- My name's Molly!
I was born an Irish Catholic lesbian.
(laughing)
One of the rarest breeds to come out of the Midwest.
(laughing)
Still bein' studied by scientists
(laughing) and my dad Kevin.
(laughing)
I know I sound like I chop wood for a living.
It's just a hobby.
(laughing)
You see, when you choose to be gay,
you gotta sign a waiver with the Gay Lords
that you'll have a creative Etsy page,
though I chose pieces of wood.
(laughing)
First two people I decided to come out to
were my two brothers, 'cause they're ma boys y'all!
(laughing)
It was before Uber, so I said,
"Hey fellas, get in the van, Mom's drivin' us to the bar,
"I got somethin' to tell ya."
(laughing)
And we blacked out,
so the only thing I remember saying to them was
I grabbed their necks and I said,
"Brothers, I like my bagels like I like my boobies
"and that's two at a time, in my hands."
And then I squeezed their necks real tight.
(laughing)
So I had to come out to them again properly
the next morning.
(laughing)
My one brother was like,
"Moll Doll, you said it was obvious.
"How would we know you were gay?"
And I said, "Well, I had a bowl cut
"'til I was 13 1/2 by choice.
"Okay, I signed up for sixth grade softball
"so I could wear the pants. (laughing)
"And I wore my All That t-shirt 'til it disintegrated
"off of my body." (laughing)
These are the same two brothers
that when I was 10 years old convinced me
that my birth name was not Molly Carney,
but it was in fact Meat Brick.
(laughing)
Meat Brick. (laughing)
They made a fake birth certificate and crinkled it up,
(laughing)
and burnt the edges,
and I was like, "This is my destiny."
(laughing)
So little Meat Brick
went to school the next day in my jumper,
and I went up Sister Karen's desk and I said
"Sister Karen, something's come up."
(laughing)
"I will not be answering to Molly anymore.
"You will call me Meat Brick."
(laughing)
Went back to my desk,
signed my math paper Meat Brick like I was Oprah,
(laughing)
and my friends started calling me MB.
And I love nicknames!
I gave myself my own nickname the summer before,
and I was like, "Dad, you'll call me Sport,
"or we're not talking for the whole summer."
(laughing)
So my dad and I didn't talk for an entire summer.
(laughing)
Can you imagine bein' on the playground
with good old Meat Brick?
(laughing)
I was like a big 1990s Roseanne Barr in fourth grade, okay?
I ate meat bricks for breakfast.
(audience laughs)
Playin' Red Rover and I'm like, "Call me over."
(laughing)
And they're like, "Ma ma ma ma ma Meat Brick."
And I'm like, "Forget your lunch money.
"I'm gonna eat you all." (audience laughs)
Yeah, so the principal called my mom and said, "Mrs. Carney,
"your daughter's a little bit of a loose cannon.
"She's telling the entire student body
"that her name is Meat Stick." (audience laughs)
And my mom goes, "My daughter's name is Meat Brick."
Hung up on her! (audience laughs)
Family's pretty savage, but we look out for our own.
(laughing)
I dress myself every day, unless I'm hungover,
then the day before dresses me.
(audience laughs)
I love beer, but beer does not love me back.
(laughing)
I wake up in the morning sometimes from a hangover
and I'll be like, "Haaaaaa".
That's me tryin' to cry.
I'm just so dehydrated.
(laughing)
You guys ever get so hungover where you cross your legs
laying down to give you the feeling
of sitting up for the day?
(laughing)
If I'm really bad in the hole, I'll call my mom,
and I'll be like, "Hey, Mom, it's me, Molly!"
She's like, "Yeah, I pay your cell phone bill.
"what's wrong?"
(laughing)
I was like, "I wanted to thank you for giving birth
"to my twelve pound baby body, and I'm sorry for everything.
"I'm an organ donor, this is the last day on earth
for me, I'm dying."
(laughing)
One day I decided to go to the bar in the morning
and get ahead of the hangover and I grabbed my pals
and I ordered some Dirty Shirleys to spice it up a bit,
and I took a sip, and this is where you're
gonna have to follow me to the bathroom
because it went down like a rocket,
and I squeezed my butt cheeks together so hard
I coulda cracked an egg and made you an omelet.
(laughing)
I get to the bathroom stall and I do the sign
of the cross because I'm still Catholic in a crisis.
(laughing)
And then all of the sudden, I hear something
in the stall next to me that I have never heard
in a bathroom before.
It's a lady's voice, and she goes,
"One, two, three, ho come on!"
(laughing)
And then everything just sucked right back up in me,
and I was totally fine.
I'm like, "What am I even doing in here?"
(laughing)
so I decided to do the neighborly thing,
and I went and I checked on her
and I said, "Knock, knock, excuse me, ma'am.
Do you need a hand?"
She's like, "Sweetie, I'm tryin' to get my father
off the toilet."
That's when I morphed into my dad
and I said, "Ma'am, step aside."
(laughing)
Was nose-to-nose with a 90-year-old guy and I said,
"Sir, my name's Molly, I'm gonna be gettin' you
off this toilet today.
(laughing)
"I know I look like a mirage from the sandlot
(laughing)
"but I am real and in this scenario,
"you are my beast."
(laughing)
So I wrapped my hungover weak body
around his bare back because for some reason
his daughter also took his shirt off Gramps
for a better grip.
And I touched the cookie dough back on him
and I whispered, "On my count."
(laughing)
I went, "One, two, three!
"Hey ay ay ay ay.
"Hey ay yeah,
"I said hey ah"
and he said, "What the hell is going on?
(laughing)
And his daughter tapped me out, thank God,
and I went back to the bar, and at this point,
remember my friends are sitting there waiting for me.
It's been 20 minutes.
I'm in a deep sweat, and I was like,
"Nothing bad happened, I was doing a service."
And then I felt a tap on my shoulder,
and I was like, "There's no way that man
"can move that fast."
But he can!
And he had a walker, and he's like,
"Little lady, if you were born a man,
you'd be a linebacker for the Cleveland Browns!"
and then he paid my tab, y'all!
Thank you guys, my name's Molly Carney.
(upbeat music)