-President Biden agreed to meet with GOP senators
at the White House after Republicans whined
about the supposed lack of bipartisanship
in the Democrats' response to the crisis.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Theme music plays ]
Well, You guys remember when everyone thought
the world would just magically snap back to normal
once Donald Trump was no longer president,
and people like me would have to go back
to making fun of the Kardashians
or the latest fast-food shock offering?
Well, hold on to your Bacon Club Chalupa, Kourtney,
because just in the last few days,
hedge fund vultures have lost billions of dollars,
thanks to Redditors driving up the stock price
of a video game store;
anti-Semitic comments from a far-right member of Congress
have surfaced, claiming a California wildfire
was caused by a secret Jewish space laser;
and former President Donald Trump's
entire defense team quit en masse
after he insisted that they repeat
his deranged election fraud lies
during his impeachment trial for --
oh, sorry, what was he charged with, again?
-The Senate impeachment trial
of the former president of the United States,
who has been impeached for inciting the erection --
uh, inciting the insurrection at the U.S. Capitol.
-Well, if that's the charge, then I hope he doesn't...
get off.
-♪ Yeah ♪
[ Laughter ] Look, guys,
we're gonna do it every time someone makes that mistake.
So if you don't want the "CSI" joke,
stop making Freudian slips,
because the first rule of "Late Night" has always been,
"When you slips, I quips."
[ Laughter ]
When I saw that this morning,
I tried to text my wife the "get off" joke,
but it turns out, she has my number blocked.
So then I tried calling her,
but she claims it came up as "scam likely."
Sure, it's an old joke, but I'm doing my best here.
I mean, where does she...
get off?
-♪ Yeah ♪
Alright, I forced that one. [ Laughter ]
One for you, one for me. [ Laughter ]
What? They're both for me? [ Laughter ]
Also, is there any person less likely
to incite an erection than our former president?
I mean, if anything, it's the opposite, right?
If any teenage boys ever get called to the chalkboard
at an inopportune time, just picture this fella,
and you'll be well in the clear
by the time you're filling in equations.
"The New York Times" published a definitive investigation
of the 77 days Trump spent
spreading the lie that led to the riot,
which included truly astonishing details
about the lengths to which Republicans were willing to go
to indulge Trump's lies
by telling themselves he wasn't serious.
According to the "Times," Mitch McConnell
"heeded misplaced assurances from White House aides
like Jared Kushner that Mr. Trump
would eventually accede to reality.
The Senator was also under a false impression
that the president was only blustering.
West Wing officials had conveyed the same message:
They would pursue all potential avenues
but recognized that they might come up short.
Mr. Trump would eventually bow to reality and accept defeat."
Why would anyone -- anyone think Trump
would bow to reality? The same dude who thinks
Osama bin Laden's death was faked;
windmills cause cancer, and Diet Coke is good for you.
Of course, McConnell didn't actually think that.
These guys all knew what Trump was,
and they've been riding the wave,
hoping it wouldn't crash on the shore,
which is apparently what happened to Steve Bannon.
You know, "Captain Ron," if it was a horror movie.
"Last thing I remember is getting drunk on a yacht,
and then, all of a sudden,
I'm looking up at a lifeguard on the boardwalk at Rehoboth."
McConnell thought he could use Trump's delusions
and conspiracy theories to motivate the base
and hold on to the Senate, and it backfired on him.
And now he wants to pretend
he had no idea who Trump really was.
I guarantee every conversation McConnell and Trump ever had
ended with McConnell saying, "And if anyone asks,
Mr. President, we never met."
These guys all thought
they could harness the forces they unleashed,
but those forces are in no way unique to Trump.
They're at the very core of the modern GOP --
a fact that has been illustrated
by the election of Marjorie Taylor Greene,
who sounds like a line of active yoga wear for crazy people,
but is actually a freshman Congresswoman
who has suggested in the past, among other things,
that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi should be executed for treason;
that school shootings were staged;
and that a wildfire in California
was caused by a secret Jewish space laser.
-Taylor Greene repeats a QAnon conspiracy theory
that the fire was set by a powerful laser from space,
triggered by a mysterious wealthy cabal.
-She believes it was a Jewish-funded space laser
that started the 2018 wildfire,
the worst in California history.
-It says a lot about these folks
that if she just said "space laser,"
then they would have said, "She's nuts,"
but make it "Jewish space laser,"
and they say, "We need her in Washington!"
