- Do vegan women swallow?
(audience laughs)
(mind blown sound)
(upbeat music)
- Food brings people together.
(audience cheers)
That's right.
Unless you're vegan.
In which case, you can leave right now.
I don't give a shit. I really don't.
I don't care if I offend you
and your salad, you can leave.
Bye.
(audience laughs)
And the only reason why I'm so "ugh" on the vegans
is because I once was vegan.
I know some of you are like, "No."
Yeah. (audience laughing)
I was vegan for a little under a year.
Now, I know some of you're probably thinking,
"Oh, that's not even, you weren't even vegan then
if it was less than a year."
But think about it.
Anyone who has ever gone on a diet knows just how hard it is
to change your eating habits for one week,
much less a year.
And they told me, they said, "You're gonna lose weight."
And they were not lying.
- I lost weight, patience, and friends.
(audience laughs)
- We eat gluten-free,
which means we eat all that bread
that tastes like free-range Chewbacca.
(audience laughs)
We eat that lesbian bread
that's like, a thousand percent of your daily fiber
and 20% spoken word poetry.
(audience laughs)
When you eat it, you queef a shitty poem
about supporting Caitlyn Jenner or whatever.
(audience laughing)
- So, I'm sending these things out
and on the back of the invite,
my wife is like, "You have to put your email address
on the back of the invite
so my friends can email in their dietary requirements."
White people dietary requirements.
(audience laughs)
Holy fuck.
Yo, there's no dietary requirements. Okay?
Chinese weddings in Malaysia,
there's no dietary requirements.
Chinese weddings in Malaysia, everyone shows up.
We eat, some people die, and then we go home.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Makes the race stronger!
(audience laughs)
We're not customizing meals for weak genes.
Thousands of years of Chinese weddings.
People show up and die. No one complains.
No one's ever written a "bad Yelp review"
because they died at a Chinese wedding.
Oh, what a tragedy.
We collectively accept that as a possibility.
Okay? Because life is risky.
I was expecting the usual,
reasonable dietary requirements, right?
Gluten allergy, vegan, shellfish allergy, peanut allergy,
keeping it reasonable.
Oh my God, the shit we got back.
(audience laughs)
Spreadsheets of genetic failures.
(audience laughs and applauds)
One after the other, each more pathetic than the last.
(audience laughs)
"Excuse me, Ronnie, excuse me.
Excuse me. I can't eat figs." (panting)
"Excuse me, Ronnie. I can't eat red pepper.
The green, green pepper is fine,
but red pepper makes my mouth red."
"Excuse me, Ronnie.
I can't eat fried garlic.
Does this have fried garlic?
I have to pick the fried garlic out of the bok choy."
"Excuse me, Ronnie. I can't eat lettuce."
(audience laughs)
"If the San Choy Bow is wrapped in lettuce,
I can't eat it."
From the same person.
(audience laughs)
- I'd rather talk about my abortion than hear about
your gluten allergy.
(audience laughs)
(audience cheers and claps)
Anytime I'm at dinner with someone when they're like,
"I can't have the roll because of the gluten,"
I'm like, "So, I walked into the office."
And that's just the part about how I got pregnant.
(chuckles)
(audience laughs)
- Where the fat vegans at?
Any fat vegans in here tonight?
(audience laughing)
Them are some lyin' motherfuckers,
them fuckin' fat vegans.
"I don't eat that. I don't eat that.
I don't- Uh uh, uh uh."
"Have you read what's in that?
I don't eat that. I don't eat-"
You eating something, motherfucker.
(audience laughs)
- What I eat is, that's the main problem.
I eat like a child.
I eat-
I mean, it's not good.
He goes, "Let's go through, like, what you had
for breakfast or your whole day of eating."
He goes, "Let's go through yesterday."
And in my head, I'm like,
"Well, yesterday's not a good day."
You know. (audience laughs)
Let's pick another day. Uh.
(audience laughing)
He goes, "Go through yesterday."
I go, "All right.
I had donuts in the morning."
And he goes, "All right.
Was it like, they were just out or something?"
I go, "No, I drove. I drove to it."
(audience laughing)
"I drove to it."
And he is like, "Is it on your way?"
I go, "Nope. I was late
to where I was going because of it."
He goes, "What about late night snacking?"
And I was like, "Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night."
He goes, "Did you watch a movie?"
I go, "No, just regular TV."
(audience laughs)
And he told me, he's like, "The little kid bag?"
I go, "No, it was a, it was a bag.
It was a bag of 'em."
(audience laughing)
If you saw it without a label
and someone said, "Hand me that bag,"
they wouldn't be confused on what you were asking.
(audience laughing)
I always have trouble going to sleep.
And I swear, every doctor,
it's like, I eat Sour Patch kids and have soda.
And I'm like, "What's going on man?
I can't, dude, at night,
my brain just doesn't stop."
And you're like, "Yeah, dude.
You can't eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.
Maybe that's a problem."
(audience laughs)
- Batman is, Batman can go fuck himself.
