Good evening.
I'm James Smartwood and I listen to Ryan Reynolds movies on the treadmill.
We come to you tonight as the battle for the bulbous, deformed pig heart
of the Republican Party rages on between eulogist with a hard out
Donald Trump and Florida governor who buys his suits at the Container Store,
Ron DeSantis. A new poll shows Trump barely ahead by the skin of his teeth,
a 26 point lead over DeSantis, Mike Pence, Nikki Haley
and the rest of the future Fox News greenroom barnacles pulled
in the single digits. As we speak,
Trump is huddling with advisers, horse teeth, real estate developers and Belarus
honey pots to fine tune his attacks on DeSantis. In recent weeks,
Trump has repeatedly quizzed some of those close to him.
“What else do we have on Iran?
One area which Trump and his allies smell
that kind of weakness into Santos is on Social Security”
A genius move by Trump there to remember that seniors need government support
once their kids lose contact because the QAnon stuff is just too much.
Meanwhile, Governor DeSantis is trying to bury in the same hole
as his years of sycophantic Trump endorsements in advanced placement
African-American studies pilot program in Florida high schools.
“This course on Black History. What are one,
What's one of the lessons about?
Queer theory. That is somebody pushing an agenda on our kids.
And so when you look to see they have stuff about intersectionality,
abolishing prisons, that's a political agenda.
God forbid Florida students are exposed to ivory tower ideas at risk, turning
them into radical ultra left Ivy Leaguers like Yale and Harvard grad Ron DeSantis.
Joining me now to jog out to the News Beach with our scoop sports
slick with fact wax and right some gnarly truth pipes
until we slam skull first into the Pulitzer
Getty is Democratic strategist quickly removing adviser at the defaulter group
from her resume, Lydia Parker.
Good evening.
Chief Washington bureau chief and future lumberjack games fatality,
Jonathan Keene.
James.
Chief field correspondent,who thinks rain boots that aren't yellow sren't official, James Smartwood Jr.
Hey, Dad.
Plus CBS News chief Washington correspondent and Hallmark Channel blue
collar dad who just wants his big city daughter to be happy.
Major Garrett.
Always a pleasure.
Absolutely. Now Major, how many more discriminatory policy
should Ron DeSantis support to gain favor in the Republican primary before Trump
calls him ‘DumbSantis' one time and craters his political career forever?
Ron DeSantis has made himself the alternative to former President Trump
by doing one thing, and his advisors believe it shrewd,
choose enemies wisely.
And right now his enemy is the education bureaucracy, the woke establishment,
such as it is, and anyone else who fits in that general description
of elitists or educators
who don't really want to bring education as he defines it, to Florida children.
People say DeSantis lacks charisma, but critical Florida voters are riveted
when he's on TV. Mostly because they're watching from condos,
which may collapse at any second.
Now clearly, Republicans have learned from the midterms
that the American majority is craving culture war red meat
that gets them thinking, good God, these people are insane.
Sure, there was a lot of heat around Jeb Bush in 2016 and Trump destroyed him.
But keep in mind, DeSantis has a far more grating personality.
It's a good point. Thank you.
Now obviously, if DeSantis and other contenders
want to beat Trump in the Republican primary,
they will need to access the deep, dark depths of human depravity.
Here to discuss is Magister Bill of the Church of Satan.
Thank you so much for joining us, Magister.
Thank you for having me.
Of course.
Now, Magister, how does DeSantis and other primary hopefuls
unlock the carnal beast necessary to win a plurality of Republican support?
Well, Satanism is about the individual,
not the collective, about getting what you want.
So if you can do something that it is in in my own shameless
self-interest, my own selfishness, then,
Huh.
Yeah, I'll give you a vote.
Now, Major, we just heard compelling advice from the Church of Satan here.
My question is, is Satanism too moderate for today's Republican Party?
Good question.
I haven't seen that put through a focus group or a poll yet.
We get some results on that,
maybe I'll have a more informed opinion.
That's a dodge.
100%.
You know,
I will say this fellow from the Church of Satan is making a lot of good points.
Gratification is king, and desire is prince.
Here we go.
Of course, this would happen.
Magister, where does Satan fall on the debt ceiling?
Well, we don't have any economic principles that apply to the whole nation.
It's about the individual, not the collective.
But you should, I think, certainly strive
to make a comfortable living for yourself and protect your finances.
This guy's speaking my language.
Yeah. I mean, I'm in too. I'm all in. It sounds pretty good.
I'm opting out of the covent tonight. You guys are missing out, it's pretty sweet.
You've been in it for, like, maybe one second.
Best second of my life.
Now moving on,
also flirting with a run for president
is Mike "least memorable member of the refrigerator sales team"
Pompeo in his new vanity project,
‘Never give an Inch: Fighting for the America I Love.'
Available in bookstores now.
He appears unable to bury the hatchet with a man already
buried, downplaying the murder of Jamal Khashoggi.
He writes that media made Khashoggi out to be a Saudi Arabian.
Bob Woodward, who was murdered for bravely criticizing
the Saudi royal family through his opinion articles in The Washington Post.
In truth, Khashoggi was an activist
who had supported the losing team in a recent fight for the throne.
Major, do you think Pompeo can capture the Republican vote by attacking Khashoggi,
or should he go after someone else beloved like Jennifer Coolidge?
Well, Secretary Pompeo is doing what Republicans who fancy themselves
as a potential successor to former President Trump feel
they must do, which is find ways to be outrageous and strident
and Trumpian that even Trump hasn't tried.
Now, as we all know, Mike Pompeo's book is a cultural phenomenon
on the scale of the Harry Potter series generating record breaking crowds.
Let's call a bookstore now to see how they're handling Pompeo fever
Hey there.
It's James Smartwood.
Look, I know it's crazy over there, so thank you so much for taking some time
to take the call.
Obviously, you know what book I'm looking for.
‘Never give an Inch: Fighting for the America I Love' by Mike Pompeo.
Please, uh, just can you tell me you have some copies?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I saw some come in this morning.
Let me walk over here.
Okay, great.
Are you heading down tonight?
My plan was to get there as soon as possible.
I was actually even exploring taking a helicopter.
Yeah, I am looking at it right now. So if you,
if you come tonight or even tomorrow morning, we'll have it for you.
Thank God. I'm begging you,
just set one aside for me.
Stand over with a bat
if you have to.
Now, if by the time I get there, it's gone.
Because you've been, you know, just, like, torn to shreds.
What time does the armored vehicle arrive with more copies?
I'm honestly not predicting we're going to sell a lot of once.
You should be fine.
Okay, great.
Now, what?
You're looking at that book right now.
Are you sure it's not it's not some kind of mirage or...
you're touching with your hands.
Yes, I can physically touch it.
I see. Now, no spoilers, but I just
I have to ask in the book, does Pompeo talk about how the lessons of
Kansas never left him?
I have just been, just been dying to know.
I haven't cracked it myself.
So I don't know what he gets into in this.
All right. Don't spoil.
Forget it.
You know, before we let you go, any books on, satan?
What? Uh Keene, why would you.
Oh, just, you know, we're talking to him.
Do you have any books on Satan?
For, half my staff here is converted to Satanism.
I'm sure we got a couple of those floating around.
Oh, okay, cool.
Now we're talking.