THANKS FOR COMING OUT TO SEES!
HOPE YOU HAD THE BEST DAY.
LOTS OF NEWS TO COVER SO LET'S JUMP RIGHT INTO IT.
AFTER HIS RECENT ATTACKS ON THE CITY OF BALTIMORE AND REVEREND
AL SHARPTON, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS HAVING TO DEFEND HIMSELF FROM
CHARGES OF RACISM.
AND IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE EARLIER TODAY, HE MADE THIS BOLD
CLAIM.
HAVE A LOOK.
>> I AM THE LEAST RACIST PERSON THERE IS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD.
( LAUGHTER ) >> JAMES: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
THAT IS THE LEAST BELIEVABLE STATEMENT THERE IS ANYWHERE IN
THE WORLD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!
THROW TRUMP OUT OF THE EQUATION AND THINK ABOUT THAT STATEMENT.
IF YOU SAW THAT ON A BILLBOARD FOR A REAL ESTATE AGENT, "I'M
THE LEAST RACIST PERSON ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD," THE FIRST THOUGHT
YOU'LL HAVE IS THAT REAL ESTATE AGENT IS DEFINITELY RACIST.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ISN'T EVEN THE LEAST
RACIST PERSON ON THAT LAWN.
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH, HE IS SLIGHTLY LESS
RACIST THAN THIS CHIPMUNK WEARING A KID ROCK T-SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER ) ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
POLITICAL AISLE, THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY HELD ANOTHER ONE OF THEIR
HALF-DEBATES TONIGHT.
THERE ARE SO MANY DEMOCRATS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, THEY HAD
TO SPLIT THE FIELD INTO TWO SEPARATE DEBATES.
IN OTHER WORDS, TONIGHT THERE WAS A DEBATE TO FIND OUT WHICH
PEOPLE FROM THIS DEBATE COULD EVENTUALLY MOVE ON TO DEBATE THE
PEOPLE IN THE OTHER DEBATE, TO SEE WHO GETS TO GO TO THE FINAL
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE-- WHICH WILL BE THE ONLY ONE ANYONE WILL
ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT.
( LAUGHTER ) TONIGHT'S FIELD HAD TEN
CANDIDATES INCLUDING BERNIE SANDERS, ELIZABETH WARREN, BETO
O'ROURKE, AND JOHN HICKENLOOPER.
THE CANDIDATES WERE REALLY STUMPED BY THE FIRST QUESTION,
WHICH WAS "WHO IS JOHN HICKENLOOPER?"
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE BIGGEST THING PEOPLE
WERE TUNING IN FOR TONIGHT WAS TO SEE HOW ARIZONA CONGRESSWOMAN
DEBRA STALLINGS WOULD FARE IN THIS DEBATE.
NOW, I JUST MADE THAT PERSON UP AND THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T
KNOW THAT, PROVES MY POINT ABOUT THESE DEBATES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MOVING ON, THIS IS A TROUBLING STATISTIC: ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, 28% OF FOOD DELIVERY DRIVERS HAVE EATEN FROM A
CUSTOMER'S ORDER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH, LIKE YOU WOULDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S SHOCKING, 28% OF DRIVERS
HAVE ADMITTED TO EATING A CUSTOMER'S FOOD.
WHICH MEANS THAT 72% HAVE LIED ABOUT EATING A CUSTOMER'S FOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I USED TO BE A WAITER IN A
PIZZA RESTAURANT IN HIGH WYCOMBE.
FULL DISCLOSURE, I WENT ONE FURTHER THAN THIS, I USED TO EAT
PEOPLE'S FOOD ON THE WAY TO THEIR TABLES.
HONESTLY, I DID.
I'M NOT JOKING.
I WORKED IN A PLACE CALLED BELA PASTURE.
EVERYONE DID IT.
THEY PUT THE PIZZAS UP AND THERE WAS A BIT OF CHEESE HANGING OVER
THE TOP OF ONE.
YOU JUST EAT IT AND GO OVER.
THE ONE TIME I DID THIS, I WAS TAKING THE PIZZAS TO THE TABLE
AND I SAID, OH, HERE'S YOUR PIZZA.
AND I PUT THEM ON THE TABLE AND THE WHOLE TABLE WENT LIKE THIS.
AND I REALIZED THERE WAS A STRING OF CHEESE FROM THE PIZZA
TO MY MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WENT LIKE THIS.
I'M GOING TO GET YOU ANOTHER ONE OF THESE.
>> JAMES: AND THIS IS AN ODD STORY.
A MAN IN COLORADO WAS RECENTLY PULLED OVER FOR A BROKEN
TAILLIGHT BUT THE OFFICER LET HIM GO WITHOUT A TICKET AFTER
SEEING HE HAD CLEVERLY REPLACED THE TAILLIGHT WITH A BOTTLE OF
RED SPORTS DRINK.
HERE IT IS HERE.
LOOK AT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW
ELECTROLYTES WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE, AFTER
REPLACING THE TAILLIGHT WITH A SPORTS DRINK, THE MAN'S CAR
SCORED 30 POINTS IN A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) THE OFFICER LET HIM OFF BECAUSE
THE MAN SAID HE WAS GOING TO GET THE LIGHT FIXED.
AND THIS WAS NICE, WHEN HE FINALLY DID GET IT FIXED, TO
CELEBRATE THE VICTORY, ALL THE MECHANICS CAME OUT AND DUMPED A
BIG TUB OF TAILLIGHTS ON HIS HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, IN FLORIDA
RECENTLY, A PROFESSIONAL SURFER WAS BITTEN BY A SHARK AND EVEN
THOUGH HE HAD SEVERAL BITE MARKS ON HIS ARM, INSTEAD OF GOING TO
THE HOSPITAL, THE MAN WENT DIRECTLY TO A BAR.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT IS A PRO MOVE.
YOU JUST NEVER KNOW WHAT BEERS THE HOSPITAL IS GOING TO HAVE
ON TAP.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WOULD BE AWKWARD IF THE SHARK
WAS IN THE BAR TOO, DROWNING HIS SORROWS.
HE'S LIKE, "HE WAS RIGHT THERE IN MY MOUTH.
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE GOT AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) THE GUY WAS PRETTY CLEVER.
RATHER THAN GO TO A HOSPITAL HE JUST REPLACED HIS ARM WITH AN
OLD BOTTLE OF SPORTS DRINK.