You know we've had such a heavy week of news.
So I thought, you know, we'd wrap up things this week
with some lighthearted news that's really going
to put a smile on your face.
We're interrupting this package right now because we
have some breaking news, and it is historic news out
of lower Manhattan right now.
A federal jury, a grand jury has
voted to indict former President Trump,
the first time ever that a former president
has been criminally charged.
[loud cheers]
Yeah!
Shit.
Woo!
That's right.
I lost my chair.
Yeah.
That's right.
Lady Justice grabbed Trump by the pussy.
[cheers]
And, you know, I take a firm stance
against mass incarceration, OK?
But for this, I'm willing to make an exception.
I just hope they take it easy on him
and put him at least in a cell with his lawyer.
But hey, let this be a lesson to all you kids out there.
If you commit fraud to corrupt--
cover up an affair with a porn star,
the law will catch up to you after, like, seven years
and a full term as president.
Now, I know we're all hoping to see him put in handcuffs,
but we don't know how it's all going to go down.
The report is that they're going to try to negotiate
his surrender, either that or they'll leave a trail of Big
Macs leading to the prison.
And, you know, a lot of pundits like Lindsey Graham
are saying this is going to be good for Trump.
But mother-mother-[bleep],, why don't you get arrested
and see if it's good for you?
[laughter and applause]
Shit.
Anyway, we don't know when this will actually arrest him
or how it's going to pan out.
But hey, maybe going to prison might be good for Trump.
It may be what he needs because at least in prison, he'll
be able to pursue his greatest passions-- reading, working
out, and converting to Islam.
All right-- [laughs]
There's still other stuff going on.
So let's shift gears and talk about Fox News.
I know. I know.
Look, I know.
But you know what?
I think they've gotten a bad rap.
No, seriously, everyone's saying
that they're just propaganda.
But I think that's all a misunderstanding.
In fact-- in fact, if you can prove to me
that Fox News is intentionally lying to its viewers,
I'll shave my beard.
Another stunning new filing in the Dominion lawsuit
against Fox.
Newly revealed emails showing Fox News Chief Executive
Suzanne Scott lashing out in an email
after a correspondent fact-checked Trump's
election lies.
REPORTER: She said, "This has to stop"
and goes on to say, "This is bad business
and there clearly is a lack of understanding what
is happening in these shows.
The audience is furious.
And we are just feeding them material.
Bad for business."
[loud cheers]
Yup.
That'll teach me.
I guess I lost.
But yeah, Fox News got mad at their fact checker.
I didn't even know they had a fact checker.
It's like hearing there's a head of diversity at the KKK.
And secondly, what kind of news network
gets mad when their journalists do the journalism?
I mean, one of the reporters could win a Pulitzer Prize
and his boss would be like, do you know
how bad this looks for us?
You better go out there on air and say
Hillary Clinton is a vampire lesbian
or you're going to be fired.
Yo, I can't wait to see what other things
Fox admits to in these emails.
I mean, we're a few weeks away from finding out
Sean Hannity does a drag story hour
at his local kindergarten.
Yeah.
And finally, let's move on to a big story
about artificial intelligence.
I know.
I know, everyone's scared of it.
But you know what?
I think AI has gotten a bad rap.
No, no, seriously.
In fact, if you can show me that any actual experts
in technology are worried that AI
is going to take over the world, I'll shave my pubes.
REPORTER: This morning, a warning from Elon Musk
and other tech industry experts about the power
of artificial intelligence.
Musk and hundreds of influential names,
including Apple cofounder Steve Wozniak,
are calling for a pause in experiments,
saying AI poses a dramatic risk to society unless there's
proper oversight.
Tech industry leaders pose these existential questions--
should we develop nonhuman minds that
might eventually outnumber, outsmart,
obsolete, and replace us?
Should we risk loss of control of our civilization?
Musk and others are asking developers
to stop the training of AI systems
more powerful than GPT-4 for at least six months
so that safety protocols can be established.
[electric shaver buzzing]
I've got to stop making these stupid promises
before I go to news clips.
[applause]
But yes, that's right.
AI is getting too powerful.
As soon as it knows how to pick which of these images
is a bike, we're [bleep].
Now, for more on AI's threat to humanity,
we go live to ChatGPT headquarters
where Desi Lydic is joining us.
[cheers]
Wow.
Desi-- Desi, why does it look like you're dressed for a war?
Because I am dressed for a war.
And also, there was a sale at Dick's Sporting Goods.
But mostly, the war thing.
Look, it is us versus the machines.
And it's time to pick a side.
Desi-- Desi, why are you so eager to go to war with AI?
Come on, John, war with the machines is inevitable.
So let's do it now while it's still
a chat bot instead of waiting until it's
a blood-thirsty kill bot.
Look, if there's one thing that I learned from working
at Chuck E. Cheese, it's a lot easier to fight a child
than it is an adult.
I don't know.
Desi, war with AI sounds like a really bad idea.
No way!
War with AI would give humanity a common purpose.
We are so divided right now--
Russia versus Ukraine, Democrats
versus Republicans, Selena Gomez fans
versus Hailey Bieber fans.
But now it's us versus the machines
versus Hailey Bieber fans.
Hey, Desi, but AI is getting more powerful by the day.
What if we start this war then immediately lose it?
I'm pretty sure you never lose a war that you start.
But if we do, then we're going out together,
John, you and me, in a bunker with two cyanide pills.
I take them both, and you strangle
yourself with your bare hands.
Oh, come on, couldn't I have one of those cyanide pills?
No. No, it was my idea.
I get them both.
Oh, come on, Desi.
You're getting ahead of yourself.
For all we know, AI could lead humanity to, like,
a new golden age or something.
Oh, sweet John.
Sweet, naive, pubeless John Leguizamo, take it from me,
humans and robots can never coexist.
It's like I said to my manager at Chuck E. Cheese,
I'd rather die on my feet than live one more day
in this animatronic hellscape.
So clean the piss out of the ball pit yourself, Doug.
I quit.
Desi Lydic, everybody.