If you're watching this with your significant other, it's time to turn to each other and repeat after me: I love you
(I love you)
But let's be honest (but let's be honest )we're basically friends pretending it's still there (we're basically friends pretending it's still there)
and pretending is for children
(and pretending is for children) which means we're still in touch with our youth
(Which means we're still in touch with our youth) and therefore our relationship is strong (and therefore our
Relationship is strong) but only really as friends ( but only as friends)
that used to have sex (that used to have sex) but never will again (but never will again.) happy Valentine's Day sweetie
pumpkin muffin huffin puffin crumblin' dumplin'
You Suck At ROMANCE Yeah You Totally Suck
Okay, if you survived that, congratulations! Your relationship is in a really good place or you're in super deep denial both equally difficult
Accomplishments
(hand hits cutting board) good job. you're gonna need one cup of packed brown sugar,
One fork, half a cup of melted butter,
You're gonna mix this together the old-fashioned way, which is clockwise. You can just quit and eat that with a spoon
woah, I just whistled. I'm gonna take
whoops, one teaspoon of pure vanilla extract
One egg that doesn't have a personality
Get those mixed up 'till you got this buttery rich
caramely
Sauce, look at that. Don't you want to just eat a spoonful of this? No you don't, cuz there's raw egg in it. now we're
Gonna take one and a half cups of all-purpose flour
quarter teaspoon of baking soda and half a teaspoon of salt
wang jangle that together with something that's got some good mustard stains on it.
why don't you guess what happens next?
WRONG
what we're gonna do is start to
Combine all these ingredients into one thing you thought we were gonna bake them separately but you're dumb.
Just go until you got a pretty good dough here then we're gonna take a whole cup of chocolate chips
oh yeah
so many chocolate chip cookies are under chocolate chipped that ends NOW. all right
so I've pre parchment paper this pan you can use a regular pan and add the
Parchment paper after if you want to and then we're just gonna take
Not even ping-pong ball size really, I made these earlier I could only fit six I feel like I've shrunk in the time-space reality
Okay, "Undo's on 3:70-fundo"
(whispers) good journey!
Alright so they're just starting to get a little golden that might be too much but you decide there's lots of leeway here you can
Go less, cooked more chewy, more cooked less chance of getting salmonella
Congratulations you're a romantic person if you've baked someone
Cookies it's such a nice thing to do but there are other options for example if you want to be super romantic
a heart cookie says
I have some pretty good feelings about you but I also don't have an original bone in my body and I just do what the
Corporation's taught me to do, and by the way I love you sweetie honey pumpkin
Pie darling so much. or
Make a cookie in the shape of a car to say baby I love you so much let's go on a road trip or
Sometimes I wish I could just get in the car and drive and drive and drive and never look back
Happy Valentine's Day I love you
Or bake your cookie into the shape of a hammer to say babe
you're so handy around the house I really appreciate how you fix all the stuff that's broken or
for Christ's sakes Jason would you mind fixing the back, deck finally? so don't step on a nail and get lockjaw?
Happy Valentine's Day love you
Or make a cute little baby to say honey I think it's time we start a family. or-
you are so
FUCKING IMMATURE
I'm not even mad at you. I'm mad at myself for not being able to see in advance, and now
I can't even bring it up because
I don't have to admit that I've been resenting this aspect of you for years which would just make me feel vulnerable
Which is so unfair cuz you're the living child.
Happy Valentine's Day. But look, whatever you cookie choose just remember that in the end there's really nothing more romantic than
Honesty. Honesty is is the best thing for
Being honest. probably not the best thing if you're feeling good in the short term
But you'll probably be better off in the long term
pretty sure or at least I know someone who's a psychiatrist who would probably repeat that if I force them to
Happy Valentine's Day. brought to you by finger guns and agave juice
♪Relationships are weird♪
♪They're usually good for about a year♪
♪Until you start getting to the difficult stuff and you feel like you've had enough♪
♪Oh god don't give up unless it really sucks in which case steal their truck♪
♪you suck at being♪
♪Romantic but maybe if you worked at it just a little bit you wouldn't suck so bad so make some chocolate chip cookies tonight♪
♪Oh my god you suck♪