- So I'm pretty familiar with cameras,
but last week I got closer to a camera
than I have ever been before,
as I had one shoved up my butt.
And when I say up my butt, I mean all the way up my butt.
Thought I'd just get to the point, okay?
This isn't something I normally talk about
as it is mildly embarrassing,
but I am talking about it because of that reason,
because I don't want anyone out there
to be too embarrassed to go to a doctor
or get checked out if they are having
a similar issue to what I had.
Before I start the story, I just wanna say spoiler alert,
I'm fine, I'm okay.
I don't want you guys to worry.
So let's rewind.
Why'd you have a camera up your ass, Phil?
Well, this all started a month ago or so, I think.
Time has no meaning at the moment.
I'm not sure when it was.
It was when the world got the horrifying news
that Chadwick Bozeman had passed away,
which I think all of us really hard.
And I was watching a news report about it
and they listed all of the symptoms that someone
might have if they have suspected colon cancer.
Not necessarily saying if you've got
one of those symptoms you have cancer,
but it's a warning sign you might wanna get checked out.
And I was watching it and I was like hang on,
I've got two, maybe three of those symptoms.
So first I was slightly denial ish,
like I'm fine, human bodies are weird.
Maybe I accidentally inhaled a bee in my sleep
and it's been stinging my intestines
and that's why I'm getting so many cramps.
But it didn't go away.
So the first thing, obviously, what do you do?
You go to Google, which says you are dying,
you are already dead, you died yesterday.
So that didn't help with my sleep,
which also spurred me on to make a doctor's appointment.
But, wonders of modern technology,
I spoke to my doctor over Zoom and explained my symptoms,
didn't have to show my butt on the camera,
it was just a chat.
She just referred me to a butt specialist.
I can't actually remember the doctory term for it,
but butt specialist sounds pretty cool.
So a few days later I got to the doctors
and I made peace with the fact that this was
probably gonna be the Phil ass reveal situation.
But, what put me at ease is there was
about eight other people all in the waiting room.
So my butt was just gonna be another number
in a sea of butts.
I was not gonna be memorable to this person.
Also added bonus, we were both wearing masks,
so I was basically a disguised ninja
that was gonna pull his pants down.
So I sat down with the doc, explained my symptoms,
he gave a few nods, concerned eyebrows,
and he said, "Right, let's have a look."
So he said, "Go behind the curtain,
pull your pants around your ankles,
lie on the bed, facing the wall."
So me lacking any sense of direction,
first thing I do is face the wrong wall,
and then I realized he's not gonna have a view
that he needs to have.
Then he's like, "Okay, you ready?"
I'm like, "No, wait a second.
I'm just adjusting my pants."
So I face the correct wall this time, butt out to the room,
and the doctor we walked in and for some reason,
at that moment, everything that was in my pockets
set off a chain reaction and just dropped onto the floor.
I don't know how I had so much stuff in my pocket,
but it was like a pen, seven coins, my phone, my AirPods.
They was just making a waterfall of sound.
And I thought it was over, and then one coin just went ping.
So I broke the ice and said, "You know what?
You can keep all that."
So first examination was just a little bit up the butt,
which was fine, it took about 30 seconds.
And he said he couldn't see anything
and it all looked normal.
So the doctor left the room,
I frantically picked up my 7,000 things off the floor.
So I was like, phew, okay, I'm done.
This ordeal is over.
And then we sat back down and he said,
"Mr. Lester, I'd like to do a colonoscopy just to be sure."
Anything with the word oscopy at the end is not my fave.
So I was a little bit scared.
He did say, "At your age it's probably nothing,
but I just wanna make sure."
I thought I was just gonna go in the next room
and they were gonna get a bigger camera,
but apparently a colonoscopy involves
a whole hospital situation.
And three days before it,
you have to do something called the prep,
which was a new concept to me.
So apparently the average colon is five feet long.
I'm guessing mine's longer cause I'm a fricking giant.
And they need you to fully clear out your system
so the camera can get a good look around.
So for two days I had to follow a very boring diet
which was basically just clear or white foods.
And then for about 36 hours I couldn't eat anything,
which, if you know me,
was the biggest challenge I have faced.
That night I was dreaming of bagels
with tiny hands just caressing my mouth.
Alongside that I had to take a prep drink,
which basically flushes your entire system out.
And I've gotta be honest, that was not the funnest time.
I gave it a Google and loads of people
said it tasted disgusting because it was so sweet.
But thankfully, being captain sweet tooth,
it didn't actually taste that bad.
It just stated like extreme fake lemon,
which I could handle.
