-Donald Trump is so desperate for cash
as he drowns in legal bills that he's now selling Bibles,
while he simultaneously gets hit with a gag order
in his criminal case for paying hush money to a porn star.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Donald Trump is set to become the first ex-president
to face a criminal trial
in less than three weeks,
so he's obviously very busy.
So busy, in fact,
that he apparently has no time for things
like proofreading or spellcheck.
-In a post on Truth Social, Trump wrote,
quote, "I'm not running to terminate the ACA
as crooked Joe Buden disinformates
and misinformates all the time.
In other words,
make the ACA much, much better for far less money or cost
to our grest American citizens.
MAGA2024."
-Damn, did he post that while he was on a trampoline?
"You sure you wanna --
don't want to get down to type, sir?"
-"No, the bouncing helps me think!"
Yes, he wrote "Buden" and "grest."
And if you think either of those are right,
"grest" again.
How do you get the current president's name wrong
when you're running against him?
There are places where if you get that answer wrong,
you spend the rest of the night strapped to a gurney.
Also, what the hell is
"disinformates and misinformates"?
Is that what you call your friends?
[As Trump] These are my mates,
Disinformates and Misinformates.
One of them likes when you bust his balls,
and the other one will throw you out a [bleep] window.
[Normal voice] And by the way, that post is still up as of this taping,
which means he either doesn't know, doesn't care,
or knows his supporters don't care.
And on that point, he's definitely right.
Imagine if that was a Trump supporter's breaking point.
"Dave, why are you burning your MAGA hat?"
"Because the man can't spell, Deborah!"
[ Laughter ]
"You can't make America great if you can't even spell great!"
That's definitely how he'd do it.
A solitary match.
[ Laughter ]
Just a solitary...
That is way too nice a sweater and beard!
[ Laughter ]
It would make sense, though,
if Trump thought grest was a combination
of greatest and best.
Can't wait to see that at his rallies.
Also, let me just say "Joe Buden" would be
a good nickname for Biden
if he decided to start smoking weed to appeal to young voters.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[As Biden] I just got some tasty bud from my dealer.
No joke. No joke.
You guys mind if I fire up a fat spliff?
The chronic is dank.
I'm not kidding around.
It's giving me the munchies.
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] So, Trump is wasting precious time
on typo-riddled social media rants,
despite the fact that he's about to become
the first ex-president to face a criminal trial.
And now he's also the first ex-president
to be placed under a gag order in a criminal trial.
-A New York judge overseeing Donald Trump's
upcoming hush money criminal trial
has hit the former president with a gag order.
-Donald Trump is, as of about an hour ago,
now under a gag order in the criminal case
brought by the Manhattan D.A.
alleging a cover-up of hush money payments.
New York Judge Juan Merchan barring Trump from attacking
or directing others to attack potential witnesses,
jurors, prosecutors, and court staff.
-Telling Donald Trump he can't attack people
is like telling him he can't breathe.
Honestly, he'd probably give up breathing
before he ever gave up attacking people.
[As Trump] Crooked Joe wants to send me to jail
because he knows I'm gonna win.
It's a witch hunt. It's so unfair.
The crooked media is going to tell you
I need to take a breath,
but we don't believe them, do we, folks?
[ Laughter ]
They say, "You're gonna pass out from the lack of oxygen."
Oxygen. We love oxygen, don't we, folks?
The beautiful oxygen... [ Gibberish ]
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] So, the...
[ Applause ]
No, I don't think so.
So, the judge said Trump can't attack witnesses,
jurors, prosecutors, or court staff.
But he also issued a list of things
Trump can continue to attack,
including toilets, windmills,
spell check, dogs, the Oscars,
the NFL, teleprompters, horses,
whales, and Joe Buden, whoever that is.
Although Trump did weirdly compliment one person
associated with the case -- the judge himself.
He wrote in a post on Tuesday...
Trump cares so much about optics
that even when he's slamming someone,
he can't help but admit when they look the part.
