Maybe you'll agree with some findings by Dr. John Gottman,
who is an eminent researcher when it comes to relationships.
As matter of fact, we all see him as the guru. This guy does
amazing research and finds some things that we all need to know
about relationships. Now, one of the things he talks about in his
book called The Marriage Clinic is he summarizes a bunch of
different studies by different people looking into the
motivations as to why people divorce. And as he's summarizing
these, that's called a literature review, as he's
summarizing these, he said, we must conclude that most people
want out of a marriage either because they don't feel loved,
or don't feel liked, or don't feel respected. You think that
sounds right? Well, and I work with 1000s and 1000s of couples,
we can tell you that whenever we bring that up to a couple as
having some kind of difficulties, both of them say
yes, that's definitely right. It's going to be one, two, or
all three of those reasons. Well, let's talk about that
third one for a moment. What is respect? Well, in relationships,
respect means that we are equals; that neither one of us
is the parent with the other one being the child, that we both
have talents, we both have abilities. And while they may be
different and unique, that we blend together as a partnership,
as a team. And there's not one of us that's driving the other,
commanding the other, dominating the other, but that we see each
other as each being valuable, as being lovely, as being lovable,
and we treat each other that way.
Now, we could probably go on and get some textbook definitions,
if you will. But I think that pretty well sums up what it is
that if we treat each other that way, each of us feels heard,
each of us feels lovely and lovable, and each one of us
feels like that partnership I referred to a moment ago. Way
back in the 1980s, a fella by the name of Norton did some
research and came up with a thing called the Norton Quality
of Marriage Index. And it measured exactly what that says
the quality of a marriage. And one of the things it measured
was how much a couple, like a husband and wife, saw each other
as a team; not I, but we. And the more they think in terms of
we, the better the relationship is and quality. Then, Dr. Mike
Johnson at Penn State University a few years ago did some work on
what leads one to be committed to another and under what he
calls the want to. Why I want to be with you is when I see us as
being a team. When I think in terms of we, not I, he calls
that relational identity. In other words, we want to be
around people where we feel valued, where we feel seen like
I matter, where we feel heard, that my opinion, my ideas, my
emotions, all of these things are important to you, just as
yours are to me. And that we operate through this together,
not always agreeing, but always finding a way to unite to retain
emotional connection with each other, which will not occur if
one of us is treating the other person disrespectfully. It just
won't occur then. And so, if you are always telling me how to
think, how to feel, what to do, what to believe, and enforcing
that, in other words, you keep arguing until I give in, or you
find some way to punish me if I don't give in. Maybe give me the
cold shoulder, or maybe withhold sex from me, or whatever it
might be that you can do to punish me until I do it your
way. I'm going to feel disrespected.
The kind of language you use to me, if you're being critical to
me, I'm not talking about you can't complain about what you
don't like. But complaint focuses on behavior, while
criticism puts the other person down like there's something
wrong with you or treating the other person with contempt. You
see, the way we say it, the words we say, the body language,
the tone of voice, even the way we look at another person can
all communicate I see you as an equal, or I see you is inferior.
And when you treat me as if I'm inferior, I feel disrespected.
And do I want to stay in that relationship? The answer is no.
Nobody wants to stay in that unless they have some kind of a
psychological thing going on where they want to be abused or
to be mistreated. But those people are already miserable to
begin with.
The rest of us are saying, I need you to treat me the way I
need to be treated. And so, people say, well, Dr. Beam, then
can I demand respect? Yes, if you do it respectfully. You see,
if you yell and scream at the other person that he or she
should treat you with respect, you're treating them with
disrespect. So don't expect them to understand what you're saying
about how you need to be treated. But if you can calmly
let the other person know, you know, I do have a mind. I do
have a heart. I do make my own decisions about life, and while
we may not see things together, I want to be with you; I want
you to be with me but no longer tell me how to think, how to
feel, what to act, what to believe because that's just not
right. Now, if you do that respectfully, the other person
may hear you. On the other hand, the other person may not hear
you. But if they don't, then you continue to treat them with
respect, but without letting them treat you like a doormat.
And you don't have to yell and scream and fight and run away to
do that. You can be as calm as you can be. As a matter of fact,
the people in the greatest areas of strength are the people who
are the least likely to tell you about it. They're calm, they're
relaxed, they don't have to yell and scream, they don't have to
threaten, they can just look at you and say, no, no, I won't
accept that; I won't let that happen.
And if you want to yell and scream, they'll just let you do
that, but they won't involve themselves in that because they
won't lower themselves that way. And so, I'm asking you to do the
same. If your spouse is treating you disrespectfully, don't react
the same way they act. Be calm and let them see that you value
them but that you also value you. Now, you can do that. You
may need some help, particularly if you've been treated
disrespectfully for a long period of time, because you may
have fallen into some habits that are now not beneficial to
you or their relationship. We would love to help you, and we
believe we can. Now, if you can handle it on your own,
wonderful, do so. Then you don't need us. But if you don't have
the strength or the knowledge about how, you just need
somebody to be on your side; we want to be on your side. You can
contact us at marriagehelper.com. And you can
also call us on our toll-free number, 866-903-0990. Ask to
speak to one of our client representatives. Now they're not
coaches, they're not counselors, they're not therapists, but
they'll listen. They'll listen to what's going on with your
marriage. They'll listen to how you feel; what's happening. And
then, based on that, they can guide you to which of our
resources can be the best for you. We have several that are
free. For example, we have one called the Fall Back In Love
With Me, How To Get My Spouse To Fall Back In Love With Me ebook.
And if you want that, there's a link on your screen right now
you can click. If you're listening by audio, it'll be in
the show notes; you can click that. We have other things that
you can do on your own, like our Art Of Attraction Toolkit. And
you can see that with the link on the screen or in the show
notes. Or you can find out about our intensive three-day workshop
where that we can get both of you to come into a room with us
and several other couples. And for three days, either in person
or online in a room, we can help both of you understand what
respect means, how to stop being disrespectful, and how to learn
how to put respect in your marriage. Now, if you could do
it on your own, please do. Stand up for yourself. Just don't be
mean and disrespectful when you do it. But like so many of us,
if you need help and looking for a friend, we want to be that
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