Anyway, got all out of the way,
and I arrived at the hospital, got a room,
they gave me some little hot pants to wear
and then a blackless hospital gown.
That was when I made my second
directional error of this adventure,
because I didn't realize there was a butt slit,
a privacy screen, as it were.
It's basically there so the doctor can do the procedure
without you having to have your whole ass on display.
Guess what I did?
I put the slit...
I need to stop saying slit.
I put the shorts the wrong way round,
so things could have been exposed
that I didn't wanna be exposed.
And then when the doctor went to get to the butt,
there would've been some shorts there.
Anyway, thankfully I realized before the nurse came in
and quickly did a whole switch-a-roo.
And I was ready to go.
Now, in different countries they do colonoscopies
in different ways.
I think in America they do it under general anesthetic,
but in the UK, it's either with sedation
or they just go straight in with nothing.
They said because it was my first time
they would recommend a light sedation,
which I'd be aware of everything that was happening,
but I would be in a very calm, relaxed state.
I thought, you know what, after this year,
sign me up half an hour of light sedation.
That sounds ideal.
So I went into the room where the procedure happens
and I thought he'd be looking at a little screen
through a scope.
But there was a frickin 60 inch flat screen TV on the wall
right next to the bed that I was lying on.
So I was gonna have a front row cinema seat
to this entire thing.
Anyway, they got me ready with the sedation.
They asked me if I was allergic to anything.
I said I didn't think they'd be rubbing any cats on my butt,
which made them laugh.
So I was laid down on my side again,
butt slit in the right place.
And then the weirdest thing,
the sedative started to settle into me
and I've never felt so awake yet so asleep at the same time.
I was really focused on this TV screen,
but I've got no memory of him putting the camera in.
I've got no memory of any pain or discomfort.
I was kind of just in a floaty state of half awakeness.
But I do remember just staring at the screen
and being mesmerized by what was happening.
Like I was watching some kind of medical TV show
but I was in it and it was me and it was in me.
And I remember saying to the doctor,
which seemed like a perfectly normal thing
to say at the time,
"Wow, that tunnel would make such a fun Mario Kart course."
(laughing)
And I think the doctor was like, "Yeah, mate.
Reduce the sedative a bit."
I also know that I kept just saying wow.
Like it was some kind of amazing scientific discovery.
I don't know.
It was weird.
I mean, it's kind of trippy seeing your internal organs
on a TV screen.
So it honestly felt like five minutes had passed
when the doctor was like all done, everything looks great,
but it turned out I'd been there for 40 minutes.
So I must've been just drifting in and out of consciousness
and not even realizing that was happening.
And then it was all over and like a beacon
of hope and destiny, in my hospital bedroom,
they had left me a cup of tea
and the biggest cookie you'd ever seen.
I'm not exaggerating, but after so long with no food,
this was literally the best cookie I've ever eaten.
It was like the sweetest nectar sent from Jesus.
Anyway, I had my cookie revelation.
The doctors told me everything looked normal
so I should not worry but he'd taken some biopsies
just to make a hundred percent sure everything was fine.
Obviously unhelpfully my brain just goes
well, I guess I'm dying, as with everything like this.
But after a few days I got a phone call about my results
and they were completely clear.
Everything was normal.
Sigh of relief.
I was fine.
She said my symptoms could have been
related to a new food intolerance.
So I've just got to keep an eye on what I'm eating.
And if I do start feeling crappy again
I can write a note of what it was
and we might be able to figure it out.
But generally I'm feeling a lot better now,
so I'm in the all clear, which was definitely good to hear.
That rhymed.
The whole scare was a bit scary.
I'm not gonna lie.
But I'm glad I got it checked out
and I'm obviously happy that everything is okay.
As I said, I made this video because I did have
that awkward, embarrassing,
I don't wanna see the doctor about this feeling.
But that is such a dangerous mindset to have.
So if you've got any problems with your butt,
with your boob, with your balls, anything like that,
the doctor has seen hundreds of them every month
and does not care.
They're not embarrassed.
There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
And if you are feeling embarrassed,
you can just tell the doctor you're embarrassed about it
and that would break the ice anyway.
So I know not everyone has the privilege
of seeing a doctor for free, like I do,
but if you can and you are worried
about something embarrassing
and you don't wanna see a doctor,
I definitely recommend doing it,
because you've only got one of these flesh machines
and you've gotta keep it in good condition if you can.
Anyway, enough about my butt.
Thanks for joining me on this little story time.
I'm gonna go over a massive pizza
to make up for those three days of clear food
that I had to endure.
I hope you're doing well.
I hope you're healthy more than anything.
I'll see you guys soon.
Bye!
(gentle jazz music)