the following video is an excerpt from my course building rapport
going beyond small talk with advanced communication skills.
If you like what you see in this video and you want to see the
bits that I've cut out and the rest of the course, check out
the link below. Let's talk about the art of persuasion. Where to
ethically influence people with your words, I want to put it in
your mind that honesty and rapport is all that's needed to
influence people in a helpful way. Manipulation is a word that
we'll use for when you're trying to influence a person in your
primary intention is changing their behavior, or the outcome
in your favor, even if it hurts them. And manipulation is not
what we're talking about today, in this video, this video is
about influence, which is guiding someone towards behavior
that's best for them. So ethical persuasion is about influencing
someone to make a choice that's best for them, not you. But
ideally, it's a win win scenario, you both come out as
better people as a result of the behavior change. And then so
make it that your primary intention is to be honest, and
to maintain a healthy connection with the other person, rather
than to get an instant win for yourself right here. And now.
You're trying to stay aware of what's best for them from their
perspective, and help them step into that. And help them live up
to their own integrity. So of course, you need to begin by
asking yourself, what is best for this person? Except you
don't ask yourself, you ask them. Isn't it amazing how often
somebody trying to sell you something doesn't ask you what's
best for you. They try to tell you what's best for you. And if
they could only ask you would actually be much more likely to
buy. So literally, you say to a person, tell me what you think
is best for you in the situation. Tell me what you
want. Tell me what the best outcome would be from your
perspective. And start with that, rather than starting with
your own, that you probably usually keep hidden from them.
Now, of course, you can challenge their answer if you
don't believe it. Or you think they're deluded about what's in
their best interest, but you don't challenge their answer
just because you don't prefer it. Or just because you have
another outcome that you would rather get. And they're kind of
getting in your way of achieving the goal. You only challenge
them if you think they're harming themselves. Now, once
you're in this healthy mental mind space, where you're really
looking out with what's best for them, even if you're a
salesperson selling something to a customer, you're still
thinking what's best for this customer, rather than what's
best for my bank account, or what's best for this person on a
date with rather than what's best for getting me what I need
in a relationship to you to a place where you're really
thinking about what's best for them and looking for a win win
scenario where both of you kind of get something great out of
this. Now we can talk about practical techniques. To keep it
simple. You want to think about the what the why, and the how
this is the most basic premise I bring to my confidence and
integrity coaching with my clients. What is it that they
really want? Why do they want that? And how are they going to
achieve it? Getting the answers to those three questions can
often be enough to move someone powerfully. Often the reason a
person isn't moving in the right direction is because they have
not answered those three questions. They don't know what
it is they really want or they don't know what the problem
really is. They don't know why it's happening or why they want
what they want. And quite often, of course, they don't know how
to move. That's because they haven't answered the what and
why questions. Once you've answered those, the Howl is
usually pretty straightforward. The key is understanding it must
come from them. If you tell them what they want, if you tell them
why they should want it, if you tell them how to do it, you're
gonna get a lot of resistance, if they tell you, and it might
be the same exact thing that you were gonna say they're much more
likely to act on it. It's just a psychological concept that's
common to all humans. When we come up with the idea, we're
much more enthusiastic than when it's forced down our throat. You
know this because you're like this too. So when you do get
resistance, use a technique I call rolling with resistance.
