Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to.
Bad kitty.
We all know Bill Murray duped himself into Garfield 1, thinking one of the Coen Brothers wrote it,
but his contract included a sequel, and because audiences LOVE to see this man punished, he got one.
Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties continues the Garfield movie tradition of having practically nothing to do with Garfield.
He dances, has a ton of energy, tries to help those in need, and looks like a hairy hallucination from Pink Floyd's 'The Wall'.
But he likes lasagna so...no difference?
Probably goes without saying that this film is just as bad as the first,
but this is an analytical review series, so just saying "Bite me, you pluck of ginger pubic hair!" probably isn't gonna be enough.
So let's take a look with greater detail, something the filmmakers obviously didn't do!
This is Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties.
So it only figures that the opening would be in crayon -- I just assumed the whole script was written in it.
The film starts off with a surprising narration from Roscoe Lee Browne, the narrator of Babe.
"Once upon a time in an English castle, there lived a pampered personage."
Oh, knock off the elegance and dignity bullshit. You're Garfield 2!
"Prince knew no other life than a life of luxury."
"Oh, did I mention that Prince was a cat?"
"Yes, I'm kind of a bad narrator. Oh, did I also mention that it takes place in the year 3021?"
Director: You're Fired.
"Oh, bother."
So, as you can quickly imagine, this cat named Prince looks exactly like Garfield,
and it's obviously taking influence from Mark Twain's The Prince and the Pauper.
...If that's so, why is your title satirizing A Tale of Two Cities?
In fact, why did the opening credits have fairy tales? None of these things are connected!
This has less to do with Garfield than...the rest of the movie has anything to do with Garfield!
We then see our main character, Garfield, who's... pretty athletic for being so heavy...
You guys do know what a cat is, right?
...as he discovers his master, Jon, is going to propose to Liz the vet, who Garfield apparently doesn't like.
"Whatever happened to Jon? My metalhead guy, my dude? You were so much cooler when you wore a mullet."
Ugh, now they're suggesting that Jon had a mullet.
Did he?
But Liz interrupts his big question, because apparently she's been invited to go to England, to speak at the Royal Animal Conservancy.
"Jane Goodall dropped out at the last minute because she's nursing a sick chimp, and they asked me!"
Ah, yes. Jane Goodall (left) Liz the vet. (right) I totally understand this choice!
That's like saying, "What? We can't get Rudy Giuliani to open the 9/11 museum? Well, bring in Paul Blart: Mall Cop. That's a fitting replacement!
We do da smart ting!"
"You moron."
Jon decides to follow Liz to England, where we see the owner of Prince has died, and so a stretched Stephen Colbert reads the will, saying who gets what.
"I leave all my worldly possessions to my beloved kitty, Prince XII."
"I, Prince? The new lord of the castle?"
That's right -- legality be damned! Cats can now own property and titleship!
Come on, as if anyone would be stupid enough to give uncontrollable power to a dumb, orange narcissist with no experience whatsoever.
Eh, even if they did, I imagine his inauguration would be about this big.
"I pledge from this day forward to rule my kingdom with wisdom and valor."
In case you're wondering, that's Tim Curry providing the voice of Prince.
Which is a shame, because I REALLY think his acceptance speech should be a little bit more Tim Curry-esque!
[Prince, as Darkness from 'Legend'] "Even now, the evil seed of what you've done germinates within you."
"I require the solace of the shadows... and the dark of the night."
"Sunshine is my DESTROYER!"
"We are all animals."
[NC, as Tim Curry]: "Have a lovely day!"
But Prince's rule upsets the original owner's nephew, Dargis, played by Billy Connolly.
Who was very clearly chosen because John Cleese wouldn't do it.
Don't get me wrong, I love Billy Connolly,
but it's amazing how much they make him look, sound, and act exactly like John Cleese.
"Since he is gone, the title of the Carlyle Estate falls to me."
"Hidden gold under a twenty foot pile of horse shit."
"Well, actually, it's quite common."
"No, I don't need to read this yet."
"I don't particularly care what it seems to you."
MANUEL!!
It's the same character Cleese usually plays - same attitude, appearance, and voice.
I'm just imagining that recording of John Cleese turning this role down.
-"Oh please, c'mon, c'mon-"
Director:"Oh please. c'mon. c'mon-!" Cleese:"Now, look here, I've done many things I'm not proud of."
"'Fievel Goes West', 'Beethoven's Christmas Adventure', 'Swan Princess'."
"But I'm drawing the line at 'The Tale of Two Titties'!"
Director:"Actually, it's 'Two Kitties.'"
Cleese:"I know what I said."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to film 'The Adventures of Pluto Nash'."
Director:"Over our movie?!"
