You know what two concepts really don’t go together?
Pineapple on pizza?
Correct, but also, Christmas and freaking Squid Game.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of peace on earth and good will toward men, so just
mentioning it in the same sentence as this horrific game of death is a brain aneurysm
waiting to happen.
At the very least, we can limit the cognitive dissonance by focusing on the naughtiest nasties
to ever disgrace the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m Kyle with WickedBinge, and we’re going to figure out which Christmas movie villain
would survive the Squid Game?
First thing’s first, let’s put together this Naughty List of villains, shall we?
For this game, we’re going with Ebenezer Scrooge, The Grinch, The Abominable Snow Monster,
The Toy Taker, Professor Hinkle, Snow Miser, Heat Miser, Burgermeister Meisterburger, Kubla
Kraus, Barnaby, Gretchen Fox, Oogie Boogie, Tammy Krum, Aksel Ellingboe, Henry F. Potter,
Granville Sawyer, Harry, Marv, Walter Hobbs, Frank Shirley, Toy Santa, Jack Frost, Rudolfa
Claus, The White Witch, Clyde Northcutt, Marcus Skidmore, Hans Gruber, Billy Chapman, Ronald
Jones Jr., and Jimmy “Scrooge” Martinez.
Some of these characters may be pushing the definitions of “Christmas” and “Villain”
but given how few actual villains there are in Christmas movies, we can’t afford to
be picky here.
Additionally, for the small handful of characters this actually applies to, they will all be
coming into this game with no special powers whatsoever to make it more of an even playing
ground.
With that out of the way, let’s get to our first game; that, of course, being “Red
Light, Green Light”.
“Red Light, Green Light” is all about speed and listening skills.
In addition to being physically fit enough to cross the line in the time allotted, survival
in this game comes down to two factors: the ability to follow instructions and the ability
to maintain calm under pressure.
If a character is too headstrong to follow the rules or not able to keep from flying
into a panic, then they will certainly get themselves killed.
Some of the standouts in this game include Oogie Boogie, who is certainly no stranger
to high-stakes games with lives on the line.
In fact, he actually revels in the death going on around him and would be perfectly fine
in this game.
Toy Santa also has a distinct advantage since his inorganic body makes him adept at freezing
in place on the spot.
And Marcus would also be able to get through easily with the combination of his small stature
and level-headedness under fire.
As for the deaths, the first one would have to be Bumble.
He’s a lot more abominable than snowman and would be far too simple to be able to
understand the instructions, let alone follow them.
At the very least, it would probably take a few extra bullets to bring him down.
Another one to go down would be Mr. Potter.
Admittedly, this wasn’t a fair chance to begin with, as being in a wheelchair is a
huge handicap to begin with.
However, he is also elderly and suffering from polio, so he basically had no chance.
We’re also going to eliminate Walter Hobbs and Frank Shirley here.
Both are only in it for themselves, and it’s clear that they don’t do well under pressure.
As such, as soon as things get serious, they will be the first ones running for the door.
Lastly, we have to see Billy Chapman die here.
With as much Christmas-induced PTSD as he has, simply getting to this game without flying
into a frenzy is going to be a challenge.
And with several characters dressed as Santa already, it’s not a matter of if he loses
his cool, but when.
We’re down to 25 characters – go figure – as we move on next to the Honeycomb challenge.
The Honeycomb challenge requires both a steady hand to trace out the shape of the candy and
the patience to slowly cut out the shape without breaking it.
If a character lacks either of these traits, then they won’t be likely to pass this game.
Those who would pass this game include The Grinch who is both extremely patient and skilled
with a needle, allowing him to easily trace the shape.
Heat Miser would likely pass this one the same way Mi-nyeo does in the actual show:
by heating the needle to melt the candy, even if he can’t use his powers.
And both Jack Frost and the White Witch are incredibly patient immortal beings who would
have no problem taking their time to cut the candy correctly.
On the flipside, the Toy Taker will have to be our first death.
Without his powers or other devices, the Toy Taker is just, well, a teddy bear.
As such, he lacks the ability to properly hold both the candy and the needle necessary
to cut it.
We’re also going to eliminate Meisterburger, Kubla Kraus and Barnaby here.
