-I've just been told that George W. Bush
is going to make a statement rom the governor's mansion in Texas.
NBC takes you live to Austin for this important address.
[ Laughter ]
-Me? Oh.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-My fellow Americans,
I have called upon the networks tonight
to make two pressing issues clear to the American public.
[ Sneezes ]
[ Laughter ]
Number one, the possible default of New York City,
and number one, my stand on the Ronald Reagan announcement.
[ Phone ringing ]
Yello?
[ Phone ringing ]
Hello?
Hello? Nessen?
I can't hear you. What are you, in the pool?
Oh, I guess the other phone's ringing.
I don't know. Alright.
-Peter, what did the acid look like?
-Um...they were these little orange pills.
-Were they barrel-shaped? -Uh, yeah.
-Okay. Right. You did some Orange Sunshine, Peter.
[ Laughter ]
-Very good of you to know that, Mr. President.
-How long ago did you take it, Peter.
-Uh, I don't know. I can't read my watch.
-Alright, Peter, now just listen.
Everything's gonna be fine. You're very high right now.
You'll probably be that way for about five more hours.
Try taking some Vitamin B complex,
or Vitamin C complex.
If you have a beer, go ahead and drink it.
-Okay. -Just remember
you're a living organism on this planet,
and you're very safe.
You've just taken a heavy drug. -Alright.
-Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music.
Okay? -Yeah.
-Do you have any Almond Brothers?
[ Laughter ]
-Well, hello, little girl. What's your name?
-Lisa Meyers.
-Well, Lisa, if you're that good a saleslady,
maybe I could use you up on Capital Hill.
Well, it was nice meeting you.
-Come on, Lisa. Come on.
-Bye-bye. -Bye. -Come on.
Back to work!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Tomorrow is Earth Day.
Environment -- a difficult problem.
Got to be prudent.
[ Laughter ]
I'd...
I'd love to just take care of the greenhouse effect
in one fell swoop up here.
Not gonna sacrifice jobs down here.
Not gonna.
-I misled the country, and for that I am very, very sorry.
I've also misled my friends, and my family.
And for that, I am very, very, very sorry.
But most importantly of all, I misled 34 brilliant
and moderate Republicans in the House of Representatives.
[ Laughter ]
I would like to say to you, I am very...
very...
very, very, very...
very, very, very, very, very, very...
very sorry. Hot damn! I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, I've been carrying this acceptance speech
in my pocket for weeks, and it's high time I read it.
It's somewhere.
Let me get it out, here.
There's a Bakooza Joe cartoon.
[ Laughter ]
Man, Bakooza Joe, you don't have to throw a clock
to see if time flies.
[ Laughter ]
Alright.
[ Laughter ]
Here it is.
[ Clears throat ]
"Daddy, help me.
I never thought I'd win this thing,
and I want out." Wait. No.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That's just something else.
-But first, I'd like to address some of the controversies
I encountered at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela.
I felt like Lemony Snicket,
because I experienced a series of unfortunate events.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, first, I got roped into taking a selfie
with the blond, female Danish prime minister.
Some people said Michelle was angry at me for that.
But I talked to her afterwards, and I can assure you --
she was furious.
-That's very cool, Donald. I think I just -- I have to go.
-Also, I want to be serious for just a moment.
Last week, it was Holocaust Remembrance Day.
And as you know, 6 million people...
were at my inauguration.
I mean, there were just so many people at my inauguration,
but the media refuses to cover it.
It's so unfair.
And one day, I'm going to write a memoir about this struggle,
and call it "My Struggle."
[ Laughter ]
What would that be in German, Angela?
-It's act-- It's "On-gu-la."
-What? -My name is "On-gu-la."
-No, no, don't correct me. I'm in charge now.
Germany sucks. Your wall failed. Prepare to go to war.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