Let's kick it off with something fun.
Cab drivers in New York are used to seeing
some crazy things happen in their backseats,
but this next story is easily at the top of the list.
REPORTER: A livery cab driver in Brooklyn
could moonlight as a midwife after helping a couple
welcome their baby girl into the world
right there in his car.
REPORTER 2: Luis Leonardo couldn't predict the drama
that unfolded in his backseat.
Picked up two and dropped off three.
Simple as that. (chuckles)
Cameras were recording, as they always do,
when he picked up a couple earlier this month in Bushwick,
the woman in labor.
(shouting)
And with the baby breathing,
the couple wrapped her in a blanket,
and Luis kept on driving.
"Damn!"
(laughs)
You do realize that was the first word that baby heard.
"Damn!"
And I hope the parents give that guy five stars,
because I'm just happy when my driver offers me, like,
a mint and a phone charger.
This guy was cutting umbilical cords.
And even though this might not have been the ideal plan
for these parents, you have to admit,
after being born in a cab,
that kid can handle anything in life,
unlike those other babies that are born in, like,
a bathtub while Enya is playing in the background.
Just come out like, "Wah, I'm allergic to gluten.
Wah."
This is a real baby.
The only thing that taxi baby's gonna be allergic to
is people who drive (bleep) slow!
"I'm crawlin' over here!
What's wrong with-- What are you, a baby?!"
(cheering and applause)
But let's move on.
Because if you think a baby being born in a backseat
is the weirdest procreation story you'll hear all week,
you might want to think again.
There's been some new and disturbing reporting
this morning on accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein,
first from The New York Times,
that he believed he could improve the population
of the world by seeding the human race with his DNA.
REPORTER: Epstein owns a sprawling ranch in New Mexico.
According to a new report,
he wanted to use the ranch for controlled breeding,
using his DNA to improve humanity.
The article reports Epstein surrounded himself
with leading scientists and would tell them
he wanted to have 20 women impregnated at a time
on the ranch.
Okay, first off,
Jeffrey Epstein's sperm ranch is by far
the worst flavor of salad dressing I've ever heard of.
And, secondly,
why is it that the people who want to spread their DNA
are always the last people who should be spreading their DNA?
(applause)
Always.
(cheering and applause)
Because...
because nobody...
nobody's ever l-- ever looked at Jeffrey Epstein
and been like, "Yeah, we need 20 million more of this guy.
That's what we..." Yeah.
Like, how come Idris Elba doesn't have a sex ranch, huh?
-(cheering) -Yeah. I'd go.
I'd go.
Yeah. And don't say, "Oh, Trevor,
Idris Elba can't get a man pregnant."
Well, I'm willing to find out.
In other news, if I was to ask you in the audience,
"What's the biggest problem you think
the American government should solve right now?,"
what would you say? Anyone?
-(audience shouting suggestions) -Climate?
Health care? Trump?
Ah, well, you're all wrong.
But if you said "Instagram,"
then the Senate has got your back.
A new Senate bill may ultimately affect how much you spend
when it comes to time on social media.
It's called "the Social Media
Addiction Reduction Technology Act,"
or "SMART Act" for short.
As the name suggests, it is being introduced
to fight social media addiction.
To do this, the bill will crack down on practices
used by social network sites to keep you online longer.
And that includes features like infinite scroll
for news feeds and auto play for videos.
That's right. A Republican senator is proposing a new law
to try and curb social media addiction.
And you have to admit that it is becoming a real problem.
Social media is messing with our brains.
Like yesterday, my buddy told me something that I liked,
and I just tapped her twice on the forehead.
It's a problem.
(laughter)
Now, the senator's bill has suggested a few things,
like limits for apps,
you know, like how much time you can spend on them,
which is fine, but I've got a few suggestions
that I think would be way more effective.
Like, I was thinking, how about for every half hour
you spend scrolling online,
your phone automatically tweets out a picture
of what you look like
while you're spending all that time scrolling.
That's what that should be.
-(laughter, applause, cheering) -Huh?
Or here's another thing.
If you want to get people off Instagram,
we'll make a new feature where we say,
every seventh picture on your feed has to be a seminude photo
-of both of your parents. Yeah. -(audience groaning)
Ah! Yeah, you see, you're logging off already. Yeah.
And I know what you're thinking. You're like,
"I don't have any seminude photos of my parents."
Well, I do. I'll send them to you.
(laughter, groaning)
And finally, in other news,
here's one pretty big story that got buried
because of the presidential Democratic debates.
And it's a story about an American president
who is racist.
And, no, it's not the one you're thinking of.
Some surprising audio recordings have surfaced
of a phone conversation nearly a half century ago
between President Richard Nixon
and future president Ronald Reagan.
WOMAN 2: President Richard Nixon recorded himself
talking to then California governor Ronald Reagan
in October, 1971,
the day after the United Nations voted
to recognize the People's Republic of China.
Reagan had phoned Nixon at the White House
to vent his frustration
at African delegates who celebrated the vote.
(laughing on recording)
WOMAN 2: The Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation said,
"If he said that 50 years ago, he shouldn't have,
and he would be the first person to apologize."
He would be the first person to...?
He should be the only person to apologize.
What does that mean? It would be weird if we was like,
"Well, I'll apologize,
but only if those monkeys apologize first."
What a strange thing to say.
Also they're like, "If he said." There's a recording!
He said the thing!
So now that that recording has come out,
Ronald Reagan will have to be canceled,
which is gonna be hard, because life canceled him first.
You know? Oh, it takes a lot of work to cancel a dead person.
You got to hold a séance, summon their spirit back from the dead.
Be like, "Ronald Reagan, we have called you back
to tell you 'Bye, Felicia.'"
(laughter)
So now, because of these newly-released tapes,
Ronald Reagan officially has a racist asterisk
next to his name, as do many former presidents.
Woodrow Wilson was a segregationist.
Andrew Jackson wiped out Native Americans.
Thomas Jefferson had sex with his slaves.
And George H.W. Bush shot Tupac.
Yeah, I said it. Prove me wrong.
(laughter)
So, on the one hand, it is disturbing
that America has a history of racist presidents,
but look on the bright side. It also means
that Donald Trump is more presidential than we thought.