BARRET: Gentlemen...
I think I speak for us all when I say that this situation…
…has done f**ked us all up.
Especially Yuffie.
YUFFIE: (groaning) I HATE FLYING!
(retching)
RED: She's really been pouring her guts out about it.
VINCENT: Yummy.
BARRET: We're all in this together now.
There ain't no gettin' off this train.
So if y'all got any suggestions—
CAIT SITH: Actually, I—
BARRET: —Suggestions that aren't from people who work for Shinra.
CAIT SITH: Trust me, Barret, I think you're gonna want to hear what the people from Shinra are talking about.
(beeping) RUFUS [on radio]: I'm glad you're all here.
BARRET: Hold on, is that Rufus Shinra?
CAIT SITH: Yep! I'm spying on them right now—
BARRET: Shut the f**k up, I'm trying to listen!
RUFUS [on radio]: Now, before we get started, I'd like to know…
Did you lose weight uncle Palmer?
HEIDEGGER: I know! He looks great!
(blood spurting)
HEIDEGGER: You're right! Every pilot IS in on the conspiracy…
RUFUS: Now then, I must confess something to all of you.
My goal for this company was one of selfishness.
I continued my father's quest to find the Promised Land not to honor him, but to spite him.
To do the one thing he couldn't do,
and to prove to him, myself, and everyone else that I know how to run an empire.
REEVE [OS]: We're 36 trillion Gil in debt...
RUFUS: Buuut, after the incident with the Weapon,
and almost meeting my untimely demise, it's made me realize something.
It's time Shinra changes its course of operation,
and that starts with ending our first ever Shinflix original series.
♪ Tankceratops and the Vehicularsaurs! ♪
(spurting)
HEIDEGGER: It did jump the shark after season six, huh?
SCARLET: This might be the concussion talking but that's a great idea, Rufus.
Shinra needs to end its ridiculous venture in new media, and return to its roots as a world-conquering,
international corporate enterprise!
(laughs evilly)
RUFUS: Oh, Shinra's not going to conquer the world, Scarlet.
We are going to save it!
SCARLET: What?
HEIDEGGER: What? SCARLET: What?
BARRET: What?
PALMER: (spurts)
RUFUS: I'm glad you asked, Uncle Palmer.
We're going to use Huge Materia to blast Meteor into smithereens,
and when the people see that it was Shinra that saved them,
they'll look at us as heroes! - SCARLET: As gods!
I mean "heroes", yes!
HEIDEGGER: Hey… Don't we already got a bunch of Huge Materia?
RUFUS: Indeed we do, Heidegger, but having more wouldn't hurt.
Scarlet, I'm putting you in charge of gathering the remaining Huge Materia from Fort Condor and Corel.
I trust you'll ask them…nicely?
SCARLET: Oh, don't worry, Mister President.
I'll make sure to be as ruthlessly polite as possible…
SCARLET [on radio]: (laughs evilly)
(radio beeps)
CAIT SITH: Wow. Sounds like Shinra's actually gonna save the world.
BARRET: We gotta stop them!
CAIT SITH: What? WHY?!
Using the materia to blow up Meteor actually sounds like a pretty good idea!
BARRET: What part of "blasting a high amount of unstable energy into our atmosphere"
sounds like a good idea to you?!
MOG: The blowing up part…
BARRET: Plus, they wanna f**k with Corel!
RED XIII: And that giant bird that totally ended up not being pointless!
BARRET: And if they wanna f**k with my hometown,
and Red's unexplained fascination with that giant bird at Fort Condor—
RED XIII: I just think it's hot.
BARRET: Then it's tick-tock for their asses.
And when the alarm goes off...
They're gonna wake up to an AVALANCHE of justice! Led by—
CID: Me.
BARRET: You?
The hell makes you think you're qualified to lead AVALANCHE Time?
CID: The f**k is an AVALANCHE Time?
BARRET: Did this motherf**ker…?
RED XII: He did.
CID: Look...
