In this video, we're going to be talking about why you should not blindly trust, no contact.
But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life, where we help you get the great and loving
relationship that you're looking for without having to play hard to get, without having
to play mind games and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you are not
because you deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are.
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good stuff. Also, we're talking about the no contact rule
in this video and why it may not necessarily be the right thing for everyone. If you do
want to know the plan that we do recommend people follow, it's in our course called the
Ex Solution Program. You can find more info on it in the description box below this video.
I'm not going to twist your arm on it or anything like that but if you're curious, check it
out down below. Okay. So let's get into this. So yeah, there are a lot of no contact coaches
out there that will, of course tell you that you must do no contact all the time, that
you need to trust no contact blindly, that you just need to do it and that it'll make
your ex come crawling back to you over broken shards of glass. They'll be begging for the
two of you to get back together, they'll realize the terrible choice that they've made and
they'll miss you so much that they will want to get back together with you. Can this happen?
Yes, this can happen. Is this guaranteed to happen? No, it is not guaranteed to happen.
I have been helping people with breakups and helping people get back together with their
exes since 2009 and I have seen this happen before, and I've also seen this not happen
many, many, many times. So I think it's actually irresponsible for a lot of these no contact
coaches out there to be telling you to just blindly do no contact, to blindly trust the
plan, to essentially turn your brain off and to just not contact your ex until they come
crawling back to you over broken shards of glass, which you have conveniently left outside
of your doorstep for them to bloody their hands and knees.
But anyway, let's get into this. Why is no contact not always the best solution? The
reason why is because there's really a fundamental difference in every situation. No two situations
are unique, no two situations are the same. But if you turn your brain off and just apply
a blanket statement to every situation, then you run some very real risks of overlooking
important distinctions, overlooking important dynamics that are at play and potentially
making a lot of bad mistakes. Let's put it that way. You know, I totally understand that
there is a time and place for using no contact, or radio silence, or whatever they're calling
it these days. But there is a difference between not contacting
your ex because being in contact is doing more harm than good and you're just trying
to not do things that are getting you deeper in trouble. That's a valid thing to do, but
it's not necessarily going to make your ex feel inspired to contact you, inspired to
get back in communication with you and inspired to reconnect with you. Oftentimes there's
going to be something else that you need to do instead.
That's where maybe I differ from a lot of no contact coaches, is that no contact coaches
often think that this is about making you look good, making you look strong, making
you look cool, making you look elusive, aloof, a little bit mysterious or something like
that. That can be fine and good, but it's not necessarily what's going to get a relationship
back together or what's going to save a relationship. Oftentimes what's going to save a relationship
is going to be very different than what makes you look cool, or good, or aloof, or mysterious
or something like that. You know, if you're going to actually be in
a relationship together, you're not going to be able to be mysterious all the time.
I've been married for years, and years, and years to my wife and she knows me inside and
out, and I know her inside and out. We are totally transparent with one another and in
my personal opinion, I think we have a very good marriage. There is no necessary need
for mysteriousness, or aloofness, or playing hard to get, or mind games or anything like
that. Now, granted we can have fun and plan a little surprises for one another or things
like that, but we don't need to play mind games with one another.
And if you think that a strong relationship is based on playing mind games or things like
that, then good luck. That's all I got to say. There's a different, okay? You want to
start bringing yourself into alignment with what is actually going to make a relationship
work, which in my experience and in my worldview and in my viewpoint, is focusing on the quality
of the emotional connection and allowing the emotional connection to bring the two of you
closer together. Sometimes that will involve cutting contact because maybe what you're
doing isn't working. Maybe it's causing more distance to form between
the two of you, more of an emotional disconnect, or maybe your ex is explicitly asking for
space or something like that. But other times, doing no contact can actually be the wrong
thing to do because no contact actually sends a certain message to your ex. Oftentimes people
have this belief that no contact is their only tool and that they have to use it whenever
things don't go the way that they want them to. Your ex doesn't text you back, do no contact,
your ex is in a rebound relationship, do no contact. Your ex is upset with you, do no
contact, your ex is giving you 100 replies, do no contact.
No contact coaches will of course, tell you to do no contact at every single step along
the way. But, no contact sends a message to your ex that when the going gets tough, I
go away, and this is not a very strong relationship indicator. You don't want to be in a relationship
with someone who is going to give up and walk away whenever things get tough. That is not
what most people imagine their great, wonderful, ideal partner that they can see themselves
being married, to committed to for the longterm, for a lifetime, all that stuff doing.
So, you have to be careful about doing no contact because you could potentially be sending
the wrong message to your ex that like, "Yeah, I made the right choice in breaking up because
this person is not relationship material. When the going gets tough, they get up and
walk away." That is not the right signal that you want to be sending to your ex if that's
what they're thinking in their mind. So you have to be careful about this sort of stuff.
Again, there is a time and place for no contact but it can be very dangerous to use it as
your only tool in your arsenal. You have to know what is going to make the
strongest emotional connection between you and your ex. Sometimes it is doing no contact.
Sometimes on the other hand, it's talking something through. Talking through a misunderstanding,
talking through something that it seems like they want that maybe you're not sure if they
want, talking through some difficult feelings because that can send the message that, "Hey,
when the going gets tough, I'm willing to work things out. When the going gets tough,
I'm willing to sit with you through your confusion, through your frustration, through the doubts
that you're having and we can make this work together as a team."
Being able to work together as a team is a much stronger relationship signal to be sending
to someone. When the going gets tough, we find a way to make it work. That is something
that a lot of people can see themselves being a cornerstone in the relationship that they're
meant to be in. A cornerstone in their partner's philosophy and worldview that they want to
settle down with for a lifetime. So you want to be careful about all of this. I wouldn't
recommend that you just blindly trust no contact like some no contact coaches are telling you.
I'd recommend that you zero in on what's going on in your situation and in your relationship
and say, "Okay, what is going to bridge the gap, the emotional gap between where I'm at
and where my ex is at?" Is it going to be no contact? Sometimes it is going to be no
contact. Is it going to be something else like talking it out, showing them that I'm
committed and showing them that I'm open to working things out together as a team or something
else? That can oftentimes be an alternative. And I've had lots of clients that have gotten
back together with their exes and they haven't done no contact because it didn't make sense
in their situation. And I haven't been guilting them or bullying them into it or anything
like that, because I recognize that their situation is a little bit different and doesn't
necessarily constitute doing no contact. I don't like to turn my brain off and just treat
one situation as if it's the same as any other situation because it's not, and I don't recommend
that you do the same either. So, feel into your situation. Figure out if no contact is
the right thing for you to do or not. It might be, it might not be, but you're going to have
to feel into it and pay attention to that emotional connection, okay?
Once again, if you do want to find out more about our strategy for getting back together
with your ex, which may involve no contact, it also may not involve no contact. Feel free
to check out the Ex Solution Program. We'll put a link to it down in the description box
below this video. And if you do like these videos that I'm doing here, please help me
out. Hit that thumbs up button, subscribe to this channel so that you can get notifications
in your newsfeed on YouTube here when we do post and upload new videos. But once again,
my name is Clay with modernlove.life. Thank you so much for watching this video. If you
do want to learn more about our take on the no contact rule, check it out over here in
this video series, or you might want to check out this video right here. Thanks so much
for watching, and I'll talk to you next time. Please take care and have a good day out there.