- Hi, I'm looking for a patient named Rachel Kline.
She's here and dying.
- Okay, that's not how we talk out loud in a hospital.
Are you family or celebrity?
- Oh, um, celebrity?
- Okay, we're actually already checking on that name for P!nk,
so you can go ahead and have a seat next to her assistant.
- Which one is her--
I found her.
- Wow, you look exactly like P!nk.
- It's like dogs and their owners.
This was me when I first started.
- Whoa, when is that?
- Four weeks ago.
You don't look like anyone famous.
Did you just start?
- Oh, today's my first day, actually.
- Well, let me give you some advice.
Never let your boss get into aerial gymnastics.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'm not gonna be an assistant for long.
It's not like a career or anything.
- Your loss.
P!nk's first assistant is now the CEO of her apparel company.
- Whoa, really?
- I mean, it's just leotards for aerial gymnastics,
but she's rich.
- Sorry, ladies, there's no patient here
by the name of Rachel Kline.
- What?
- Oh, I want to talk career with you.
Okay, do you know who Meryl Streep is?
- Yes. - I don't. I don't.
Because she's old, and old is bad.
Okay, young is good.
Do you know how many views your video has?
15 million!
- It does? - Yeah.
And that means I can make you
the most famous person in the world...
For the next 14 hours.
- Well, you know, uh, I think I'm looking for
a little bit more longevity than that.
I guess I just want, like, a-- you know, maybe a small part
in a miniseries, or, you know, a role in a director's...
- [snoring]
- Hello?
- [snoring]
- Hey, Shuli, it's Cary.
Listen, I changed my mind.
I'm actually gonna need that video to come down.
- No can do, Care.
Tomi Lahren just called it an affront to family values.
The gays are back on board.
[all cheering]
- [sighs]
- Wait, I'm sorry.
Why isn't there a Rachel Kline here?
- This happens all the time.
It's a dude, some middle-aged perv who wants attention.
- Ew, but then why would he pretend to be in a hospital?
- They don't think anyone will actually show.
They just hope you feel bad enough
to send a bunch of free crap to their house
probably so they can jack off into it.
- Ugh.
- Check the return address.
- It says New Jersey.
- Exactly, where the pervs live.
- Okay, but if this keeps happening,
why do you keep showing up?
- Because one time out of ten it really is a dying girl,
and if you don't show up, it's bad optics.
And P!nk doesn't do bad optics.
She does near constant aerial gymnastics.
- Well, I'm gonna go to New Jersey
and I'm gonna confront this sick perv.
You want to come?
- No, I have to find
some other dying kid to take a photo with.
- Oh.
- ♪ Haters may hate but I love how he's gay ♪
- Hey, are you from that music video?
- Oh, um, yes,
but I'd love to do a miniseries one day,
like a "Fargo" or something.
- Oh, that's cool.
Um, I just wanted to say I came out to my mom today
sort of because of that video.
- Oh. - I was scared,
but it actually wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
So I guess this is weird, but, um, thanks?
- That's--wow, that's-- that's nice.
Can I, um--can I give you a hug or something?
- Sure.
Okay, see ya.
- Bye.
- And good luck with your miniseries.
- Thanks.
[cell phone buzzes]
- Shuli.
I guess you could leave the video up.
Uh, I'm okay with it now.
- Too bad, Care. It's coming down.
The A.V. Club just said it's "no 'Moonlight.'"
- Was it supposed to be?
- It doesn't matter, Cary!
They said it, and now we're [bleep]ed.
[knocks on door]
- [scoffs]
- He--hello.
- Just what I thought, a pervert.
- Excuse me?
- You think you are so smart,
pretending to be a dying girl so what?
A teen will send you a T-shirt and you can nut in it?
Well, here's your little tee, perv.
Nut away.
Oh, yeah, you should cry.
Oh, good, all your little pervert friends are crying too.
And they're all in black.
- [sobbing]
So Rachel wasn't at the...because she...
- [sobs]
- I am so sorry
for your loss.
- Yo, what up, roomie?
- Hey, you, um-- you smell good.
- Got to, going out with Abby tonight.
Don't want my junk to stink
if she's gonna be down there, you know?
- Totally.
Your, uh--your dick looks good.
- Thanks.
So does yours.
- What? Oh, stupid pants.
- ♪ Ah, my young boys in the truth ♪
- ♪ True, true, true ♪ - ♪ Truth ♪
♪ When you see a real one you better salute ♪
- ♪ Young boys in the truth ♪ - ♪ True, true, true ♪
- ♪ Truth ♪
♪ When you see a real one, you better salute ♪
- ♪ Lute, lute, lute ♪ - ♪ Lute, lute ♪
♪ Young boys in the truth ♪
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.
- What's up, dude?
Am I doing it wrong?
- No, no, no, no. That was--
That was great, um.
I mean, it was a little dry.
It was kind of like a turtle eating a carrot.
But that's not, uh-- that's not the problem.
I can't do this anymore.
- Oh, okay.
- 'Cause every time we do this, it's great or whatever,
but I just feel like shit after.
- Oh, no. You do? Why?
- Because you don't actually like me.
And that makes me feel pathetic, okay?
And I'm not pathetic.
I'm a gay icon.
- Whoa, hey, that's cool.
- Yeah. - Since when?
- This morning. Yeah.