(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GREAT, MAN.
HOW ARE YOU.
>> Stephen: ALWAYS GOODS TO SEE YOU.
>> IT MAKES ME HAPPY TO LOOK AT.
>> I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU EVERY SINGLE TIME.
DON'T GET NERVOUS TO DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE OF YOU.
>> Stephen: OH REALLY.
>> IT'S YOUR SHOW.
>> Stephen: I DON'T GET NERVOUS TO DO THIS SHOW BECAUSE
I KNOW SOMEWHERE YOU ARE OUT THERE.
>> IT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: FIGHTING FOR ALL OF US.
>> WHAT IF I AM NOT OUT.
THERE WHAT IF I JUST TK A BREAK.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T.
>> YOU WOULD HAVE A CRAPPY SHOW.
>> Stephen: IF YOU WERE OUT THERE BALLING.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES ONE BALLK I'M OLD ENOUGH THAT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
>> THAT SAY GREAT QUESTION, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES ONE BECOME A BALLER.
>> SO BALLING IS NOT FOR THE WEAK.
>> Stephen: AND BALLING IS BALLIN.
>> APOSTROPHE.
>> Stephen: THAT IS WHAT I WAS HOPING FOR.
>> BALLIN' IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING, BALLIN',
HOWEVER, AS I SAID, ATHLETIC.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE TO BE ATHLETIC THOUGH BECAUSE I'M A
LITTLE DEFISH ENT IN THAT AREA.
>> I'M ALSO NOT THAT ATHLETIC.
>> Stephen: COME ON.
>> BUT I'M A BALLER, SO IT'S LIKE MY NECK GETSES SOAR FROM
THE GOLD CHAINS.
LIKE I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING LIKE-- TOO MANY GOLD CHAINS.
>> Stephen: DID YOU ACTUALLY PLAY SPORTS BECAUSE YOU ARE A
FIT GUY.
YOU HAD MUSCLES.
>> I PLAYED, OH, SO I WAS ON THE WRESTLING TEAM FOR ABOUT THREE
WEEKS. AND THEY CALLED ME THE BLEEDER.
SO I QUIT, YEAH.
>> Stephen.
>> NO JOKE.
>> Stephen: WERE YOU FEELING WOOZY FROM LACK OF BLOOD.
>> WELL, I WOULD GET BLOODY NOSES OFTEN AS A KID.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
>> SO TO GET OUT OF SCIENCE CLASS, NO OFFENSE TO MRS. RANDO,
BUT TO GET OUT OF SCIENCE CLASS I WAS IN THE FRONT ROW AND I
WOULD PUNCH MYSELF IN THE NOSE UNTIL IT BLED AND I WOULD BE
LIKE MRS. RANDO, GOT ANOTHER ONE.
AND SHE WILL BE LIKE ALL RIGHT G TO THE NURSE.
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE.
>> WHICH PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE.
>> Stephen: TO KEEP FROM LEARNING.
>> ANYTHING.
>> ANYTHING, ANYTHING.
>> I DID NOT GO TO A GREAT SCHOOL SYSTEM.
>> BOSTON, RIGHT.
>> BOSTON.
>> Stephen: SO YOU ARE A VERY SUCCESSFUL PERFORMER.
YOU HAVE BEEN IN A BUNCH OF HITS.
WHEN YOU GO HOME, CAN YOU BE THE SUCCESSFUL GUY? WILL THEY ALLOW
YOU TO BE A BIG DEAL?
>> YEAH, YEAH, IT'S-- NO.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TYPICAL OF BOSTON.
>> YEAH, THEY'RE ALWAYS LIKE, NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I
SEEN THEM OR TALK TO THEM, YOU HAVE TO GET THROUGH THE FIRST 15
MINUTES OF LIKE A, HERE IS HE, MR. BIG SHOT, MR. HOLLYWOOD, AH,
OH, HAVE A SEAT YOUR HONOR.
HAVE A SEAT.
YEAH.
I GUESS, I GUESS YOU GOT-- YOU CAN SIT WITH ALL THOSE MILLIONS
IN YOUR POCKETED FROM TELEVISION?
YOU KNOW.
AND THEN WE ARE JUST TALKING ABOUT WHATEVER SRS YEAH.
>> COME ONK CORDDRY.
>> COME ENCOREDRY.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT TWO GIRLS, HOW OLD NOW?
>> NINE AND A HALF AND 12.
>> Stephen: NINE FAF AND 12. ARE YOU STILL FUNNY TO THEM OR
HAVE YOU TIPPED OVER INTO EMBARRASSMENT.
>> WE'RE AT I'M GLAD YOU ASKED THAT BECAUSE WE'RE IN A REAL
GRAY AREA RIGHT NOW.
BECAUSE IF WE'RE IN PUBLIC, MY OLDER DAUGHTER WILL BE LIKE,
DAD, YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT, UGH.
EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS STUPID AM BUT IF WE'RE HOME, SHE LAUGHS.
YOU KNOW.
AND THERE IS ACTUALLY NOTHING MORE SATISFYING THAN GETTING A
LAUGH FROM MY DAUGHTERS.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> BUT I KNOW IT'S LIKE WE'RE ABOUT TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THAT
GOING AWAY.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> AND THEN JUST BEING LIKE MIDDLE FINGERS ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU BEEN ASKED TO DROP ME OFF A BLOCK
AWAY FROM WHEREVER.
>> NOT YET.
>> Stephen: THASES' COMING, MAN, OH, BRACE YOURSELF.
WEAR A CUP, THAT SAY LOW BLOW, MAN, WHEN THAT COMES.
I'M GOOD, JUST DROP HE ME OFF HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WANT TO KNOW YOU EXIST.
>> OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, AND THEN TEARS, THE CAR WILL BE SOAKING
WET WITH TEARS.
>> Stephen: YOUR TEARS.
>> MY TEARS, YES.
I'M CRYING ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: I GOT THIS ONE TOO.
BEFORE I OPEN MY DOOR TO GO INTO SCHOOL, YOU HAVE TO TURN YOUR
MUSIC OFF.
>> OH JEEZ.
I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO THINK THAT YOUR MUSIC IS MY MUSIC.
>> WHAT IS YOUR MUSIC.
>> Stephen: WHAT.
>> WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO.
>> Stephen: OH, GORDON LIGHTFOOT.
>> SOME SMOOTH JAZZ.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY.
>> KENY G, SOMETHING WITH SAX.
>> MAN HEIM STEAM ROLLER.
>> YOU WERE A GAD DAY, WOULD YOU TURN THEIR MUSIC ON.
IF YOU WANT TO PRESERVE THIS RELATIONSHIP, TURN THEIR MUSIC
ON, LIKE 600 FEET AWAY FROM THE SCHOOL, AND THEN PULL UP AND
THEY WILL BE LIKE, SEEIA DAD AND YOU WILL BE LIKE, AND YOU JUST
GOT TO BOP, A LITTLE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR KIDS LISTEN.
>> Stephen: THAT IS MORE EMBARRASSING.
>> THEY WILL BE LIKE THAT IS STEPHEN COLBERT FROM TELEVISION,
LISTENING TO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAR BADGE YOUR KIDS --
>> Stephen: 2 CHAINS, NOT JUST BUN CHAIN.
>> HE'S BALLIN'.
>> Stephen: IS HE BALLIN'?
>> YEAH.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: SEASON FOUR OF "BALLERS" PREMIER THIS SUNDAY ON
HBO.
ROB CORDDRY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY REGINA SPEKTOR.