Cleese:"Not proudly, but firmly. Fuck off, pigs."
So while Prince is enjoying his continuous life of luxury,--
--Jesus Christ, I thought those were centaurs!
Connolly decides it's all water under the bridge, by placing Prince in water under the bridge.
[splash]
So the animals try to foil whatever Connolly's evil plans are.
-[Bugs Bunny] "Duck season!" -[Daffy Duck] "Wabbit season!"
"You wouldn't want to injure the creatures, would you?"
No no, only aim for the orange ones, with celebrities mumbling swear words under their breath!
But Garfield decides, while in Britain, he should probably look around.
"First let's grab some chow, before I eat your liver. With some fava beans and a nice chianti."
WHY do bad sequels think kids have seen 'Silence of the Lambs'?!
Do they play it on Cartoon Network? Did it do a crossover with 'Gumball'?
But one of the butlers comes across Garfield, of course mistaking him for Prince,
while Prince is in a nearby sewer.
"Hello? Someone help a chap? I'm in the sewer."
Oh, c'mon, you have a Silence of the Lambs joke, yet you have Tim Curry in a sewer, and you don't do this?
[Pennywise from 'It'] "Hi Georgie! They float. They float...
"Here, here. I must return to my throne."
[barking]
"What ho?"
[NC, as Prince] "Huh. How come every animal in this movie can talk but you?"
"It didn't make sense in the comic strip either. Is ANYTHING in this movie improved on?!"
"Bathtime for you, buddy."
"Well, that's the best news I've heard all day. The dog's not very bright, is he?"
"Where are you taking me, is it somewhere lovely?"
You know, I understand that the humans can't hear the animals in this, but...
do they ever question why many of them have spastic movements, that seem eerily similar to human conversations?
What is it, feline with human attributes?
Well, this just seems totally normal to me. Should I be concerned?
Oh, I know! I'll use my feline with human attributes translator.
Still not talking. Is this something just cats do?
No no no no no, we communicate just fine. She's just having a stroke.
Come along, darling, we'll get you to a doctor.
Meow.
Take her to Liz the vet! I hear she's the next Jane Goodall.
It looks like he was found just in time, as Connolly has evil plans to turn the giant estate into a spa!
Actually, that sounds lovely.
"Meditation garden, and of course, luxury condominium!"
"What will you...do with all the animals?"
"Those we don't chase off, we will serve up to the guests."
Okay, the animal thing is douchey, but with financial planners, I'm sure they'd find a way to either make profit on the farm,
or sell the animals in a way that would also make them profit.
I mean, what's the alternative? There's just a big house for a cat?
Call me crazy, but I'm totally siding with the bad guy in this! Do something with that place!
Make it more than just a very expensive litterbox!
But screw that! Instead we have to have Garfield stand in for Prince so that the estate can...
continue to burn money!
"Oyez! Oyez!"
[NC, as dog] "Attention, animals that can sense things through smell, here is an obvious imposter!"
"Fall for it!"
"Dargis is going to bulldoze the barnyard and feed us to the tourists!"
"Let him try! He'll have to deal with these fists of fury, won't he?"
Yeah, he'll have to put up with our blank stares! Endure how unfocused we all are!
But Garfield is shown that him staying there is very important, as apparently the feline inbreeding is so thick
that there's literally not one difference in between them.
"I've got a house inside of a house."
[fart]
"Ooh, blimey."
Hey, they got to the fart joke much slower than I originally expected they would!
"Well struck, sire! Good tone! Smooth finish!"
Ohh, it's how Jim Davis reacted after seeing his creation destroyed, but held a big residual check at the same time.
[singing "Movin' On Up"]
So Garfield enjoys the palace life, again, getting more exercise than we have ever seen this character get,
and doesn't even question the scary-as-hell singing paintings.
[singing "Movin' On Up"]
You know, he's frightening enough in kind-of three dimensions,
we don't need to see if he's that frightening in two.
But Connolly, after a pretty long period of time passes, finally discovers that the cat is still there.
"Bring some of those investors, those lovely investors! We'll throw a party! Cheerio!"
[NC, as Connolly] "Home to your greenscreen of England! You know we haven't had a sunny day here in eons!"
"Kill kitty! Kill kitty!"
So he trains a dog to rip Garfield to shreds, but it seems to backfire.
[chomp]
[chomp] [Connolly screaming]
Jee-hee-hee-zus! it's supposed to be a crotch shot, not castration!
This is like a 'Game of Thrones' death! Christ!
Meanwhile, Prince is being forced to enjoy common life while still being mistaken for Garfield.
"Oh, good lord, what gruel is this?"
British food. Though I understand the comparison.
