Planet Earth.
Unfortunately, after seven billion seasons,
it's about to be canceled.
There is a dire warning tonight from climate scientists.
They say one million of the Earth's eight million
plant and animal species are now at eminent risk of extinction.
MAN 2: The United Nations report released today
in Paris identified how humans are causing extinction
at a rate never before seen in human history.
Good Lord.
One million species
are in danger of going extinct.
Like, that's such a crazy...
That's so many deaths, you know?
Even the creators of Game of Thrones would be like,
"Jeez, guys, pump the breaks.
Maybe throw in a sex scene or two. Come on!"
(laughter)
But this news is-is really terrible news.
Unless humans actively cut down on carbon emissions,
overfishing and deforestation,
a massive extinction is inevitable,
which is depressing. It really is.
But if we had to find a silver lining,
I am excited to see a million species
checking off their bucket lists, you know.
Polar bears bungee jumping off the Grand Canyon.
Elephants finally telling their crushes they're in love.
And of course, sea turtles finally gathering the courage
to meet their birth parents.
-Aw. Aw. -(laughter)
"I found you, Papa."
You realize, though, at this rate,
all the animals on Earth are gonna be dead,
and it's only gonna be us humans left, right?
'Cause the human population keeps growing,
animal population keeps dying.
You know what that means. At some point,
we're gonna have to decide which people have to act like animals,
right, 'cause we still need to see animals.
So, like, Seth Rogen, you're a polar bear.
It's done. Yeah.
Miley Cyrus, you're gonna be a lemur. That's it.
And Snoop Dogg, obviously, you are a cat.
(laughter)
Now I know a lot of people would think that you would be a dog
because of your name, but if you pay attention
to a cat's personality, they're all exactly just like Snoop.
Yeah. Every cat seems like it smokes weed
and listens to hip-hop all day.
They've just got that chilled vibe about them.
"You're gonna jump for this treat?"
They're like, "Why don't you drop it like it's hot?
"Drop it like it's hot.
I said meow, mother(bleep). Meow."
(laughter)
Now...
Now, before you start mourning all the animals going extinct,
the good news is,
there are some dead animals that are coming back.
Wendy's is bringing back its spicy chicken nuggets
thanks to Chance the Rapper and Twitter.
The rapper tweeted over the weekend...
Wendy's social media team seized on the opportunity, saying
it would bring them back
if their tweet got two million likes.
It wasn't long before that happened.
Wendy's tweeted Monday morning:
That's right.
Thanks to Chance the Rapper,
Wendy's is bringing back spicy chicken nuggets.
And you know what?
It's great to see a celebrity take on a cause
that's actually attainable for a change, you know?
You've got Bono running around the world trying to end poverty.
Chance the Rapper's just like,
"Hey, let's just bring back the number five.
I like that. I like that."
And as much as I love spicy nuggets,
I do think it's a little weird
that Wendy's is making it like they're doing us the favor.
Yeah? 'Cause they...
'Cause we're still going to buy the nuggets.
You realize that, yes?
Like, they're not giving them to us for free.
But Wendy's are like, "Okay, since you asked for it,
we'll sell you something!"
Like, I-I don't understand why we always have
to beg fast food chains to bring back the foods that we like.
They're always holding the good items hostage, you know?
It's like, "We want the McRib."
"No, you're gonna have the filet of fish, yeah,
and you're gonna to like it."
"Oh, I hope this fish goes extinct."
(laughter)
Here's a crazy idea, actually. I say this.
Fast food chains, why don't you just keep the food that we like?
Yeah? Why not? I know. It's a crazy idea.
I know, I know, but we're the customers,
so you should just let us choose, all right?
We just choose which foods you keep, except for Burger King.
I mean, that's a monarchy, so they make their own rules. Yes.
And, of course, congratulations, Your Majesty, on the royal baby.
Well done. Well done.
And finally, in headlines,
in the international world of sports, a major controversy
is swirling around South African runner Caster Semenya.
A two-time Olympic champion will now be forced
to medicate to suppress her testosterone levels
if she wants to compete in certain events.
South African Caster Semenya lost her appeal today
against rules from track's governing body, designed
to decrease naturally-high testosterone levels
in some female runners.
A panel of judges said the rules are discriminatory,
but necessary to preserve the integrity
of female athletics.
Okay, as a South African, I might be biased,
uh, but this is some bullshit, okay?
No. I mean, how is the IAAF going to force a woman
to chemically alter her natural hormones
because they say she's too good?
It's not like she's doping.
She didn't change her body in any way to gain advantage.
She just has a natural advantage,
which is what happens in all sports.
People are like, "Yeah, but she's hyper-androgynous,
and that's not fair."
Yeah, but she didn't plan that. That's who she is.
The best athletes-- if you think about it--
every single... every single one of the best athletes--
they're often a people who have a unique genetic advantage
that gives them an edge, right?
Michael Phelps has a body
that produces half as much lactic acid
as most people, which gives him longer endurance.
And when he was tested, sporting officials said
he was lucky that his body works that way.
That's literally what they said, yeah.
They didn't say like,
"You got to change yourself, Michael Phelps.
You got to get tired before the race."
(laughter)
Every elite athlete has some special advantage.
Like, if Tonya Harding wasn't born in a trailer park,
she wouldn't have known that hit man, hmm?
Every athlete has an advantage.
Shaq is so tall, he can put a ball in a hoop without jumping.
-How is that fair? Huh? -(laughter)
How is that fair?
Forget basketball-- he could be the world's best NHL goalie
-just by sitting there. -(laughter)
Like, by this logic, Shaq should just have, like,
he should inject himself with Kevin Hart
to shrink himself down.
Yeah. 'Cause it's not fair.
You're too big, Shaq. He should be like,
(deep voice): "Okay, I'm gonna take this big injection
(voice's pitch rising): to make myself into a smarter,
♪ Mm, ah, everybody, mm, ah, new player ♪
♪ Can't dunk, gotta pass the ball to that guy ♪
♪ New player, mm, ah, that's right, baby. ♪