I HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT TUESDAY.
LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
IT WAS A BIG DAY IN THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY ON CAPITOL
HILL.
BUT CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS ARE NOW SAYING THAT THE INQUIRY IS
GOING TO TAKE LONGER THAN THEY ORIGINALLY THOUGHT.
MOSTLY BECAUSE THEY KEEP FINDING MORE AND MORE WITNESSES WITH KEY
INFORMATION.
THE LESSON HERE IS IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMIT HIGH CRIMES AND
MISDEMEANORS, COMMIT SO MANY OF THEM THAT CONGRESS GETS
ABSOLUTELY BURIED IN PAPERWORK.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE LESSON!
HOUSE DEMOCRATS ORIGINALLY THOUGHT THEY COULD HOLD AN
IMPEACHMENT VOTE AS EARLY AS OCTOBER, BUT NOW IT MIGHT EXTEND
INTO CHRISTMAS.
AN IMPEACHMENT VOTE IN DECEMBER?
IT REALLY IS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
HAS ALREADY JUMPED ON IT WITH YET ANOTHER NEW HOLIDAY MOVIE.
"IMPEACHMENT IN A PEAR TREE."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP ONCE
-- I WOULD LIKE TO SEE, I'LL BE HONEST.
MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP ONCE AGAIN TOOK TO TWITTER TO LASH
OUT AGAINST THE ENTIRE PROCEEDINGS.
BUT INSTEAD OF CALLING IT A "WITCH HUNT," LIKE HE NORMALLY
DOES, TODAY HE CALLED IT, "A LYNCHING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THAT IS A VERY LOADED WORD
IN THIS COUNTRY.
AT THIS RATE, TRUMP'S GOING TO LOSE ALL THREE OF HIS BLACK
SUPPORTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) IN OTHER PRESIDENTIAL NEWS,
DONALD TRUMP RETWEETED A TWITTER ACCOUNT THAT PARODIES
AND THIS IS TRUE, HIS OWN BUTT.
( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT SHARED
A TWEET FROM "@DJTRUMPSBUTT," NOT REALIZING IT WAS A JOKE
ACCOUNT.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
THE PRESIDENT IS REALLY PUTTING THE PEACH IN IMPEACHMENT.
ISN'T HE?
( LAUGHTER ) ALTHOUGH TRUMP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
IT WAS A PARODY ACCOUNT BECAUSE THE BIO SAYS, AND THIS IS REAL,
"I AM DONALD TRUMP'S BUTT.
WHATEVER HE SAYS, IT'S REALLY ME THAT'S SAYING IT.
FOLLOW ME, OR I WILL NUKE YOU!
HASHTAG PUTIN POWER, HASHTAG MAGA."
( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE ABSOLUTELY SURE THIS
ISN'T JUST ANOTHER ONE OF MITT ROMNEY'S FAKE ACCOUNTS?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE THE
KIND OF BIO PIERRE DELECTO WOULD WRITE.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T BELIEVE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED AN ACCOUNT FOR HIS BUTT.
( LAUGHTER ) EVEN WORSE, TODAY BERNIE SANDERS
RETWEETED HIS ENLARGED PROSTATE.
( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON, ACCORDING TO A NE
STUDY, PARENTS ONLY SPEND 24 MORE MINUTES A DAY WITH THEIR
CHILDREN THAN THEY DO WITH THEIR PHONES.
WHEN THEY HEARD THE RESULTS OF THE STUDY, PARENTS EVERYWHERE
SAID, "SORRY, WHAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?" ( LAUGHTER )
PARENTS SPEND ALMOST AS MUCH TIME WITH THEIR PHONES AS THEY
DO WITH THEIR KIDS.
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT WHENEVER THEIR CHILDREN DO SOMETHING
GOOD, PARENTS ARE NOW TRYING TO HEART THEM WITH A DOUBLE TAP.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND, FINALLY, THIS IS A CRAZY STORY OUT OF ILLINOIS.
A MAN TRIED TO AVOID ARREST BY GIVING POLICE A FAKE NAME.
NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT, HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM: HIS ACTUAL NAME WAS TATTOOED ACROSS
HIS NECK.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE HE IS RIGHT THERE.
AND THERE'S HIS NAME ON HIS NECK, MATTY B.
( LAUGHTER ) I IMAGINE THE B STANDS FOR "BAD
DECISIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MAN HAS LEARNED HIS
LESSON AND HE'S MAKING SURE THIS WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
HE JUST UPDATED HIS NECK TATTOO TO SAY "MATTY B. IS NOT MY
NAME."