These aren't just conspiracy theories.
These are the sick delusions of a deeply deranged person.
And yet, Republicans are either standing firmly behind her
or just brushing her beliefs aside
like they're some odd little personality quirk.
-She's long embraced conspiracy theories like QAnon,
voiced support for executing Nancy Pelosi.
Does she -- Is she fit to serve,
and should she be on the Education Committee?
-Well, that's -- First of all,
the people of her district elected her,
and that should mean a lot.
-Given her history, is she fit to serve?
-I'm not going to answer that question
as to whether she's fit to serve
because she believes in something
that everybody else does not accept.
I reject that, but she's going to stand for re-election.
I don't think we ought to punish people
from a disciplinary standpoint, a party standpoint,
because they think something a little bit different.
-Hmm, a little bit different?
She's not a little bit different.
That's how you describe a neighbor
who has multiple garden gnomes in her front yard.
She's a little bit different.
But if she has a snowman with human bones for arms,
maybe cut her a little less slack.
You might remember that Greene has also expressed support
in the past for the QAnon conspiracy theory,
which was also prominent among Trump supporters
and the insurrectionists who stormed the Capitol.
Just to give you an idea of how unhinged this cult is,
here's a former Q follower
talking to CNN's Anderson Cooper about it.
-Did you at the time believe that high-level Democrats
and celebrities were worshipping Satan,
drinking the blood of children?
-Anderson, I thought you did that.
And I would like to apologize for that right now.
So I apologize for thinking that you ate babies.
-That is quite the apology to have to make to someone's face.
Personally, I would have just sent a Fudgie the Whale.
[ Laughter ]
"Hey, we're just going to -- We are going to put the icing on.
We did just want to double-check what you gave us."
Also, a very, very hard apology to accept.
I mean, definitely better that he made the apology than not,
but how do you even respond to that?
"Well, it means a great deal to me
that you no longer think that I ate more than one baby.
You're back in the wedding party."
We're in the midst of several unprecedented crises right now
that are causing misery and suffering
for millions of Americans.
The previous administration
badly botched the vaccine rollout;
poverty and child hunger are on the rise;
millions have lost their health insurance;
and nearly half a million people have died.
And one of our two major political parties
has become deeply unhinged and detached from reality.
And now that same party -- a party that just weeks ago
tried to overthrow a presidential election --
is demanding, along with a compliant media,
that Democrats and the Biden administration
work with them on a COVID relief plan
for the sake of so-called bipartisanship.
-I've never been more disappointed
about an administration launch.
Not good or bad, but indifferent.
I almost feel as though they were teasing us
into thinking that there'd be an effort to go bipartisan.
-You don't want bipartisanship.
You want the patina of bipartisanship,
but you want to stick it and ram it through.
So that's not unity.
-There's no reason why Joe Biden
can't work with Republicans in the Congress
for bipartisan legislation if he's willing
to push Bernie Sanders to the side
and work with Republican Senators
and Republican Congressmen.
-President Biden has missed a historic opportunity
to make good on this pledge to be a president for all Americans
and to stand up and say the censorship must stop,
the blacklisting must stop.
We have to listen to and respect
all viewpoints in America.
-Ah, yes, famously bipartisan Stephen Miller,
the guy who brought together the alt and the right.
The only way I can picture him reaching across the aisle
is to steal a child's dream and eat it for demon fuel.
Man, I was hoping I'd never have to see Stephen Miller's face
ever again, and if I did, I just assumed he'd be
outside my balcony in a thunderstorm,
wearing a cape.
Look, I know it's a favorite obsession of the media,
but no one gives a [Bleep] about bipartisanship.
People just want someone to make their lives better.
If someone shows up at your house
with the vaccine and a $2,000 check,
you're not going to ask, "Wait, is Ted Cruz cool with this?"
Bipartisanship is a fake Beltway obsession
that actual people do not care about.
It probably ranks lower on voters' list of priorities
than renovating the White House tennis pavilion.
And thank God someone finally did that.
If not for Melania, how would Wilbur Ross and Larry Kudlow
have played a game of doubles
against Rudy and his dowager's hump?
Look, Republicans, instead of whining,
you should be thankful you get to deal with Joe Biden,
who has way more faith in bipartisanship than I do.
