- Hey, Grokites!
Today, we're gonna grok when you should have children.
Well, I don't know when YOU should have children.
But as a woman who spent pretty much
all of my fertile years in college and graduate school,
I thought about this issue a lot.
And I get asked about it a lot.
Let's place this in some context.
For pretty much all of human history,
women had children when they were most fertile.
Fertility is a clinical term, the way I'm using it here.
It's the time when your body is most evolutionarily
at an advantage for carrying, birthing,
nursing and maintaining the life of a tiny helpless human.
In modern times, when women are at their most fertile,
they have the opportunity to go to school, thank goodness.
And they have the opportunity to control
their reproductive cycles, thank goodness.
I was in graduate school, starting the process
of writing my thesis when I became a mom.
I was 29.
When I was trying to decide
when the right time was to have kids,
these were the things I was thinking about,
and maybe you're thinking about them too.
Number one, fitness.
When is the right time to have children?
Like, anatomically and physiologically speaking.
Is there a right time?
I know women can and do give birth
well into their 30's, 40's and even 50's.
But as a neuroscientist who studied a lot
about fetal development,
I'm just gonna be straight with you.
If you get pregnant and you're over the age of 35,
your pregnancy will be flagged as high risk
for a lot of reasons which can impact
the kind of birth that you wanna have.
In addition, you may be subject to a lot of tests
which can increase risk to the fetus,
anxiety and a lot of other issues
that you may not wanna deal with.
Number two, career.
Many women all over the world, work.
And in many cases, women are the primary
breadwinners for their families.
How do you have a baby
and still work and support your family?
The notion that giving birth
is like something you go do real quick,
and get right back to work,
is actually not really how it pans out.
The process of giving birth is kind of a big deal.
Working until the day you go into labor,
thinking that you're gonna get back to work
as soon as possible is not always healthy for you.
It can be physically draining,
and emotionally draining as well.
Even if you prefer to be at work.
And so, the decision is not just
when do I have a baby?
Or am I ready to become a mom?
It really becomes, when's the most convenient time
for my boss for me to have a baby?
Will me giving birth become a burden to my workplace
if it happens at an inopportune time?
Will I loose my job if I have a long recovery?
This is often the most painful and difficult issue
that women encounter when trying
to figure out when to have a baby.
Number three, childcare.
Having a baby is one thing.
Raising it is another.
Women's brains have evolved over the course
of millions of years of evolution
to be primed for keeping a baby alive.
If we choose to work, who raises our baby?
What are the daycare opportunities near where we work?
Are they reasonable?
Are we seen as a burden to our coworkers
if we choose to take time out to breastfeed?
Our decisions often become wrapped up
in what works best for other people
as opposed to our decision to become a parent.
These are excruciatingly difficult questions.
And here are my takeaway suggestions for how to handle them.
Number one, don't wait for your life to start.
If having children when you are young is important to you,
and especially if you plan to have
more than one or two children,
don't gamble with your convictions about your fitness.
Obviously, this doesn't mean
that I don't think you should get
your college or graduate degree.
But putting off having kids
until you reach some sort of academic milestone,
can often lead to your 30's passing you by
without having had children.
I felt confident that I wanted to have children
when my eggs were as young as possible.
That's just me, I don't know what's right for you.
Many women take time off from school to have babies.
And that's a totally viable option.
Will you get behind?
Yes.
But will you have your physical fitness on your side
if that's something that's important to you?
Yes.
Number two, decide the life you want.
I chose to stay home with my kids in their formative years
rather than advance my career as a scientist.
And I had been out of the acting world
for almost a decade at that time.
It was a painful decision
and it was not without a lot of doubt.
And this is a pain and a doubt
that only women in this situation can understand.
I had to choose, I chose to be home.
And I returned to work and went back to acting
when my second son was a toddler.
Much as I wonder what life would've been like
had I put my children in daycare.
And I don't begrudge women who do.
I felt that it was my life's work
to be home with my children.
I have no regrets about that.
I wanted to be there for every second and I was.
There is no right or wrong answer here.
You get to decide your life.
Not your mom, not your paycheck,
not your thesis advisor, you.
Number three, rage.
It's okay to feel outraged and enraged
by the state of things.
Especially in the United States,
women do not get enough paid maternity leave.
Men hardly get any.
There are countries in this world
that give a year or paid maternity leave
followed by a year of paid paternity leave.
Those are countries that are investing in parenthood
and in family building.
When governments prioritize the health of a mother
and a baby and a family,
people are happier and society functions better.
Be angry that your country doesn't do that.
I don't have all the answers for all women.
I know what worked for me
but nothing any of us do, is ever perfect.
My heart goes out to women forced
into working situations that do not give them choices.
And we need to do better, supporting women
in their child bearing years,
no matter what their choices are.
Ultimately, we all benefit when our society
values women as mothers and contributors
to a larger society of thinkers, doers and creators.
Please leave me your comments below.
How did you decide when to have children?
Or what are the things you're thinking about
if you're currently deciding when to have children?
Make sure to like, share and subscribe.
Go to groknation.com for more articles
on being a working mom and see you next time!