All three of these men are extremely short-tempered with about as much patience as a spoiled rich
kid asking their parents for a fourth Maserati to crash.
That is to say that we’ll give them about thirty seconds before they each end up smashing
the candy to bits in frustration.
Another death in this round would have to be Oogie Boogie.
Similar to the Toy Taker, Oogie’s burlap body would make holding both the candy and
the needle.
He’s a bit more dexterous than the Toy Taker; however, that’s counteracted and then some
by his general lack of patience, making this game a tough sell.
Lastly, we have to eliminate our first Wet Bandit, Harry.
While both he and his partner Marv have the bare minimum amount of patience to pass this
game normally, we feel there’s one handicap that keeps Harry from making it out of this
one.
That would be the huge burn on his hand, which would again make holding the needle a difficult
and painful experience.
That, coupled with his waning patience, would certainly cost him this game.
We’re down to just 19 contestants already as we move on to our next round: the Midnight
Brawl.
While not an official round, the Midnight Brawl is still a significant enough event
for us to count it.
In this free-for-all, one needs to either have the strength and skill necessary to take
on multiple foes at once, or to have the intelligence and cleverness to be able to hide and wait
it out.
Right off the bat, both Mrs. Krum and Mr. Ellingboe get an immediate pass since they
are certainly no strangers to massive brawls.
While Tammy may be a bit older and frailer, she is also smart enough to be able to avoid
the worst of it anyway.
Aksel’s not as smart, but he’s also in better shape and can more than hold his own
in a fight if need be.
Other standouts include Marv, who would be able to take just about anything here; after
all, what could this cast do to him that would be any worse than what Kevin did to him?
Toy Santa once again uses his artificial body to his advantage, since his rubber face and
plastic tushie makes him basically immune to pain.
Hans Gruber and Jimmy Martinez are also more than at home in the chaos of a brawl, and
would be more than capable of holding their own in a fight, even unarmed.
And Ronald Jones Jr. is especially dangerous here, given his ability to use improvised
weapons to particularly deadly effect.
Unfortunately, the Snow Miser would have to go.
Unlike his brother, Snow Miser is rather scrawny and frail to take a hit, and without his ice
powers, he’s far too weak to stand on his own either.
Add on the fact that his icy aura makes him hard to conceal, and he’s basically doomed
here no matter what.
Another death here would have to be Gretchen Fox.
Asking a Muppet to fight a human is a tough sell even in the best of circumstances, and
Gretchen is certainly not in the best of circumstances.
She’s old and frail, and more than a bit abrasive, which would likely put a large enough
target on her back to keep her from hiding effectively.
For similar reasons, we’ll also have to eliminate Clyde Northcutt.
In addition to not being a fighter in the slightest, Clyde’s bureaucratic nonsense
is sure to get on the nerves of most of the other competitors, which cuts off his ability
to hide effectively.
Just 16 characters left standing as we return to our regularly scheduled program with a
little Tug of War.
While we won’t be assigning characters to specific teams, teamwork is a factor in this
game.
This means that characters will be judged on their ability to work on a team as well
as their strength.
If a character is strong but can’t work on a team, then their survivability goes down
significantly.
Again, Mrs. Krum and Mr. Ellingboe pass this one due to their exceptional teamwork skills.
This might not be the case if they’re on the same team, however even then, they have
been shown to put their differences aside when absolutely necessary.
The White Witch is also capable of working with others, and is also surprisingly strong
even without her powers thanks to her large build.
And Hans Gruber is also a solid mix of being strong, smart and charismatic enough to easily
lead his team to victory.
Sadly, we have to eliminate Ebenezer Scrooge.
Even if we’re generous enough to assume this happens post-haunting and he can actually
work in a team – which honestly, is almost certainly not the case – he is still too
frail and elderly to contribute regardless.
For similar reasons, the Grinch also has to go down.
Barring the niche possibility of his heart suddenly growing three sizes at this very
moment, he’s far too weak and disagreeable to be able to lead his team to victory.
We also see the Heat Miser fall here as well.
In addition to being excessively disagreeable and unable to work with others, he also suffers
for the same reasons that doomed his brother; his extremely hot aura would end up being
a distraction for his team, dragging them all down with him.