That doesn't mean he's going to do
everything you want him to do,
but it does mean he won't spend his time in office
giving campaign rallies where he starts "Lock him up" chants,
which, as we all know, is the height of bipartisanship.
In fact, President Biden is already indulging Republicans
in what seems to be a futile and preposterous exercise.
-A group of 10 GOP lawmakers
is calling on the White House to compromise,
urging the president to consider more targeted relief.
-The Republican counter-offer reduces the overall cost
to $600 billion, down from $1.9 trillion
that the White House is seeking.
It lowers direct payments to Americans from $1,400 to $1,000.
It doesn't include a minimum-wage increase.
-White House press secretary Jen Psaki released a statement,
stating that President Biden has invited
these 10 Republican senators to the White House
to talk about their counter-offer.
-Republicans, what more do you want than that?
Just the fact that he's willing to sit down
and listen to you at all is more than you deserve.
You know he's getting burned,
and you know you're trying to burn him.
But he is gonna keep holding out hope
that we can all get along. That's who he is.
Joe's the neighbor who returns the Frisbee
when some kids throw it in his yard.
And then when they throw it back,
covered in dog crap, and laugh when he picks it up again,
he just shakes his head and says, "I was once like you."
And then the kids yell back,
"You were nothing like us, old man!"
And before he can answer, they start circling him
in their Schwinns, whooping and hollering
until he finally starts getting flustered and yells,
"Hey, enough is enough." And the kids yell back,
"We decide when it's enough! This is our town now!"
So then he grabs a stick and
he jams it in the wheel of the leader's bike,
and that kid tumbles harmlessly into a pile of leaves,
stands up, brushes himself off,
and yells, "Well, that wasn't very bipartisan."
Seriously, Joe, why on Earth
are you taking anything Susan Collins says seriously?
Just send people the checks. No one cares
if she's moderately disappointed with the process.
Do you think, in lieu of a $2,000 check,
voters would be just as happy with a postcard that says,
"Rest assured that Susan Collins' participated
in the legislative process, was respected,
and her opinion was heard.
As a result, please accept this $10 gift card to Subway,
applicable only to the tuna sandwich.
'Tuna' is not a legally binding term"?
Republicans rammed through a $2 trillion tax cut
for the corporations and the wealthy,
and nearly repealed Obamacare, using the same
budget reconciliation method they're now whining about.
Nothing they say about compromise and bipartisanship
should be taken seriously.
They've been pulling the same scam for years.
You know how I know?
Because Democrats have fallen for this trap many times before,
including a certain vice president in 2012.
-What we need is the Republican Party.
We need leaders that can control their party.
And I think you're gonna see the fever break.
-Not only did the fever not break, it got worse,
probably thanks to that secret Jewish space laser
that invented COVID and hacked the election,
along with Bill Gates and Hugo Chávez.
I see you up there, Space Laser,
eating your lox, drinking your Manischewitz.
Republicans aren't going to suddenly become reasonable.
It didn't happen in 2012. It's not gonna happen now.
Take a cue from incoming Senate budget chairman Bernie Sanders,
who was asked on Sunday about the GOP's bad-faith call
for bipartisanship, and immediately brushed it aside.
-Is it a mistake for Democrats to consider
abandoning bipartisanship negotiations so soon?
-Martha, the issue is not bipartisanship or not.
The issue is, are we going to address
the incredible set of crises and the pain and the anxiety
which is in this country? You know what?
I don't care what anybody says,
we have got to deal with this pandemic.
-First of all, he's right. Second, of course,
Bernie doesn't care what anybody says.
He has the energy of a grandpa who insists on
shoveling the sidewalk in his bathrobe.
"Grandpa, at least put on some pants."
"I don't care what anybody says.
I'm going out there in my robe and my slippers,
and if anybody has a problem with that,
then they can talk to the mittens,
because the face is not listening.
Not now, not ever."
People need and deserve immediate help.
They don't have time for Beltway games
or bad-faith whining about bipartisanship.
You know what's actually unifying?
Doing popular things, like sending out checks
and rolling out vaccines during a pandemic
and economic crash. That would get people excited.
So excited you could be impeached for...
-Inciting the erection.
-Oh, that's my time on the stage.
I guess I'd better...
get off. -♪ Yeah ♪
Forced it. [ Laughter ]
This has been "A Closer Look."
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