And let's face it, the dude is very distinguished-looking.
Look at that guy.
I can't believe Dick Wolf hasn't poached this guy yet.
Now, we should note that Trump is still allowed
to comment on the case
and the elected district attorney, Alvin Bragg,
who brought the charges.
He's just not allowed to attack or intimidate witnesses
or private individuals doing their job.
Which, if you're Sean Hannity,
means we're living in Soviet Russia.
-Now Trump cannot even speak out in his own defense.
He can't defend himself against political attacks
stemming from the indictments.
Of course, these conveniently handed down
in the middle of an election.
Um, I thought we lived in the United States of America.
I thought we celebrated freedom of speech.
Is this still America?
-I don't know, man.
A desperately uninformed TV personality
who looks like the greeter at a steakhouse is getting
like $30 million a year to whine on Fox News every night.
Sounds like America to me.
None of that is true, of course.
Trump is still allowed to defend himself.
He's also still allowed to hawk bull[bleep] products
in a desperate bid for money,
arguably the most American thing you can do.
On Tuesday, he released a commercial
for maybe possibly his slimiest cash grab yet.
-Tonight, Donald Trump, facing mounting legal bills,
now revealing he is selling Bibles,
charging $59.99 a Bible.
This is a licensing deal.
Trump will collect royalties,
meaning some of the proceeds from the Bible sales
will go directly to Trump.
-All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many.
It's my favorite book.
It's a lot of people's favorite book.
This Bible is a reminder that the biggest thing
we have to bring back America
and to make America great again is our religion.
Religion is so important. It's so missing.
But it's gonna come back and it's gonna come back strong,
just like our country is gonna come back strong.
I'm proud to endorse and encourage you to get this Bible.
We must make America pray again.
Pray, get educated, get motivated,
and stand with me and the legions of Americans
asking God to bless our great nation,
to bring our great nation back, and to make America great again.
-Yep, the guy
who's about to go on trial for paying hush money
to cover up an affair with a porn star
is selling Bibles.
And because it's a Trump Bible,
most of the Ten Commandments are blacked out.
[ Laughter ]
Side note -- this is a true story.
When our "Closer Look" head writer Sal
sends out the first draft,
it has a short title about what it covers.
And today was "Gag, Bibles,"
meaning the gag order and the Bibles.
But I read it without the comma and thought it was "Gag Bibles,"
which would have made way more sense.
If Trump was selling Bibles that when you open them up,
a bunch of snakes popped out,
you'd say, "Oh, that's good. That is a funny thing
he should sell."
[As Trump] Watch out for a Trump Bible!
It will scare the pious.
[Normal voice] Trump has already sold cologne,
digital trading cards, and golden shoes.
Now he's selling a Bible. What's next?
[As Trump] I'm proud to announce the Trump-approved
God Bless the USA toilet plunger.
As you can see, there's a beautiful --
there's a beautiful white plastic handle.
It comes with a solid gold bottom.
You can see the bottom.
You can't see it, but I assure you it's there.
Here. I'll give you a quick peek.
There you go. You can tell.
You can tell it's solid gold
from the sound it makes on the desk.
[ Dull tap ]
[ Loud clang ]
A little late.
Little late with the sound effect.
[ Laughter ]
Call now and buy the Patriot Plunger
for the very reasonable price of $199.
You'll get a free roll of MAGA toilet paper.
It's 45 ply,
in honor of me, your 45th favorite president.
It's like wiping your ass with a book,
which I've done.
Not gonna say which book,
but let's just say it's my favorite one.
Call now to get all these great products and more at...
[Normal voice] Trump's campaign isn't...
[ Dull tap ]
[ Loud clang ] There we go.
[ Laughter ]
Trump's campaign isn't, in any way,
a real political campaign.
It's a moneymaking venture and an attempt to get out of jail.
That's it. He very obviously doesn't care about
making America great again.
At best, he's trying to...
-Make America...
-Grest.
-...again.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Or don't.
[ Laughter ]