeah, I-I...
-Thank you. -I got to start...
I got to start using this, Roy.
"Uh, what's that, Officer?
"Why am I setting up a toilet cam?
Because I respect the integrity of chess."
My thing is this, though:
you don't even need to leave the room
-to cheat at chess. -Yeah.
Want to cheat at chess? This is what you do.
All right, you're playing chess, and you're losing,
and then you go, "Oh, my God, look over there!
-It's Judi Dench!" -I love Judi Dench.
What are you talking about?
-Checkmate! -What?
-Man, you are... -Gotcha! What?
Yeah, you know, what I find shocking, Roy,
is that people actually consider chess a sport.
Uh, chess is a sport.
You need focus, strategy, mental endurance. It's a lot...
Chess is a board game like Monopoly.
Does that mean Monopoly is a sport?
-I'll whup your ass in Monopoly. -I...
I'll send your ass to jail.
That-that was not meant as a racial thing!
In Monopoly, if you don't pay rent,
then you-you have to...
Do you guys know how Monopoly works? You--
-I... -Let's go. Right now. Right now. We're playing--
-we're playing Monopoly right now. -Want to go right now?
-Let's play Monopoly right now. -All right, you're on. Let's go.
I-I just need ten to 15 minutes to go to the bathroom.
-I'll come right back? -Okay, okay. We're playing Monopoly.
-We're playing Monopoly. Back to you, Trevor. -Personally,
I don't really jump in the pool very often.
-We're gonna play Monopoly. -You know?
Roy Wood Jr. and Michael Kosta, everyone.