FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN WHOSE SPECIAL,
"BOTHERING JESUS," IS ON NETFLIX.
PLEASE WELCOME, KATHLEEN MADIGAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WOW!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
WOW!
THANK YOU!
WOO.
THAT'S MORE THAN I EXPECTED.
THANK YOU.
SO, IT'S NICE TO BE HERE.
THIS IS A FUN NIGHT.
I JUST GOT BACK.
I DID A BUNCH OF SHOWS IN CANADA.
AND-- YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT, CANADA!
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
AND IT WAS REFRESHING BECAUSE I GOT TO WATCH THEIR NEWS INSTEAD
OF OUR NEWS.
AND HERE'S THE GREATEST THING-- THEIR LEADER, JUSTIN TRUDEAU
IS-- YEAH.
HE'S 46 YEARS OLD.
AND I THOUGHT, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S A GOOD AGE, BECAUSE HE'S YOUNG.
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A DEMOCRAT OR
REPUBLICAN, BUT I THINK THE PEOPLE GOVERNING US IN THIS
COUNTRY, THE AGE IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL.
I THINK EVERYBODY IS A LITTLE TOO OLD.
I MEAN, TRUMP YOU GO, WELL, HE'S 72.
EH.
NANCY PELOSI-- I DON'T KNOW HOW OLD SHE IS, BUT I KNOW HER TEETH
DON'T FIT RIGHT.
I KNOW THAT.
HI, IT'S ME NANCY.
( SLURRING ) I'M COMPLETELY CRAZY.
LET'S TALK ABOUT INSURANCE.
DIANNE FEINSTEIN IS 85.
ORRIN HATCH IS 84 AND IS THINKING ABOUT RUNNING AGAIN.
NO, PA-PA.
NO.
YOU'RE DONE.
YOU GO HOME NOW.
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO WHEN THEY'RE 84.
YOU DON'T GET TO RUN AGAIN.
AT ONE POINT HE TOOK IMAGINARY GLASSES OFF OF HIS HEAD AND
RETURNED THEM TO HIS HEAD.
OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE OUT NOW.
THAT'S IT.
YOU'RE OUT.
LITERALLY, WE ARE BEING GOVERNED BY A FLORIDA BRIDGE CLUB, AND
NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I AM NOT SAYING OLD PEOPLE
DON'T HAVE VALUE.
THEY DO.
I MEAN, MY PARENTS ARE IN THEIR 70s, AND THEY'RE SMART, IS AND
THEY'RE FUN.
BUT I CAN ALSO TELL FRUHANGING OUT WITH MY PARENTS WHO ARE IN
THEIR 70s THAT OLDER PEOPLE HAVE REALLY GOOD HOURS, NOT
WHOLE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY ARE NOT STRINGING IT
TOGETHER ANYMORE.
LIKE, FROM 10:00 TO 2:00, MY PARENTS ARE ON FIRE.
SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE.
YOU CAN-- YOU CAN CALL THEM.
THEY KNOW WHO'S CALLING.
THEY KNOW-- THEY HAVE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS.
BUT AFTER 2:00, THEY MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW WHERE THEIR VEHICLE IS.
I--
I JUST-- I THINK-- AND THE PROBLEM IS, WHEN YOU HAVE OLD
PEOPLE GOVERNING YOU, YOU HAVE OLD-PEOPLE IDEAS.
WHAT WAS ONE OF TRUMP'S BIG IDEAS?
HE'S STILL SAYING IT AT RALLIES.
"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO?
I'M GOING TO BRING BACK COAL MEANING.
IT'S GOING TO BE AWESOME.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE, LIKE, MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF COAL
MINING JOBS.
YOUNG PEOPLE ARE GOING TO LOVE ME FOR THAT."
YOU KNOW WHY YOU THINK THAT, PAW-PAW?
BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD.
THAT'S WHY YOU THINK THAT.
'CAUSE, 'CAUSE--
YEAH.
BECAUSE I HAVE MET 20 ZILLION MILLENNIALS ON THE ROAD, AND I
HAVE NOT YET MET ONE THAT I THINK WOULD BE EXCITED TO BE A
COAL MINER.
NOR SHOULD THEY BE EXCITED.
I WOULD GIVE EVERYTHING I MAKE IN A WEEK JUST TO SEE THEIR
REACTION TO THE ACTUAL JOB DESCRIPTION OF COAL MINING.
STANDING THERE WITH THEIR PHONES GOING, "WAIT, WHAT?
YOU WANT ME TO GET IN A ROLLER COASTER, IN THE DAY TIME, AND GO
IN THE EARTH TO GET ROCKS?
WELL, WILL MY PHONE WORK DOWN THERE, BECAUSE I WON'T DO IT IF
I CAN'T SNAPCHAT.
THAT'S MY DEAL BREAKER.
I WON'T DO IT."
AND THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MILLENNIALS.
THEY WON'T DO IT.
THEY SET A BAR, WHETHER IT'S SMART OR DUMB, THEY DO IT.
YOU COULD-- YOU COULD TELL THEM, "LOOK, IF YOU DON'T GO IN THE
EARTH AND GET THE ROCKS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE ANY HEAT."
THEY'LL GO, "THAT'S OKAY, I HAVE AN APP FOR THAT.
I'LL JUST SLEEP WITH MY PARENTS.
THEY'RE SUPER WARM.
I REALLY LIKE THEM.
THEY'RE GREAT PEOPLE."
I'M TIRED OF THE OLD-PEOPLE IDEAS.
I'M SICK OF IT.
JEFF SESSIONS, THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES, I
DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW OLD HE IS BECAUSE I THINK HE'S FROM "LORD
OF THE RINGS" WHICH MAKES HIM A TURTLE.
BUT HERE'S HIS BIGGEST CONCERN CONCERN "MY BIGGEST CONCERN IN
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS CRACKING DOWN ON MARIJUANA."
POT?
( LAUGHTER ) THE STORES ARE OPEN, PAW-PAW.
( APPLAUSE ) THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.
( APPLAUSE ) AND I'M NOT EVEN A POT PERSON.
I COULD CARE LESS.
I JUST-- IT'S NOT MY THING.
BUT THE ARGUMENT AGAINST IT IS WHAT I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS SO
RIDICULOUS BECAUSE IT'S JUST HYSTERICAL, USUALLY.
IT'S USUALLY AN OLD PERSON ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE LOSING
THEIR MIND ABOUT LEGALIZING POT.
"YOU CAN'T LEGALIZE MARIJUANA.
IT IS A GATEWAY DRUG.
IF YOU SMOKE MARIJUANA, THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU WILL BE
SHOOTING HEROIN IN A CRACK HOUSE IN CLEVELAND WITH A DOG NAMED
BANJO YOU DIDN'T EVEN ADOPT."
WHAT?
THAT'S CRAZY!
WHO-- AND YOUR PREMISE IS TERRIBLE.
THAT IS A HORRIBLE ARGUMENT BECAUSE THE PREMISE IS BAD.
YOU CAN'T SAY EVERYTHING IS A GATEWAY TO EVERYTHING ELSE.
THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
WHEN YOU WERE FIVE AND YOU STOLE A CANDY BAR AND YOU ATE IT AND
IT WAS DELICIOUS, WAS YOUR NEXT THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GONNA KILL A DRIFTER"?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HER LIVE ON THE NATIONAL "BOXED WINE AND
BIGFOOT" STAND-UP TOUR.
KATHLEEN MADIGAN, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.