Actually, that's not my term. It's a whole thing from
motivational interviewing techniques, by Rolnick and
Miller. Now rolling with resistance is about simply
acknowledging objections when they come up and not fighting
against them, also not agreeing with them. So you don't need to
disprove the thing they've said and push back against it. But
you also don't need to condone what they're saying and agree
with them. Instead, you just acknowledge. So if someone says
something like, I can't afford it, you say, Yeah, sounds like
you're struggling with money at the moment. So I'm acknowledging
the obstacle. But I'm not saying that that's a good excuse to not
buy something. And I'm not saying that no, you're fine with
money. I'm not disagreeing with you or agreeing with you. I'm
just hearing what you see it. See if I don't care about
getting outcomes for myself and I'm just interested in your well
being, then why would I come up against resistance, why would I
fight you? I want to work with you, not against you. So rather
than resisting the resistance, which of course only create more
resistance, explore with them how they're going to deal with
the resistance. So when someone says, I can't afford it, yeah,
some, well, what are you going to do about it, we will get the
money, get them to solve the resistance, you don't have to do
anything with their objections as their objections, it's their
responsibility. That being said, the general frame I like to have
underneath is that all resistance is ultimately a
fiction. That it's an illusion that we can't do something. It's
only a matter of whether or not you're willing to do what it
takes. So when someone says I can't, I assume that they've
tricked themselves into believing that they're less
capable than they are. And I bring that frame. That's kind of
like, sure you can, you just got to figure out how I don't
actually resist against the idea that they can't, I just don't
agree with it. Act as if they're going to solve it like it's an
easy solve. And when someone says, I don't want it, that's
different. And we'll talk about that in a minute. Be concise, in
sincere, don't overshare to try and convince them and sell them
on the idea. And sort of pile it on and smother them with
information. You just state it like a news article headline,
here are the facts, here's what I believe. Here's what I think
is right for you based on what I know about you. And then go
silent, let them decide for themselves, let them fill in the
gaps. Let them ask questions with them resist. You don't say
more than as needed to get your idea across, you don't add the
convincing factor, you really have a frame that the truth will
out. So if you just give them the truth, eventually they will
make the right decision for themselves. You don't need to
push for anything in particular. Ironically, when you don't push
when you take that pressure off, people are much more inclined to
agree with you and go with what you're saying, and follow your
influence. Because they won't suspect you they won't have that
mistrust that comes when we feel someone is trying to make us do
something. So it's best to speak as if what you're saying is the
ultimate truth that there's nothing more believable, or that
what you're saying is in high demand and is very popular. So
if you imagine you're saying something that everyone agrees
with, and you don't need to convince anyone, because it's
just the truth, imagine the kind of attitude you would bring to
it. So rather than saying like you should buy this product,
because it's really good. It is a it's products available, I
think it's right for you. Like I don't care if you buy it or not.
Now, of course, this particular video is just about sales. But
when we're talking about influencing people, we really
are talking about selling as a concept. You know, we're selling
ideas or selling feelings with selling suggestions on how you
should behave, as well as selling stuff for money. So the
concepts are really the same. But a confident person doesn't
push a sale. They just present the offer, as shamelessly and
boldly as possible. And they let the other person choose for
themselves. So no apologies, no sugarcoating, no justifying no
hesitation, none of those warning signs that what you're
doing is something you don't really believe in, and that
you've got a hidden agenda, or any of that kind of stuff. And
the best way to apply these techniques is to not have a
hidden agenda, and to not be trying to get an outcome, and to
not be selling something you don't believe in. If you come
from a place of integrity, you don't even need to worry about
tactics. Of course, if you're wrong, then change your mind.
But until evidence is presented that genuinely changes your mind
that makes you think this isn't what's best for the other
person. As long as you think it is go hard on it. All right, the
most convincing thing that influences another person is
when you believe in it. When you believe in yourself when you
believe in your ideas when you're convinced when you're
clearly not lying about how important and valuable this
thing is, in your opinion. Now, when you combine that kind of
self conviction, with evidence that you're also humble that you
will change your mind if better evidence comes along that you
will back off if someone says no, then you become very, very
convincing as a person because why would anyone doubt someone
like that? Take your time, rushing creates resistance and
rushing always comes from a needy place. It comes from a
place of trying to get an outcome trying to convince
somebody trying to go from where you are to somewhere else.
If you just stay here and now just enjoy the conversation,
just an exploratory curious conversation where you present
the truth and see how they react to it. As opposed to trying to
get them somewhere in the future. They're actually going
to relax and be more likely to be agreeable. Most people when
you push against them, they push back and this is why most
salespeople people attempting to influence others have very low
conversion rates. Because most of the time they create
resistance from other people. When you want to influence
someone who's clearly acting in a way that harms them. My most
recommended approach is the so credit Like inquiry, which is
basically being very, very naive about everything as if you don't
understand or know anything at all. So no matter what someone
says, You question every word, every definition, every
intention. Someone says like, well, I'm going on this Tinder
day, because I just really want a girlfriend. So why would you
want to go for it? As if you've never heard of that before? So
why is this the way to do it? Why are you so sure? It's a good
idea? What evidence do you have to back up this idea? And you're
not really challenging them? It's more like you're someone
who doesn't understand anything, and you just want to understand,
instead of coming in with your ideas, like you shouldn't do
this, and you should do that. You just go, why would anyone do
this? Why do you even believe that? What does that word mean?