I come from a long line of Cids, and even though most of us are different in some way,
there's one thing we all have in common.
And that's when things get tough,
CIDS.
CIDS. GET.
CIDS. GET. SHIT.
CIDS. GET. SHIT. DONE.
Or if you wanna find someone else to fly you anywhere, be my f**king guest.
BARRET: Fine, Whatever! You're the leader, shit.
CID: Now before we head off,
I'm gonna make myself a nice hot cup of GODDAMN—
WHO THE F**K VOMITED ON THE POOP DECK?!
RED XIII: If he's mad now, wait 'til he sees what I left on the vomit deck.
[Opening Theme]
CID: Shinra's hitting two places at once, so we're gonna need to split up.
COMMANDER: I always knew that one day, fate would bring us heroes with the strength to oppose Shinra…
Today is that day…
CONDOR: (caws)
CID: Don't worry, Commander. I'm giving you my best squad to help you out.
COMMANDER: We are forever grateful to both you and the skilled tacticians you have lent us…
CAIT SITH, YUFFIE AND VINCENT: (overlapping incoherent shouting and mumbling)
COMMANDER: Oh...
BARRET: You've doomed them all.
CID: Here's the game plan, boys:
While Barret and I are inside the reactor f**king shit up,
Red'll be sniffing out the Huge Materia.
Once that son-bitch is ours, we get the hell out of here, and blow this motherf**k sky high!
BARRET: I like the way you think, Cid.
RED XIII: This plan seems a tad confuzzling.
Why would we look for the Huge Materia inside the reactor when it was on that train that just passed by?
CID: WHAT?! Why didn't you tell me?!
RED XIII: I was enthroolled by your swears.
BARRET: Dammit! There ain't no gettin' on that train now!
Unless…
This calls for speed.
RED XIII: What kind of speed?
BARRET & RED XIII: AVALANCHE SPEED!!
(train slowly chugging)
BARRET & RED XIII: AVALANCHE SPEED!
CID: AVALANCHE Speed f**king sucks!
BARRET: Did you take your foot off the AVALANCHE brake?
RED XII: Trick question! There are no brakes on the AVALANCHE train!
CID: Now, we're just gonna sneakily jump on board—
BARRET & RED XIII: AVALANCHE TRAIN!!
CID: You guys shut up before they hear us!
SOLDIER: Intruders! CID: You guys shut up before they hear us!
CID: Motherf**k…
BARRET: Sorry, but we ain't getting off this train!
SOLDIER: Fine by me. Nothin's gonna stop this train from reaching Cor—
SOLDIER: Fine by me. Nothin's gonna stop this train from reaching Cor— [STAB]
ARGH, my life!
RED XIII: That was some fast thinking taking out the only guy who knows how to control this train.
(music slows and stops)
CID: (shaky breathing)
BARRET: We gotta stop this train before it reaches Corel!
RED XIII: What'll happen if we don't stop it?
(train whistle blowing and explosions)
RED XIII: Maybe brakes on an AVALANCHE train is a good idea.
CID: Goddammit, I'm a rocket scientist, not a train scientist!
I don't know how these controls work!
RED XIII: It's just like you said, Barret! There ain't no getting this train off!
BARRET: You get points for trying.
CID: I… I-I don't know what to do.
BARRET: There's one thing you can do, Cid!
Believe…
CID: Believe in what?
BARRET AND RED XIII: AVALANCHE TIME MOTHAF**KAAAAAA!!!
(wheels screeching) (steam hissing)
FAT MINER: B-Barret…
Did y'all just save our town from becoming a literal-ass train wreck?
BARRET: I guess we did.
We'll just grab what we need and be on our way.
MINER: Oh, no no no no no, baby.
You ain't going nowhere.
Because we want to say something:
We f**ked up…
FAT MINER: We're sorry for the way we treated you, Barret.
Years ago, we ALL wanted Shinra to build a Mako Reactor here.
So, we're all at fault.