(audience laughing)
That guy, his, he's nine years old,
his parents are gunned down in front of him
and he travels the world,
becoming this superpowered ninja, fighting-
What the-?
At best, at best, Bruce Wayne would've grown up
to be Gotham City's most annoying slam poet.
(audience laughs)
That is the best he would've become.
(audience applauds)
That's the best-
He would've been one of-
And he would've been like one of those trust fund,
he would've been like, he would've been a fat vegan.
I know that.
He would've been a fat vegan.
You ever see a fat vegan?
You're like, "Hey, I thought you said you were vegan."
"You know, Oreos don't have any animal-"
All right, fuck you.
- So, I began this health journey
and I became a person I didn't even recognize.
All of a sudden, I was going to Whole Foods
for like four hours and $500 later,
I had meals for two days.
(audience laughs)
I was eating like the alternative, healthier versions
of things like spaghetti squash,
just eating it all resentful.
Just like, "You ain't sketti!"
(audience laughs)
It took me forever to order at restaurants
'cause you have to know how everything's prepared.
Even my voice changed.
I was like, "How do guys prepare your vegetables?
You guys use butter or olive oil?
Do you have any ghee?
It's butter without dairy."
They're like, "Ma'am, this is Hooters."
(audience laughs and applauds)
But it worked.
I, I stuck to it and I'm now down 40 pounds.
(audience cheers and claps)
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Can you guys believe it?
The belly slap worked.
Doctors can just smack the fat outta ya.
(audience cheers and applauds)
But I felt good.
I'm like, you know what?
I'm not that chubby little kid running
through the pool anymore.
I finally pulled it together.
So, I called my dad.
I'm like, "Dad, you're never gonna believe this.
I am currently gluten-free."
And my dad goes, "Gluten-free?
Pussy, I understood that.
But gluten-free?"
(audience cheers and applauds)
- [Audience Member] Woo!
- "Girl, you're from the South.
You better eat a god derned biscuit!"
(audience cheers and applauds)
- But you guys are fun.
You know, a lot of crowds are very sensitive now.
People are getting sensitive.
My buddy's a vegan.
Holy shit.
(audience laughs)
I'm walking on eggshells around him.
He really hates that.
(audience laughs)
He's a great guy. I love him to death.
But going out to eat with him's a nightmare.
Every time we go out to eat,
he's gonna have the "Impossible Burger".
Know about this thing?
Looks like meat, tastes like meat,
feels like meat, but it's not meat.
Weird. You hate something,
but you want something just like it.
Oh.
It's kinda like a lesbian with a strap on, right?
(audience laughs)
You hate dick, but it looks like a dick,
feels like a dick.
I can't believe it's not dick.
(audience laughs)
It's beyond dick.
- Eighties weren't perfect,
but I'll tell you what they didn't have.
There were no safe spaces.
(makes fart sound)
(audience laughs)
There were no trigger warnings.
And there were no fuckin' peanut allergies.
(audience cheers and claps)
Well, why?
Because for thousands of years,
the only people who could have children
were ones who could hunt for food,
build shelter, and fight saber tooth tigers.
(audience laughs)
Now, there are people having kids who can't eat wheat.
(audience cheers and applauds)
"Oh, but Christina, it's an allergy. You don't know."
Well, I do know.
I ain't fuckin' a guy that's scared of toast.
(audience cheers and claps)
- I went on vacation with my family.
We went to Lake Tahoe for Christmas break.
It was great.
We had a great time.
It was beautiful. It snowed.
We had a white Christmas.
And one morning my wife said,
"Why don't we go out for breakfast today?"
I said, "You know what?
It's a great idea. Let's go out."
We put the kids in the car and she navigated, I drove.
So, now, she's Yelping.
She's trying to find a restaurant
that will satisfy our requirements,
which is not that easy
because we have dietary restrictions between us.
She's lactose intolerant.
She can't have gluten.
She's one of those people, messes up her stomach.
You know, she's, she's got her thing.
And me, I've got life-threatening food allergies.
So that's, that's pretty nice.
So, if I eat a peanut, I die.
(audience laughs)
So that's, I can't see any good use for that.
I've never really seen a benefit
that comes from that allergy, you know?
Unless, I don't know, if I were depressed,
if I had a really rough stretch.
I don't- (audience laughs)
need a gun or a bridge or, you know what I mean?
I could just go to a 7-Eleven, really,
just pop in there and just grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.
I'm not paying for it 'cause I'm gonna kill myself.
(audience laughs)
So, just grab the peanut butter,
ram it in my mouth,
and just, dead, right in front of the guy at the register.
I'm sure he'd be like,
"What the hell was that about? This guy-?"
(audience laughs)
But I wouldn't do that.
I'm not gonna do that.
'Cause if you think about it,
that's kind of the grossest form of littering,
in a sense. (audience laughs)
So.
So, anyway, between the two of us,
we're just the worst table you're ever gonna wait on.
You know, it's just- (audience laughs)
She finds us this place,
we find this kind of health food place.
We go, we park, we come inside.
It's totally packed.
So, this is a good sign,
I guess this is a popular restaurant.
