• How many toys can be unintentionally shaped like penises?
What kids toy comes with toy bags of meth that can be exchanged for toy bags of money?
From the inappropriate to the downright dangerous, here are 15 of the weirdest kids toys you
can find.
15 – Pole Dancer Dolls • In what is basically the natural evolution
of Bratz dolls, here is a doll that is literally just a stripper.
• Well, okay.
She's a pole dancer, technically.
And it's true, pole dancers and strippers aren't COMPLETELY overlapped.
• But still.
It's a pole dancer.
And a child.
It's a child pole dancer.
And it's FOR children.
This may not be the best possible role model.
14 – The Breast Milk Baby • This is a doll that literally breast feeds.
• The doll makes suckling noises when brought close to sewn-in sensors near the nipple area
of a shirt.
• Also, those sensors are actually filled with liquid, so the baby can actually breast
feed.
• The result is a doll that actually breast-feeds on a small child.
13 – Two Finger Squirter • Realistically, this is just a squirt gun
shaped like someone making a two-finger gun.
• That, in itself, isn't weird at all.
But calling it the “two finger squirter” makes you realize it actually looks like a...
well... a two finger squirter.
• Like... the X-rated kind.
12 – Breaking Bad Dolls • Breaking Bad is a show about a high school
chemistry teacher who cooks and deals meth to pay his medical bills.
• So basically, Walter White is about as good a role model as those pole dancers.
• Still, Toys R Us carried a set of Breaking Bad dolls that came complete with detachable
bags of meth and cash.
That way, kids could get the FULL drug-dealing experience.
11 – The Avenging Unicorn • Unicorn are majestic mythical creatures
associated with innocence and purity.
• But not the AVENGING Unicorn.
This unicorn impales his enemies on his horn.
And apparently one of his enemies is a mime?
10 – Control Toys • This might be the most thoroughly disturbing
set of “toys” you'll find.
• Because they're not really so much “toys,” so much as they are tools for stressed out
parents to abuse their children.
• The good news is, these aren't real.
They're mock-ups to promote the TV show “Super Nanny” in Brazil.
So the “lovely straight jacket and “funny cage” are just sarcastic ways to point out
how NOT to educate children.
9 – Realistic Foam Dart Gun • The really dangerous thing about this
form dart gun isn't what it does – it's what everyone else does when they see it.
• Sure, there's a tiny little orange tip at the end to show that the gun isn't real.
• But view it from anything but the absolute perfect angle, and it's basically a perfect
excuse for someone to pull the “self defense” card to explain why they just shot a 10-year-old.
8 – Dora Aquapet • There's not much to say here.
This is Dora the Explorer, trapped in some sort of unnecessarily phallic tube.
• She looks extremely excited to be there.
7 – Twin Tower Toy • Some poor candy company in Florida decided
it would be a good idea to pack in some cheap toys with his candies.
• But he didn't really pay attention to what he was getting before sending out thousands
of toys depicting a plane flying into a pair of towers.
• And in case you thought it was just an unfortunate mistake – the toy's product
number is 9011.
6 – Titanic Slide (not a toy per se but it’s terrible)
• This gigantic inflatable slide, to its credit, looks pretty fun.
• But it's also a sinking Titanic, and that's kinda not cool.
In fact, the slide is actually called the “Titanic Sinker.”
• It's probably meant to emulate the scene from the movie, in which people slid down
the deck of the boat as it sunk.
And DIED. 5 – Mickey Mouse Microphone
• There's so much wrong with this, it's hard to know where to start.
• OK, no it isn't.
It looks like a big Mickey Mouse dildo.
There's where we start.
• But even if we were to put that aside, it also kind of looks like someone just smashed
the top half of Mickey Mouse into a tube.
Like a sausage.
• Or a dildo, basically.
4 – Daddy Saddle • Kids often ask their parents for a horsey
ride, but apparently some kids want that a LOT more than others.
• For those kids, there's the Daddy Saddle, which is literally just a saddle for a human
being.
• And the company would like you to know it is also great for moms!
3 – Play-Doh Cake Mountain • Somehow, an entire team of designers,
marketers, and factory workers created this Play-Doh set and put it on store shelves,
and nobody ever noticed that there was a giant hollow penis in the set.
• It was a cake decorating set, and there's a very good chance that the big plastic dildo
was actually supposed to be for Play-Doh icing or something.
• But if that's what they wanted it to be, they probably should have tried not to make
it such a penis.
2 – Oreo Fun Barbie • Corporate branding is nothing new, so
to see a version of Barbie that basically advertises Oreo cookies really isn't shocking.
• What is, however, a bit surprising, is that the doll was dark-skinned.
• And “Oreo” is a racial slur for someone who is considered “black on the outside,
but white on the inside.”
1 – The Punisher • The Punisher is already not a great toy
for kids.
His whole thing is to brutally murder everyone even loosely associated with crime, in the
most torturous, graphically violent way possible.
• But someone decided that not only should the Punisher be marketed to kids, but that
he should be crossed-up with a Transformer so that he has a giant dick gun, which transforms
into a giant ass gun.
• That's not even a joke or an exaggeration.
That's literally what this toy is.