YEAH, I'M VERY EXCITED.
WE HAVE FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA ON THE SHOW TOMORROW
NIGHT.
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
I'M SO EXCITED.
THAT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SHE IS MY QUEEN.
SHE IS LIKE THE BEYONCE OF PEOPLE WHO WILL TALK TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO BE A GREAT SHOW.
PLEASE JOIN US.
BUT I'M ALSO REAL EXCITED FOR OUR GUEST TONIGHT.
CHRIS PRATT, SCOTT BAKULA, AND FREDERIK THE GREAT, THE WORLD'S
MOST HANDSOME HORSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: DO YOU FEEL THAT?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THE EXCITEMENT IN THIS ROOM IS PALPABLE.
JIM, CAN WE PUT UP THE COUNTDOWN TO HORSE CLOCK?
(CLIP CLOP, CLIP CLOP, CLIP CLOP)
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE BORROWED THIS
FROM CNN, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN (CLIP CLOP)
OKAY, JIM, CAN PUT THAT IN SILENT MODE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND JUST TO WHET YOUR FREDERIK
APPETITE, HERE'S A LITTLE TASTE: WHY, HELLO THERE.
WOW.
WE'LL HAVE MORE ON FREDERIK THE GREAT, AS THE STORY DEVELOPS.
WELL, WE'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN TALKING ABOUT HANDSOME HORSE AND
TERRORISM TONIGHT, BUT THERE IS SOME DISTURBING NEWS OUT
THERE -- DONALD TRUMP.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ON FRIDAY, TRUMP MADE WHAT HE
CALLED A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: >> PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA WAS
BORN IN THE UNITED STATES.
PERIOD.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED A FIRM GRASP OF THE
OBVIOUS.
( APPLAUSE ) NEXT HE'S GOING TO ANNOUNCE
WATER IS WET, BEARS POOP IN THE WOODS, AND DONALD TRUMP IS NOT
QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M NOT REALLY IRRITATED
ABOUT THAT.
IT'S EVERYTHING ELSE HE SAID ON FRIDAY THAT STICKS IN MY CRAW.
AND I JUST RECENTLY HAD MY CRAW CLEANED.
LISTEN TO THIS.
>> HILLARY CLINTON AND HER CAMPAIGN OF 2008, STARTED THE
BIRTHER CONTROVERSY.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT CLAIM SEEMS SUSPICIOUS.
IF I DIDN'T KNOW BETTER, I'D SAY YOU WERE A-- LITTLE HELP?
>> WORLD CLASS LIAR.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU.
BECAUSE THAT CLAIM HAS BEEN PROVEN FALSE BY POLITICO, CNN,
ABC, NPR, AND "SNAPPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT YOU WERE SAYING.
>> HILLARY CLINTON AND HER CAMPAIGN OF 2008, STARTED THE
BIRTHER CONTROVERSY.
I FINISHED IT.
>> STEPHEN: NO, YOU DIDN'T.
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I KNOW YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE I
WAS ALIVE AND ON TV!
BUT MEMORY'S A TRICKY THING.
MAYBE I REMEMBER IT ONE WAY, AND DONALD TRUMP IS A LIAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH.
NO WAY, RIGHT?
ULTIMATELY, THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW THE TRUTH UNLESS YOU HAVE
VIDEOTAPE, WHICH WE DO.
WHILE WE PLAY THE EVIDENCE, I'M GOING TO DO A LITTLE WHITTLING.
JIM?
>> IF HE WASN'T BORN IN THIS COUNTRY, WHICH IS A REAL
POSSIBILITY -- I'M NOT SAYING IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, I'M SAYING IT'S A
REAL POSSIBILITY -- THEN HE HAS PULLED ONE OF THE GREAT CONS IN
THE HISTORY OF POLITICS.
PEOPLE HAVE BIRTH CERTIFICATES.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
NOW HE MAY HAVE ONE, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ON THAT
BIRTH -- MAYBE RELIGION, MAYBE IT SAYS HE'S A MUSLIM, I DON'T
KNOW.
I'VE BEEN TOLD VERY RECENTLY, ANDERSON, THAT THE BIRTH
CERTIFICATE IS MISSING.
I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT IT'S NOT THERE AND THAT IT DOESN'T EXIST.
AND IF THAT'S THE CASE -- >> WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
>> -- THAT'S A BIG PROBLEM.
I JUST HEARD THAT TWO DAYS AGO FROM SOMEBODY.
>> YOU SAID YOU HAVE SENT INVESTIGATORS TO HAWAII, AND YOU
SAID, "THEY CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE FINDING."
WHAT IF THEY FOUND?
>> WE'RE GOING TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
>> WHAT HAVE THEY FOUND?
>> WELL, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS RIGHT NOW.
AND YOU KNOW, HIS OWN FAMILY DOESN'T KNOW THE HOSPITAL HE WAS
BORN IN, IN HAWAII.
HE'S GOT A GRANDMOTHER THAT SAYS HE WAS BORN IN KENYA AND
SHE WAS THERE!
>> MANY PEOPLE SAY IT IS NOT REAL, OK, THAT IT IS A FORGERY.
WAS THERE A BIRTH CERTIFICATE?
YOU TELL ME.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT WAS NOT HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE.
I'M SAYING I DON'T KNOW.
NOBODY KNOWS.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW EITHER.
>> HIS MOTHER WAS A U.S. CITIZEN BORN IN KANSAS SO IS HE A
NATURAL-BORN CITIZEN?
>> WHO KNOWS, WHO KNOWS.