Later in the day, Liz coincidentally takes a tour of the palace Garfield is in.
[mock scoff] I'm as shocked as you!
"If I may...uh, one question, uh..."
-"Liz."
Not...VET Liz! Oh, thank God we got rid of that Goodall bitch, you're the real connection to the animal mind!
"What would you say if I were to donate one of my priceless oil paintings?"
"That royal sleaze is hitting on Liz!"
[NC as Garfield] "The person I was trying to keep out of my life and now I suddenly care about for no reason!"
These transitions are as smooth as a Slip-N-Slide becoming a Slip-N-Sandpaper!
"You moron."
Connolly throws him in the dungeon, but his animal friends are there to help him get out.
"What, did you finally here my stomach growling?"
"No, but we heard your tiresome monologue."
"Let's get you out of here, your royal highness."
Uhh, how exactly does this dungeon work?
You pull on the chains, like...ANYONE would do in a dungeon, especially if you're gonna handcuff somebody,
and THAT opens a way out?
Kind of counterproductive, isn't it? Do most villains have setups like that?
[evil laugh]
In five minutes, Batgirl, this whole room will fill with laughing gas!
Better figure a way out if you don't want a bad case of the giggles!
[evil laugh]
"..."
Outside the dungeon, Garfield finally comes face to face with a mirror in the garden!
[sputtering] Whaaaaaaaaaa??
You know, this is usually more impressive when PEOPLE are doing it.
You know, instead of animated vomit stains that you can move however you want.
Two people moving in exact unison is very impressive,
but when one animated cartoon moves exactly like the other animated cartoon,
it just kind of looks like you copied it.
What's that, movie?
Oh, yes, of course, it looks SO realistic, I didn't even know it was CG!
"I'll bet he's just usin' that as an excuse."
But when Prince returns, it looks like he just wants to run away from Connolly.
Garfield, again, in typical Garfield fashion, applies his bravery and self-motivation to inspire the others.
"You know, I have to believe we can do better. We don't leave. We stand and we kick royal butt."
Is it really that hard just to open one of these?
But this movie's not done trying to be the next 'Santa Paws', as all the animals come together to foil Connolly's plans.
"Stupid cat!"
Oh, yeah, you never know when you might need a MACE! Good to have those lying around!
That must've been great on those tours we see all the time. "Feel free to touch the mace!
Take one home as a souvenir! It's a great form of punishment if you can't show 'em this movie!"
"Aahh! Something's biting me!"
After the animals give Connolly the runaround, he takes measures into his own hands.
"And not a moment too soon."
-"Let her go." -"All in good time."
Nooooooo! Not Liz! She was gonna cure animal cancer! That's LIZ!
But one weasel bites off another weasel...what's the point? We know there's nothing left up there!
And everybody seems to be safe.
"I've been trying to get the courage up to ask you something all week."
"Uh-huh?"
"Looking for something?"
"Liz, will you marry me?"
"Yes."
Ah yes! MARRIAGE. That's what this was all about.
Garfield getting over his hatred of Liz and his love for Jon by...
being separated from them in most of the movie and learning absolute squat, tell me the credits are around the corner.
Oh wow, it was like the next scene!
This...movie wants to end itself as much as I do!
So that was 'The Prince and the Pussy'- I mean 'Furry Tale Theater'- I mean 'A Tale of Two Kitties'.
Yeah, seriously, why is it called that again?
It pretends to be funny, moralistic, and just like Garfield,
but it's dull, unfocused on the message, and has more to do with DENTAL SURGERY than Garfield.
And it's probably more tolerable to sit through.
Thank God there's only two of these movies because they only would've gotten worse and worse.
They started from a place that had little to do with such a likable character, and only strayed further and further away.
My advice is not to look at any of this kitty litter anytime soon.
And that's the last movie for Sequel Month, and thank God! Can you think of ANYTHING GOOD this experience has given us?
Hmmmmmm?
Bill? He's always been here. How could you forget Bill?
[Garfield] "You moron."
Hey, Doug Walker here, doing the Charity Shout-Out,
and this week, we are doing the Wounded Warriors Family Support.
Their mission is to provide support to the families of those who have been wounded, injured or killed during combat operations.
The families of their casualty suffer in many ways.
Some financially, some psychologically.
They're focused on so many different elements, like to promote and support philanthropy
through a program that is effective in providing all federal employees the opportunity
to improve the quality of life for all.
The great thing is you can see the families they help out, as well as hear the amazing things these brave soldiers did.
On both their website and their YouTube channel, you can see how this unbelievable bravery should, and is, being rewarded.
At least with your help.
Take a look at all the sacrifices these people have made and see if you can give them, and their families, the "thank you" they deserve.
Definitely take a look.