You find it the person has to unpack their own beliefs. And
they'll start to see like, Hey, I'm doing something that doesn't
have good reasons or good results for me, what am I doing?
Why am I doing this, and it's far more powerful for them to
arrive at their destination, then for you to try and drag
them there. Now, of course, it's impossible to do this without
having your own intentions for yourself self serving goals. But
if you're very open about this, it neutralizes any of the kind
of pressure or doubt or mistrust. And then, so if you're
quite open about how this benefits you and why you might
want them to behave in a certain way, if your own preferences and
benefits, and you're humble about how that might not also be
what's best for them, and you're okay with that, then they're
much more likely to relax and take you seriously and believe
that you are on their side. So if I say, look, if I sell you
this thing, I do get a nice, tasty commission. And that's, of
course, influencing me in this conversation. But I also want
what's best for you. So you tell me if this is the right thing
for you. Because if it's not, we'll talk about something else.
In this way. It's all out in the open, I'm not pretending I'm
have an agenda that I don't have. I'm not pretending that I
care more about you than I do about myself if that's not true.
But I'm giving you the best possible chance to protect
yourself from anything that might not be best for you. And
this is good for our long term connection, our long term
report, I might not convince you on this idea, by a will convince
you that I'm a person you can trust. And that's good for our
long term relationship. Even if we're talking about financial
sales, it's better to have a client who thinks you're really
trustworthy, even if they don't buy from you today, than to have
someone who feels pressured into a sale and never buys from you
again, because they don't like you. I want to reiterate, this
does not mean being apologetic and shameful about what you
believe in. So if your idea or suggestion or whatever it is,
you're selling something you really do think is best for
them, then say it like that, say, look, I really do think
this is best for you, even though I benefit from it as
well. Or even though I prefer you acted this way. I also
believe I can't think of a better way for you to be for
your sake. Right? So you can say it like that, if that's true
respect and no. You know, there's maybes there's
objections, there's I'm unsure. And then there is a no, and a no
is a full stop. If you ever push past a no, you will damage your
connection with a person possibly permanently. Any kind
of consent we're talking about here should never be breached.
So always consider the long term relationship with someone over
the short term when if they say a hard, no, they're clearly
uncomfortable. They don't want to go any further with us back
off, even if you feel the agitation. And so as you're
like, No, come on, we just need to talk about this. But more No,
you're done. This is the life not yours. Leave them alone, if
they really don't want this, someone says I can't do it, and
they bring out false barriers that they could actually
overcome. Ensure you challenge that, that someone says I don't
want to say okay, your life dude was the last time I'll bring it
up. You win in the long term with this way. Because you bring
up trust and respect, this person knows that they can say
no to you safely, and you won't hold it against something like
punish them. You won't breach that line of consent. And
there'll be a lot more agreeable with you in the future. Also,
you can look for the instead when you get a no. So someone
says no to idea one, we go okay, well, what about idea two
instead? That I don't want to buy your coaching. Okay, well,
how about a course it's a little more affordable. I don't want to
go on a date with you. Okay, well, we can hang out as friends
if you'd prefer. So give them another option. But don't push
past the No, it should be a different option and not just a
varied version of the first thing you wanted. Overall, just
be honest, even when it hurts them or upsets them or causes a
rejection. Because in the long run, this makes you more
believable and makes you more convincing, more influential,
and more likely to be heated more likely to be respected. So
think long term big picture what's best for everyone what
aligns with my integrity, rather than how do I get this instant
gratification right now? Thanks for watching. If you like what
you hear and you want to get better at this stuff, get in
touch dan@brojo.org dot org. We'll talk about Coaching