>> STEPHEN: WOW.
THAT TOOK SO LONG I WAS ABLE TO CARVE RODIN'S "THE THINKER."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
"I'M THINKING HE'S A LIAR."
OH!
WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION, UNSUEABLE INANIMATE
OBJECT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN THE BIGGEST
WHOPPER TRUMP PINCHED OUT.
>> I FINISHED IT.
I FINISHED IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
>> STEPHEN: NO, I DON'T.
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT YOU MEAN.
ONCE AGAIN, YOU ARE...
>> LYIN' L-Y-I-N'.
>> STEPHEN: L-Y -- OKAY.
GOOD TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL THAT.
NOW, YOU MIGHT MEAN, IF I WAS BEING CHARITABLE,
IN 2011, YOU MADE OBAMA RELEASE HIS LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
THEREBY ENDING THE CONTROVERSY.
BUT THAT'S A BIGGER LOAD OF HORSE MANURE THAN THEY JUST
HOSED OUT OF MY THIRD GUEST.
TONIGHT, FREDERIK THE GREAT.
AGAIN, COMING UP IN JUST-- IT'S -- IN QUO'S 40 MINUTES AND 2
SECONDS.
SO BEAUTIFUL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SEE, I WATCH THE NEWS, SO I KNOW
THAT OBAMA RELEASED HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN 2008, BUT THAT
WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.
YOU DEMANDED TO SEE A "LONG FORM" BIRTH CERTIFICATE IN 2011.
AND AFTER OBAMA RELEASED THAT, YOU CALLED IT A FORGERY, CITING
"ISRAELI SCIENCE" AND ANNOUNCED YOU WERE SENDING A
TEAM OF INVESTIGATORS TO HAWAII TO UNCOVER THE TRUTH."
WHO WERE THESE PEOPLE THAT WE NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN?
WERE THEY A FAT CAPTAIN, HIS FIRST MATE, A MOVIE STAR.
AND THE REST?
(PIANO RIFF) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND THEN RIGHT BEFORE THE 2012 ELECTION, YOU ISSUED THIS
CHALLENGE.
>> IF BARACK OBAMA OPENS UP AND GIVES HIS COLLEGE RECORDS AND
APPLICATIONS AND IF HE GIVES HIS PASSPORT APPLICATIONS AND
RECORDS, I WILL GIVE TO THE CHARITY OF HIS CHOICE A CHECK
IMMEDIATELY FOR $5 MILLION.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S A WEIRD THREAT.
"YOU GOT A NICE PLACE HERE, I'D HATE TO SEE SOMETHING HAPPEN TO
IT, LIKE ME GIVING $5 MILLION TO THE MARCH OF DIMES."
I REMEMBER THIS ONE LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY BECAUSE, BACK THEN, I
HAD A SUPER PAC FULL OF SECRET CAMPAIGN CASH.
AND "I" OFFERED TO DONATE $1 MILLION TO THE CHARITY OF
YOUR CHOICE, IF YOU, DONALD TRUMP, WOULD LET ME DIP MY
(BLEEP) IN YOUR (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH, OH!
>> Stephen: I'M GUESSING THAT IS GOING TO BE BLEEPED BY CBS.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT I
JUST SAID, GO TO COMEDY CENTRAL'S WEB SITE, I THINK IT'S
THE OCTOBER 24th, 2012 SHOW, LOOK IT UP AND YOU WILL HEAR
WHAT I SAID.
IT WAS A PRETTY FUN SHOW.
NOW, FOR SOME REASON, DONALD, YOU DID NOT TAKE THE DEAL.
I'M GOING TO GUESS BECAUSE YOUR (BLEEP) WAS ALREADY FULL OF
VLADIMIR PUTIN'S (BLEEP).
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIKE CAVIAR!
LIKE CAVIAR!
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LET'S TAKE ONE LAST LOOK AT
WHAT YOU SAID ON FRIDAY.
>> PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA WAS BORN IN THE UNITED STATES.
PERIOD.
>> STEPHEN: NO, NOT PERIOD.
QUESTION MARK! "(BLEEP) YOU" EXCLAMATION POINT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
HERE'S THE DEAL!
YOU DON'T GET TO FLOG THIS ISSUE FOR FIVE YEARS AND THEN ACT LIKE
YOU'RE CORRECTING EVERYBODY ELSE!
WE'RE NOT CRAZY.
WE WERE THERE!
WE ALL SAW YOU DO IT.
EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT YOU SAW YOU DO IT.
IT'S "WHY" THEY SUPPORT YOU.
BY THE WAY, NOW THAT YOU'VE ADMITTED THAT THE PRESIDENT WAS
BORN HERE, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK YOU OWE OBAMA A $5 MILLION
DONATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HE'S PROBABLY WAITING ON THAT
CHECK RIGHT NOW.
YOU KNOW, LIKE MOST OF YOUR CONTRACTORS.
OF COURSE, YOU PROBABLY WON'T MAKE GOOD ON THIS BECAUSE THE
"OTHER" OTHER THING YOU LIE ABOUT IS GIVING MONEY TO
CHARITY.
IT'S ESTIMATED THAT A $5 MILLION GIFT FROM TRUMP'S OWN POCKET NOW
WOULD BE MORE THAN THE GOP NOMINEE HAS GIVEN TO CHARITY IN
THE LAST 20 YEARS, COMBINED.
WELL, THAT IS EMBARRASSING.
SO, MR. TRUMP, NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR
MOUTH IS -- OR, BARRING THAT, THERE'S ALWAYS MY (BLEEP).