There's a table way over on the other side over here.
We get the table.
Now, you gotta go up to the register and order your food.
And then they give you like a little metal stand,
you know, and your number.
And they'll bring you the food.
So we, we order,
we both get eggs and toast, some stuff for the kids.
And then we're sitting there waiting for our food.
Story picks up, I promise, so.
(audience laughs)
So, they bring our food out, I get all my stuff.
She doesn't get her toast.
See, I got the regular toast and the eggs.
But she got the gluten-free toast,
which comes like one piece at a time.
It's got like rocks and feathers in it.
(audience laughs)
It's a special sort of dust and clay.
I, I don't, whatever this thing is.
Looks like a regular piece of toast from a distance.
You get closer and it just looks
like a kid kind of pieced it together.
But she didn't get her toast.
So, her eggs are getting cold
and she's kind of getting pissed off.
So she's looking, the manager comes over, says,
"Is everything okay?"
She said, "I ordered the gluten-free toast,
you know, and I haven't gotten it.
My eggs are getting cold."
He's like, "Okay."
Now, here's what this story picks up.
He goes, "Brian," and he calls over.
We look across the room and standing next
to the kitchen door is Brian,
this very Olympic-looking busboy with just, big shoulders,
a beard, a tiny apron, just a big guy.
Kind of a lumberjack, snowboarder hybrid.
(audience laughing)
Just looks like a superhero or something.
But he's got this ridiculous little apron.
So, he already looks funny to me.
I'm like, I'm interested.
There's something here, you know.
"Brian, gluten-free toast."
The guy just nods, disappears into the kitchen.
So, now we're eating and a few minutes later,
I see my wife make a face I've never seen her make before.
So, I look where she's looking and there's Brian.
He's come out of the kitchen
with my wife's piece of toast in his hand.
(audience laughs)
He's just making his way through the crowded restaurant,
just holding the one piece of toast, coming.
And now, I've never had this experience before.
Seeing a grown man carry a piece of toast bareback
through a restaurant, (laughs)
just kinda in his hand. (audience laughing)
I don't know why.
My whole life, I've just never seen this move.
You know what I mean?
But he's got the toast.
He gets to our table.
He doesn't say anything,
he just holds out the toast.
And my wife just takes it in her hand.
She's like, "Thank you."
And she puts it on the plate.
He walks away.
We both burst out laughing.
We're just like-
I'm immediately taken out of my life.
This is incredible.
I've transcended regular experience
and he's transported me by the simple act
of carrying the toast like that.
I'm now wondering, "Who's Brian? What's his story?
I wanna know about him.
Tell me everything about this guy.
What just happened?"
So now, I start immediately theorizing
and saying to my wife, "I think it's probably one
of two things that we just witnessed.
Number one, he's being a dick.
He's in a bad mood, he's having a bad day.
And that was it.
Something just broke.
You know what I mean?
Maybe the manager's his uncle or something.
He wasn't supposed to work today.
Called him in last minute
and now he doesn't even want to be here.
And your gluten-free toast was the last straw for Brian.
He was like, 'Goddamn toast.
Here's your stupid toast, lady.'
If your mouth were open, he probably
would've shoved it right into your mouth.
He's in a bad mood and he's lashing out.
We're caught in the crossfire here."
And I was like, "Or two, he's not being a dick.
I'm judging him too harshly.
Maybe he's totally nice.
He's a good person.
He's just dumb.
He's not a smart guy.
And he was just like, 'Toast, toast, toast.
Gotta remember, gluten-free toast.
Give the lady her toast.
Gotta get the toast, toast, toast.
Remember the toast. Here's the toast.'
And just trying to remember that one thing.
'Toast, toast, toast.'
And there he is. You see, he's back in his position.
'More toast. What's next?
Tell me. Tell Brian. I'm Brian. Toast.'"
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Either way,
I don't think it's a good situation
that we've gotten ourselves into here.
You know?"
And then, she wasn't going to eat the toast.
And then, I started to get philosophical.
'Cause I was like, "Well, hold on, just think about it.
Okay, so he touched your toast.
But think, when the toast pops up, you know,
they touch the toast, put it on a plate,
and then bring it to you on a plate.
Is there that big a difference between going like that
with the toast and going like this
and just carrying it for an extra 80 seconds
and putting it on your plate?"
I'm like, "No, it doesn't really matter."
I was like, "Your toast has been touched.
I mean, he touched it in the kitchen.
It's not like they're catching it
on sterile plates in kitchens.
'Can't touch toast.'"
I was like, "They touched your toast.
He touched it. He wiped his head with it.
They passed it around the kitchen."
(audience laughing)
"It is just like, that's backstage."
And I went on this whole thing about the theater
of restaurants and how we're out in the house
and that's backstage.
In the middle of my speech,
I guess we're making kind of a commotion,
the manager comes over and he goes
to my wife, "Is everything okay?"
And she goes, "Uh-"
and before she could say anything, he goes,
"Did Brian carry the toast over in his hand?"
(audience laughs and applauds)
"This has happened before."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)