You look fantastic.
You think I look good?
For someone who's let himself go, yeah.
(audience laughs)
(Conan chuckles)
Really?
No, no, really.
It's interesting with you because it's only up close,
that you see the plastic surgery scars.
(audience and Conan laughing) You don't see them on TV.
You don't see it?
Well it's the filtering.
I've had tons of work done.
No, no, you look good.
You have that kind of Colin Farrell,
bad boy, over sexed thing about you.
(audience laughs) It's a good look.
I really don't think I do.
(audience laughs)
Then who am I thinking of?
You're thinking of someone else.
Couldn't be me.
Yeah. Well you look, you look good too.
I mean, you take good care of yourself.
Well, I'm doing Atkins now.
Oh, really?
Not the diet, his widow.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
See though, the strike is over.
(Conan laughs)
The strike is over, and I'm ridin', I'm ridin'.
I'm back on top.
I got my old computer going.
Yeah.
Oh, that's what that is.
I thought that was a tiny piano.
(Martin laughs)
You, you look, if I may say so, like you,
you take good care of yourself.
I do Pilates, you know? Mm-hm.
and I do,
and I think it's very important, you know, you have to,
and physicals, I do a lot of physicals.
You get a lot of physical exams? Checkups?
I don't go every day, but once a year, no,
you all of those things, preventatively, colonoscopies.
Have you ever had a colonoscopy?
I did, I had a colonoscopy, yeah.
Yeah. You started around.
What are you now, slugger?
What is that?
How old are you, baby?
I'm 44.
44. Yeah.
Well see, that's right when you should start.
Around 40, 41, two.
I, what we do,
we Hollywood types.
We've done it twice now.
Is we have a celebrity colonoscopy party.
Really?
Honest to truth.
I love hearing what's really going on in that town.
And this is the new thing?
Well, this is what we need.
First of all, you know,
colonoscopy, for everyone to understand,
they take a little camera,
and they put it in your colon.
Yes.
I hope it's little.
(they laugh)
And where you can bring, you know,
in Hollywood you bring makeup and hair people,
(Conan laughs) It depends on your vanity.
You know?
Or you do it solo.
Sure, sure.
So what we do is we, Tom Hanks.
Uh-huh.
Steve Martin.
Mm-hm.
My friend, Walter Parks and I,
meet at Steve's house on Colonoscopy Eve as we call it.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, because you have to take this, drink,
this barium drink-
Yes.
the evening before, to cleanse yourself, so to speak.
Yes.
and so we meet at Steve's at 5:00 PM,
and we do all the drinks together,
and then we sleep over at Steve's,
and the nex-
You all sleep over at the same house?
Yeah, Yeah.
And then the next day-
Are you in one room?
How does this work?
Bunk beds, like The Stooges.
(audience laughs) Bunk beds, yeah.
That's nice. We all sleep over.
And then the next morning we go in together,
have it done together,
and then go to the Ivy and have lunch at noon.
It's all done at the same time.
So what we do is we meet at five o'clock at Steve's,
and there's like the table set up and we have the drinks.
Right?
You can only eat jello and clear soup.
He had, the drinks would go, you know?
(He gargles)
And then Tom says, why make that noise?
We should actually drink this.
(audience laughs)
And then we play poker.
Yeah.
We play poker.
You play poker while this stuff is cleansing your system.
Yeah, sometimes there's only one person at the table.
(audience laughs) Yeah.
Five toilets set up next to each other.
How does it work?
Well, that's the weird thing you think with Steve's money,
One bathroom.
Really?
No, no.
(audience laughs)
You're a bad guy.
And then we would, you know, he would TiVo, you know,
Flavor of Love or something.
(audience laughs)
We'd watch some episodes.
(audience cheers)
And then, and, but it's really a smart thing to do.
It's smart and it's kind of fun to do it with, you know,
some friends because you all have to do it anyway.
And then you go in together and you, obviously, you,
the loser, you know, poker would go last and you know,
Yes.
the same doctor would do it in a private clinic.
And then by noon, you're feeling fine.
Great.
You have fun,
and you get a good sound medical exam at the same time.
Exactly.
You don't lose a day of socializing and swimming,
(audience laughs)
just because someone's, you know,
putting a camera crew up your colon,
which is a wonderful,
it was the name of my book, by the way.
I'd love you to buy it.
Really, "Camera Crew Up The Colon".
Whaddya think?
That was terrific. I'd read that any day.
Thank you so much, it's on tape.
Sharon Glass reads it.
(Conan laughs) (audience laughs)
You're a bad, bad man.