Narcissistic rage is a term first coined by the author Heinz Kohut all the way back in 1972, used when referring to the tendency of people with narcissistic personality disorder to lead into a tantrum of anger from what seems to others like little to no provocation.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder require constant attention, validation and admiration from those around them, and when this is not provided it can lead to what is called “narcissistic injury”.
It is this phenomenon that essentially leads to what is now informally referred to as narcissistic rage.
Keep watching, as in this video we will go through all of the causes and signs of narcissistic injury and rage, so that you can avoid it in others and recognize it when you encounter it in order to protect yourself.
Narcissistic rage is different to other forms of anger in that it is usually derived from a very small and slight threat to a person’s sense of self.
The reaction is completely disproportionate to the slight.
It is not like your partner getting upset because you forgot it was their birthday —this is more like your partner getting angry because you forgot that red velvet cheesecake was their fourth favorite flavor of cheesecake!
The injury it derives from is essentially the narcissist becoming hurt by the recognition of their own insecurities, namely, that they are not as special as they think they are.
Narcissistic injury comes from one of three things:
Number 1: Challenged confidence.
The general appearance of being confident, special, and entitled are of utmost importance to anyone with NPD.
Due to the excessive demands they place on the people they are in relationships with, they can often feel challenged if these demands for attention and affirmation are not met.
When this happens, the person with the disorder feels attacked, often responding with rage to hide their injury and protect their ego.
Number 2: Injury to esteem.
When the person with NPD’s esteem is injured, this might induce a feeling of shame of failure.
Because they project their own impressiveness to such extremes, even the slightest failure pointed out by someone else can lead to rage, almost always directed back upon the person they perceive as an accuser, sort of like an act of revenge.
Number 3: False sense of self.
This includes a fake sense of identity and of their own abilities.
This often begins in childhood and is affirmed by those around them, but can also stem from a feeling of being unworthy or unloved by those close to them.
This leads to superficial relationships that essentially foster this false sense of self and feed positive feelings to hide the negative ones.
When an intimate partner or perceived close friend expresses any doubts towards the narcissist, whether relating to the relationship or otherwise, the rage often comes to the fore.
Now that we know where the injury comes from, it should be far easier to recognize when anger is warranted and when it is a narcissistic rage.
However, it is important to note that narcissistic rage can present itself in two forms.
Type 1: Explosive narcissistic rage.
This form of rage is the most common and certainly the easiest to recognize.
Explosive narcissistic rage often appears completely unprovoked and presents itself as an outburst where the person in question seems volatile and the victim of the rage is attacked either verbally or physically.
The episode can escalate to extremely violent levels, even murder in some extreme cases, and should be dealt with with extreme caution.
A narcissist experiencing such an episode is highly dangerous and cannot be reasoned with, as the rage itself is not proportional to the crime committed.
It is best to remove yourself from the situation entirely if you recognize an episode of this sort.
Type 2: Passive-aggressive narcissistic rage.
This is perhaps the less dangerous of the two, but also the least easy to recognize, making it often the hardest to deal with in the long term and hardest to diagnose.
It occurs when the person with narcissistic personality disorder punishes the victim by withdrawing all communication.
The person with narcissism will often sulk or retreat until they feel their victim has suffered enough and their message has been received.
They may cut you out of their life entirely as a form of punishment and in order to protect themselves from further discovery of their shame and truth, or punish you long enough until they feel you have got the message, before inviting you back into their lives as if nothing has happened.
This can be extremely difficult to deal with for anyone on the receiving end of such a rage, as the reality of it is often tough to grasp and as such it can go on for long periods of time, with the victim of it questioning whether they are the villain.
To help us in diagnosing outbursts as we have just dealt with, we will now look at the 5 most common scenarios that cause narcissistic rage, and therefore when it is most likely to occur.
Number 1:The narcissist doesn’t get their own way.
This can stem from even the smallest decision.
Narcissists are used to feeling they are the most important person in any given setting and as we know, they have a massively inflated sense of self-worth.
Something as small as not being the one to choose where the group or couple is going for dinner, or being outvoted on what movie to watch can result in the injury we have discussed and the rage that would stem from it.
Number 2: The narcissist is criticized.
This sounds obvious, but it is important to note that this is not just any old harsh critique.
It may be a criticism that is completely justified, or is given in a diplomatic and reasonable way.
No narcissist feels that any criticism, no matter how small, is warranted and as such their reaction is unlikely to be either.
Number 3:The narcissist isn’t treated as the center of attention.
It is worth noting that this could take place at the debut theater performance of a musical that you wrote, directed and starred in!
Regardless of the setting, and whether there are other priorities or not, if someone with NPD is not treated as if the room revolves around them, it can lead to an episode of narcissistic rage.
Number 4:They are caught breaking the rules.
A narcissistic person may take a number of liberties in their day-to-day life, such as lying about their living situation to get a free pass to the gym or cutting in line at the grocery store.
They believe themselves to be above those around them and so acts like these do not seem wrong to them.
However, if they are called out, it can be perceived as a massive slight on their honor.
Especially when they are in the wrong and react in anger in order to cover up their own shame.
Number 5:The narcissist is held accountable for their actions.
Whether this is for cutting in line at the grocery store as mentioned before, for exaggerating their own capabilities, or simply for manipulating and undermining those around them, this is very likely to cause an episode of narcissistic rage.
As we know, someone with NPD lacks empathy, and all acts that draw attention to their own shortcomings will be perceived not as a learning moment, but as a moment where they have to cover up their own failures.
If you see any of these scenarios occurring, or recognize any of the causes of narcissistic rage and injury in any setting, it is important to respond calmly and to remove yourself from the situation.
If you find you have inflicted the injury that leads to the narcissistic rage, there are some things you should keep in mind in order to ensure you handle the situation properly:
Number 1: Stay objective.
It is vital to at least attempt to view the situation from an unbiased perspective.
If you can understand what you have said that has caused the reaction, that will help you to disengage and not be pulled into the conflict.
This is most important, as when you react and are pulled in, that is when it can really spiral out of control and people can get hurt.
Of course, it is tempting to respond or react, but this won’t get you anywhere with someone dealing with narcissistic personality disorder.
Be objective, see the situation for what it is, and move away.
Number 2: Do not attempt to reason with the narcissist.
If you do begin to engage with the injured narcissist, you will most likely be on the receiving end of abuse, which will not be positive for you or for your relationship with the narcissist, whether you want to continue that or not.
It is important to watch our video on how to stop a narcissist if this situation occurs which we’ve linked to in the description below.
Number 3: Walk away.
As simple as it sounds, it is very easy to forget when the situation is at a tipping point.
If the narcissist ignores you, learn to stay away and let them ignore you.
The silent treatment is their way of getting what they want, and eventually, they will either cave and come crawling back, or you will have successfully diffused the situation and will be able to interact with people who have a more positive influence on your life.
Regardless, the silent treatment is far better than them trying to seek revenge.
Number 4: Don’t give in.
It is likely that the narcissist will try to manipulate you.
They might try to get you to act to receive forgiveness from their anger, or to beg and plead for it.
It is important not to give in to these manipulations as this will only encourage more of the same behavior from them going forward, whether aimed at you or at others.
Number 5: Trust and maintain your network.
Triangulation is a commonly poor way of handling conflict and manipulating someone and it is common for a narcissist to try and get others within your network involved in the conflict—the more they feel they are receiving attention the better they feel in general.
Trust that your friends and family will not be susceptible to this, and rather than isolating yourself from them, seek them out.
Be open with your experience and explain the situation to ensure you are not left feeling alone and on the receiving end of a narcissist’s rage.