(upbeat music)
(crowd cheering)
You guys, I'm so excited to be here.
I wore my best cardigan for you.
(crowd laughing)
You're welcome.
I was, I was a little bit late getting here though cause
I was teaching a yoga class.
(crowd laughing)
That lady is like that did not happen.
(crowd laughing)
You're right I did not teach a yoga class
I went to one obviously.
(crowd laughing)
It was pretty awesome though cause the yoga teacher she let
me do the modified version of everything, so like the class
would do downward dog and she would let me eat raviolis.
(crowd laughing)
They'll do a child's pose they let me
take a nap in the corner.
(crowd laughing)
I love yoga and namaste.
(crowd laughing)
I am a big fan of the restaurant Hooters,
obviously cause why would you not be?
It's a pretty great place.
The waitresses their are pretty awesome cause they get,
they get a little skeptical about people who come in there
and ask to buy one of their outfits and they get
especially suspicious when that person is me.
(crowd laughing)
I went into a Hooters and I went up to the waitress
and I was like, hey, I'd like to buy one of your shirt,
and she's like, what size?
(crowd laughing)
I was like duh, small.
(crowd laughing)
Well, they run kind of a small, psh even better,
let's do this.
(crowd laughing)
It's my goal in life to buy the entire Hooters outfit and
just go into a Hooters and start waiting on tables.
(crowd laughing)
You know, I just like get on the shorts oh my God
put them on my guts, hanging out.
(crowd laughing)
He's like four dudes are sitting there watching football
and I come in there and they're like what the...
(crowd laughing)
No oo,
(crowd laughing)
no
(crowd laughing)
I didn't order that.
(crowd laughing)
You don't want some chicken wings.
(crowd laughing and clapping)
I want to get real for a second guys, have you ever been
compared to the entire Honey Boo Boo family?
(crowd laughing)
No, just me? Cool cool cool.
(crowd laughing)
That show came out and everybody started tweeting me.
Oh my God. You look just like Honey Boo Boo.
He got in prison at Honey Boo Boo, I'm like,
that was not a compliment, thank you.
(crowd laughing)
What was even worse is when I realized that all I had to do
in order to impersonate Honey Boo Boo's mom.
This is all I had to do.
(crowd laughing and clapping)
I'm not proud, not proud.
(crowd laughing)
I know it's hard to tell by the way I'm dressed right now,
but I am a lesbian, what, that's crazy, you're so feminine.
(crowd laughing)
I know (laughs)
(crowd laughing)
So, is anybody here in the closet?
Anybody?
(crowd laughing)
We'll talk about that later.
(crowd laughing)
I'm not judging, I was a bit of a late bloomer,
I didn't come out until I was 25, and I remember when I was
in college, my mom would be like, I don't understand why you
get so upset when your friend Michelle goes out on dates
with guys, and I was like, because she my best
friend.
(crowd laughing)
You don't get it.
Apparently I did not get it.
(crowd laughing)
I had no idea. I dressed just like this too.
(crowd laughing)
When I finally decided to come out, it's really scary.
Especially telling your dad cause like your dad's your dad,
you know, he's the one who teaches you how to play softball.
(crowd laughing)
Which is like the gayest sport there is.
(crowd laughing)
In fact, some people call it a gateway sport,
(crowd laughing and clapping)
It's just softball, then lesbian.
(crowd laughing and clapping)
There's some straight girls here right now who are like,
(crowd laughing and clapping)
Oh my God.
(crowd laughing)
Oh my God.
I played softball in high school.
I was third base and I was really good. What does this mean?
It means you're gay.
(crowd laughing and clapping)
We're coming for you. Grab the Subaru, lets gooo!
(crowd laughing)
Put on your Tevas, it's going to be a long journey.
(crowd laughing)
So when I told my dad, I took him to this hometown festival
in the South to tell him, you know, safety in numbers and,
(crowd laughing)
you never know.
We're sittin' there and I'm like, so nervous I can barely
talk I'm like, Dad, I'm like (mumbles),
(crowd laughing)
At this point he's really nervous cause he thinks
I'm special.
(crowd laughing)
So I'm like, Dad, I'm gay, and he cocks his head back
and he's like, aw shit.
(crowd laughing)
And then he's like,
welp,
(crowd laughing)
you wanna go to Old Navy and get you a new outfit?
(crowd laughing)
I'm like, Dad, what's Old Navy have to do with me
being a lesbian? He was like, I don't know.
They sell vests and shit.
(crowd laughing)
That's my time, you guys, thank you so much.
(crowd cheering)