[Starring Michael Jones]
Dodge 'Em?
No!
More like Fuck 'Em!
The assholes who made this piece of shit!
God Dammit!
You gotta fuckin' reset it every time!
Why do I gotta re- AHHH WHY?
I seriously hope the AI technology behind this fucking blue car,
ya that's what it is,
is like in charge of our government's nuclear launch codes or something.
Because it's a God damn genius.
It's-it-it fucking knows where you're gonna go!
And in most situations,
like THAT!
It fucking makes you go like where it is!
It's like "oh I'm gonna move down to avoid the car
cause it's gonna move up."
And then the car's like
"Nope! I'm not gonna do that!"
And then the car stays where it is,
and you end up drivin' up into it like a fuckin' drunk!
OR,
it just jumps right at the fuck in front of you!
LOOK AT THAT!
Oh fuck, fuck, FUCK!
FUCK!
That was my only route!
That was my only route left,
and it fucked me!
It fucked me like a cheap whore!
But you know what cheap whores do?
THEY LEAVE!
When you're done!
They don't keep coming back for more,
just pounding you're fucking mouth!
Just, just fucking cratering it!
I hate it!
I hate it-
Half t- half the time I die in like
fuckin' thirty pegs!
Because the car is just like
"I'm just gonna drive straight
dumb fuck's gonna ride right into me,
no fuckin' question."
BAM!
There it is!
My asshole, on the fuckin' side of the road, dead!
FUCK!
It just knows!
I assume,
that after you clear this fuckin' section,
that there's another map.
I don't fuckin' know!
Because I haven't beaten it!
I've only been here like
fuckin' thirty five hours!
Look-LOOK AT THAT!
LOOK AT THAT!
All I did was go straight
and the fuckin' car knew!
FUCK!
At the last second!
It-I swear to God,
it can move faster than you can too, because
half the time I hold the fucking button,
to-to shift my car, and the game's just like
"Nope! Not gonna fuckin' do it!
The blue car?
It's just like driving through walls and shit!
It's breaking the fuckin' fourth wall,
the fifth wall,
the sixth wall!
It's just- it's like fuckin'
it's just like a demolishion man!
Just busting on through, it's like fuckin'
Kool-Aid!
FUCK!
He's like a crafty bastard!
I swear to God!
This fuckin' car,
is like Michael Myers, like
I'm just fuckin' runnin'!
I-I'm on a motorcycle right?
And I'm flyin' like a hundred miles an hour
to get the fuck outta here!
I'm makin' left turns,
right turns.
I'm in the next fucking like county!
This asshole is walking after me with a knife,
and he still fuckin' kills me everytime!
I don't know how he does it!
It's like fuckin'
movie magic!
LOOK AT THAT!
HE INCEPT INTO ME!
It's like the motherfucker knows where I'm gonna go!
There's nothing I can do about it!
Thanks for the fucking game recommendation Bernie!
"Oh, you should play this for fuckin' Rage Quit!
It's the best idea in gaming since Dead Rising 2!"
That one went over fuckin' fantastically didn't it!?
ASSHOLE!
Why do all the pegs have to fucking reset
every time you die? No!
They should stay where they are!
That's how Pac-Man does it!
You're gonna put fucking
little pegs and dots in the game?
You're gonna fucking follow Pac-Man rules!
Fuckin' take the God damn shit away!
Stop puttin' it back!
FUCK!
It's so fuckin' annoying
'cause the game, looks easy!
It's hard as
fuck!
All you assholes are gonna download it like you always do, and you're gonna be like
[Geeky Voice] "Oh I'm gonna play the game, ha ha ha"
and you're gonna be pissed!
Because it's fucking
retardedly difficult.
I...
hate it.
I hate it!
I hate this right now!
I am not...
I don't like it.
Listen to that fucking sweet soundtrack!
I'm sorry that- there's no soundtrack!
'Cause that's not it,
'cause there is none!
That's the sound effects!
It's [Repeated Electronic Sounds]
That's it.
It's fucking music to my ears!
And why is it
every fuckin' time I gotta die,
first of all,
the screen goes "Woah!
goes all fuckin' wacky and changes color n' shit!
Look at this! Oh my God!
It's brown!
It's unbelievable!"
I'm gonna watch the fuckin' computer
drive around and fuckin'
collect all the shit!
'Cause he's just goin' in circles,
or squares,
or rectangles,
whatever the fuckin' shape it is.
Why am I watching this?
Who gives a shit!?
You know why?
'Cause I have to press start,
and hit fuckin' Reset.
Ya, I get it,
it's a fuckin' Atari game
and you're basing it on the Atari controls.
But you know what? It's uh,
it's 2011.
I think you can, you know
probably fuckin', uh,
upgrade a little bit and just restart me
when I die,
so I don't have to press Start
every fucking time I die three times,
which is about every
seventeen fuckin' seconds,
like that.
Look! I die-
I fucking reset it twice!
Within that one fucking rant!
What the fuck!?
WHAT THE FUCK!?
WHY DO YOU MAKE ME DO ALL THIS SHIT?
Cut me a fucking break you asshole!
Look at 'em!
This is mind games!
This is- this is mind games goin' on!
There's mind games goin' on,
and I'm losin'.
Okay?
I'm fucking losing.
If my life depended on this,
I'd be fucked!
Just-just kill me now!
This motherfucker!
I go really fast
I'm gonna go really, really fast!
And then he just slows down.
He's like "I'm just gonna wait.
I'm just gonna wait and fuck'em at the next intersection."
And that's what he does.
[Studdering] It-it-it-
it's like the old lady,
that fuckin', you know,
slams on the breaks,
at the fuckin' yellow light!
You're like "Oh, I'm not gonna make it!"
[Desk Slam] BAM! You just rear-ended that bitch!
And you're fuckin',
you're-you're insurance? Ya!
You just got like, four fuckin' points on your insurance.
So, uh, woah!
Looks like you're fuckin' prices are goin' up!
Better start shoppin' around!
I'm gonna call GEICO!
GEICO sucks!
I...
I-
I don't know...
I don't know when and where to end it!
Because it's just...
It's just an endless cycle of just,
it's like, if you fuckin'...
it's like...
[sigh]
Quite frankly, I do-don't know what else to say!
Because it's...
it's too good!
It's too good for me!
OKAY!?
I DON'T KNOW!
SORRY MOM!
YOU'RE LITTLE BOY AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH!
YOU'RE LITTLE BOY GOT 117! OKAY?
OH LOOK AT ME!
I'M MASTER CHIEF!
I GOT 117!
I'M A FUCKIN' SPARTAN!
I DID A GOOD JOB!
I CAN'T BEAT THE FIRST FUCKING SCREEN AT DODGE EM',
BECAUSE THIS GAME IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT,
AND IT'S HARD AS FUCK!
DON'T PLAY THIS FUCKING GAME!
DON'T DOWNLOAD IT!
DON'T FUCKING TELL ME HOW EASY IT IS!
CAUSE IF YOU DO,
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!
HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!
[Desk Slams]