Finishing off this round will have to be Marcus Skidmore.
If there’s one consistent thing about Marcus, it’s that he can only work in a team for
so long; as soon as things start to go south, he will try to backstab his teammates, which
will only end up costing him his own life as well.
Only 12 days of Christmas villains left as we move into our next round: a nice relaxing
game of Marbles.
There are many ways to play this one out, but the easiest and most consistent one by
far comes down to manipulation.
If a character is able to manipulate someone into giving them their marbles, then they
have a high chance to survive, Conversely, if a character is easily manipulated, then
they are unlikely to make it past this one.
Professor Hinkle is a magician, so he gets a pass.
He’s not the brightest bulb in the drawer, but his sleight-of-hand skills alone give
him enough of an advantage that he would probably win before he gets tricked himself.
Rudolfa is also incredibly manipulative, being able to get what she wants even without relying
on her magic.
And the White Witch is also a master manipulator, being able to use the desires of others to
have them do her bidding.
Only a few deaths here, starting with Mr. Ellingboe.
To say he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed would be an understatement, as even basic
object permanence seems beyond him at times, so he would be easy pickings for whomever
he goes up against.
Looks like the final score is Krums 1, Ellingboes 0.
Similarly, we also have to eliminate Marv.
If you get your butt handed to you by a child – even a child as creative as Kevin – you
can’t be expected to be all that bright.
Finally, Toy Santa will have to go here.
He is, by far, the youngest character on this list, and his world experience is basically
nil, so he basically has no chance in a game of wits.
Moving on, we get to our penultimate round with the Glass Stepping Stones.
This is the toughest game to figure out, as it is primarily reliant on luck.
However, there are two factors which can potentially allow a character to pass this game.
That being the very niche possibility of being able to spot the tempered glass panes, or,
more likely, the likelihood of choosing a high number.
We’ve got an especially tough this time around considering the size and range of characters
we have left, so we’ll have to make this quick.
The only ones with enough of an ego to fight for a low number would be Mrs. Krum, Jack
Frost, Rudolfa Claus and the White Witch.
Exactly where each of them lands is unclear, but the fact that they all congregate so close
to the top means we can safely eliminate all of them regardless.
As for the remaining five, Professor Hinkle would be next to go.
He’s got more than enough of an ego to want a low number but is too much of a coward to
fight for it.
Still, he would end up taking the low number he can easily get, which is more than enough
to cost him his life.
We also have to eliminate Granville Sawyer here.
While he would likely end up taking a number somewhere in the middle, that’s nowhere
near good enough to ensure survival in this game.
The last three, however, are more likely to intentionally choose a high number to avoid
drawing attention, so this one is an extremely tough call.
In the end, we’re eliminating Jimmy Martinez since he seems the most likely to let his
pride force him to take a slightly lowernumber, but really, it’s still a toss-up.
And with that, we’ve come to our final round, that, of course, being the titular Squid Game.
Compared to the other rounds, this is the most simple and straightforward.
The winner of this game comes down almost exclusively to one-on-one combat.
There’s also the matter of following the rules of the game, though given that we’ve
come this far, that’s not really a problem.
The two who survived to the end of this game are Hans Gruber and Ronald Jones Jr.; a radical
criminal mastermind going up against a vindictive serial killer.
Both have impeccable fighting skills, though in hand-to-hand combat, Ronald has a slight
edge over Hans, due to using melee weapons more often.
However, Hans is also far smarter and more strategic than Ronald, being able to come
up with plans and backup plans on the fly.
Additionally, with nowhere to hide, Ronald loses the element of surprise, which is his
main method of killing his victims, putting them on essentially even footing combat-wise.
So, while it is close, much like in the actual Squid Game, brains come out over brawns and
Ronald Jones Jr. goes down in the final round.
And with that, Hans Gruber is the winner of our seasonal Squid Game.
Not what we expected when we set out to make this list, but with him now being the statistically
best Christmas villain, we suppose this means that the debate on whether Die Hard is a Christmas
movie now has the official WickedBinge seal of approval.
But what do you think?
Do you agree with our list?
Be sure to let us know in the comments and binge our Squid Game playlist where we break
down all your Squid Game content for all your favorite characters.
But most importantly, stay wicked.