>> THANK YOU SO MUCH!
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE!
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME, I GOT MARRIED THIS YEAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PLEASE HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE.
WE DIDN'T WANT TO.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS FOR HEALTH INSURANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NOT BIG ON MARRIAGE IN
GENERAL, BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT HAS BEEN SO GREAT TO NOT HAVE TO
CALL HIM MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE.
THAT'S NOT A WORD FOR ADULTS, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE, LIKE, IF WE HAD STAYED
TOGETHER AND NOT GOTTEN MARRIED, THAT MEANS, AT SOME POINT IN THE
FUTURE, I WAS GOING TO HAVE A 70-YEAR-OLD BOYFRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S 68 NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, I WISH THERE WAS SOME KIND
OF NON-MARRIAGE ALTERNATIVE TO THOSE WORDS TO SHOW PEOPLE
YOU'RE COMMITTED, RIGHT?
LIKE THERE AREN'T GOOD ONES.
LIKE, I WASN'T GOING TO CALL HIM MY PARTNER.
WE'VE NEVER PLAYED TENNIS OR CLOSED A DEAL.
( LAUGHTER ) I WASN'T GOING TO CALL HIM MY
LOVER.
THAT DOESN'T TELL PEOPLE WE'RE COMMITTED.
IT JUST TELLS THEM WE DON'T USE CONDOMS.
( LAUGHTER ) SOUL MATE, I ACTUALLY LIKE.
IT'S VERY SPOOKY, VERY HALLOWEENY, I LIKE THAT ABOUT
IT, BUT I ALSO DON'T THINK IT APPLIES TO US.
HE'S NOT MY SOUL MATE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY IF THAT MAKES YOU SAD.
I JUST FEEL LIKE IN ORDER TO BE SOUL MATES YOU AT LEAST HAVE TO
HAVE THE SAME OPINION ABOUT "STAR WARS," AND MY HUSBAND'S
OPINION IS THAT IT'S NOT THAT BORING.
SO WE ARE NOT SOUL MATES BECAUSE, OMIGOD!
THOSE MOVIES ARE SO BORING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IF THIS IS THE POINT IN MY
SET WHERE I'VE LOST YOU, GOOD RIDDANCE NERD.
I DON'T CARE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME WATCH THOSE MOVIES.
( LAUGHTER ) I MET MY HUSBAND ONLINE.
IT'S WHERE I DO ALL MY SHOPPING.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAVE AMAZON PRIME, TOO.
SO IT WAS, LIKE, TWO DAYS.
SO FAST.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M KIDDING.
OF COURSE, IT TOOK FOREVER AND I MET A MILLION MONSTERS.
IT WAS THE WORST.
IT WAS LIKE TRYING TO BEAT SUPER MARIO.
MONSTER AFTER MONSTER.
TURTLE, MUSHROOM, LI LIZARD, OVE AND OVER AGAIN, UNTIL I
EVENTUALLY FOUND THE PRINCESS.
ARE THE IN OTHER WORDS BACK?
( LAUGHTER ) ARE THE NERDS BACK?
THAT ONE IS.
THE WEIRDEST REACTION IS WHEN I INTRODUCE MY HUSBAND TO ONE OF
MY FRIENDS AND THEY FIND OUT WE MET ONLINE.
THEY'RE, LIKE, YOU MET HIM ONLINE?
BUT HE'S SO NORMAL.
YOU WON THE LOTTERY.
I'M ALWAYS, LIKE, HOW DARE YOU?
( LAUGHTER ) I DID ONLINE DATING FOR YEARS
BEFORE I MET HIM.
WINNING THE LOTTERY TAKES ONE DAY, NO SKILL.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT ANALOGY DOES NOT PROPERLY
HONOR MY RESILIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY
MEN'S OPINIONS I HAD TO LISTEN TO BEFORE I MET HIM?
HOW MANY CONVERSATIONS I HAD ABOUT QUINTIN TARANTINO?
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS JUST THE ONE
CONVERSATION, BUT I HAD IT A HUNDRED TIMES.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT ENDED THE SAME WAY EVERY
TIME WITH ME SAYING, YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT ONE EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S JUST ONCE YOU GET TO
THE DATE.
BEFORE THE DATE, THERE'S THE PROFILES AND THE MESSAGES.
WHEN YOU'RE A STRAIGHT WOMAN, ONLINE DATING, YOU JUST HAVE TO
READ A BUNCH OF PERSONAL ESSAYS BY UNACCOMPLISHED MEN.
IT'S THE WORST BOOK CLUB YOU EVER JOINED.
SO, NO, I DIDN'T WIN THE LOTTERY.
THAT DOESN'T DESCRIBE MY EXPERIENCE ONLINE DATING.
WHAT HAPPENED WAS I ATE AT A RESTAURANT THAT GAVE ME FOOD
POISONING EVERY DAY FOR YEARS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN, ONE DAY, I TRIED THE
PASTA, AND IT WAS FINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I WAS JUST, LIKE, I GUESS THIS IS WHAT I'M ORDERING NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I MIGHT GET BORED OF THIS
EVENTUALLY, BUT I CANNOT RISK IT ON ANOTHER MENU ITEM AT THIS
POINT IN MY LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS
LEAVING HERE THINKING I HATE MEN.
I WANT YOU LEAVING HERE KNOWING IT FOR SURE.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M EMILY HELLER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> JAMES: EMILY HELLER EVERYONE!
HER BRAND NEW ALBUM IS "PASTA."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.