We want you to have this, as a way of saying sorry.
BARRET: What is it?
KID: Something everyone's been waitin' for!
Bahamut Hearts 3 Re:Mind.
BARRET AND RED XIII: We'll take it!
CID: Now I'm even more f**king confused.
BARRET: I promise y'all, we're gonna take care of Meteor and save the planet!
Just like Dyne would have wanted…
MINER: Man, f**k that Meteor.
We're miners. We just dig ourselves deep enough and Meteor won't even hit us.
CID: Digging your own graves? Great idea.
RED XIII: Hey, that sounded like something Mog would say.
CID: Yeah, it does! I wonder how they're doin'?
YUFFIE, CAIT SITH & VINCENT: (indistinct shouting) - COMMANDER: I'm starting to think that today was not the day…
CONDOR: (caws)
COMMANDER: What do you mean "it is"?
(cracking)
(wind howling)
(fire roaring)
(bird screeching)
CAIT SITH & VINCENT: Yay! YUFFIE: We just stopped the Shinra troops!
ALL: Aww…
COMMANDER: Farewell, old friend…
Fate has claimed you…
But…you leave behind a heroic legacy, and a beautiful child.
BABY CONDOR: (squawking) BABY WANT WORMIES!
(baby condor screeches)
COMMANDER: (sighs) Fate's a bitch… - BABY WANT WORMIES!
CID: Mission accomplished, y'all!
CAIT SITH: Personally, I think we could've done a better job at Fort Condor.
RED XIII: Yeah! Now what are they gonna do with that giant baby bird, NOT eat it?!
CID: Look, what matters is that we got the Huge Materia before those numbskulls at Shinra.
Now…there's just one thing left to do.
CID: Hey.
TIFA: Hey…
CID: So… Uh…
We stopped Shinra from stealing some Huge Materia.
Barret really wanted to show it to you guys.
BARRET [OS]: It's larger than average!
RED XIII [OS]: (chortles)
TIFA: Cool…
Seems like you're doing fine without us…
CID: Look…
Tifa, I… I can't do this alone.
I know he's your friend, but—
TIFA: Don't, Cid! Okay?
Just… This, all of this, everything… It-it's because of me…
Okay?
It's my fault… And—
CID: And what? You guys just gonna sit here and wait 'til Meteor comes and kills both of y'all?
TIFA: I'm not leaving Cloud's side.
I'm gonna stay with him 'til the end.
(yelling) (rumbling)
CID: The end might come sooner than expected!
CLOUD: L…Life… S-Stream…
CID: Cloud, did you just…? The hell is going on out there!?
Sweet Dragoon on a cracker, it's a GODDAMN EARTHQUAKE!
We gotta get the hell out of here!
TIFA: But what about Cloud?!
CID: Grab him! Come on, we gotta hurry!
TIFA: This whole place is about to fall apart! We have to get out of here!
DOCTOR: No can do.
I made a Hippocratic oath that whenever things turn sideways bad, I'll go down with the ship.
TIFA: I-Isn't that for captains?
DOCTOR: And now you know why I'm such a bad doctor.
CLOUD: (whimpering)
TIFA: Cloud, (shushing) I-I know you're scared…
But I'm gonna do you a solid and protect you...
No matter what.
DOCTOR: SEE YOU IN HELL, LANDLUBBERS!!
(loud rumbling) (Tifa panting)
TIFA: (gasps)
Shit, shit, shit, shi-whoa whoa whoa, whoa!
(screams)
(ending fanfare)
♪ TANKCERATOPS AND THE VEHICULARSAURS ♪
TANKCERATOPS: I MADE YOU COOKIES!
GONDOLADON: THANK YOU!
VELOCICOPTER: YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND!
PTRACTORDACTYL: (screeches)
(beeping)
TANKCERATOPS: THE TANKCERAPHONE!
UH HUH?
Okay.
IT WAS THE WRONG NUMBER!!!
(Tankceratops theme plays)