(upbeat theme music)
- Normally I don't find funerals funny,
(audience laughing)
but here's a story about a funeral that I found hilarious
because this funeral had Donald Trump
and that guy can turn anything into a joke.
Maybe you've heard of Diamond and Silk?
You know, those two sisters who were always
showing up at his rallies,
praising him on TV,
setting the Black race back 50 years?
(audience laughing)
You know, those two?
Trump held meetings with them,
he'd invite them to the Oval Office,
he would point at them and say,
"See, Black people love me."
Well, sadly,
Diamond passed away a few days ago.
Yeah, and Silk said that she wanted Trump to speak
at the funeral because the three of them were so close.
At least, Silk thought the three of them were close
until Trump started to speak.
- You know, the world has lost one of its brightest stars.
Real star,
but I see that we have another star who was equal too.
But she stepped up and she is different.
I'm serious.
I thought I knew him both.
I didn't.
I knew Diamond,
but I didn't know Silk at all.
I just learned about Silk.
You're fantastic.
You're going to carry on
beyond anybody's wildest imagination.
(audience laughing)
- Oh my God.
I mean, it's like Trump showed up to that funeral,
like, "Diamond's dead,
but I'm gonna bury Silk.
Oh yeah, there's room for two in that casket."
I mean, come on,
to say you know Diamond but don't know Silk is wild
because they're always together.
Like that's like saying,
"I know Burt but I never heard of this Ernie fella.
What's his deal?"
(audience cheering)
You know, I thought "Sister Sister"
was just called "Sister."
(audience laughing)
Knowing Trump, he probably only has room for one Black woman
in his brain at a time.
If he turns on the TV right now,
he'll be like,
"Wow, Diamond's hosting "The Daily Show."
(audience cheering)
You know?
You know, a week ago she was dead,
but thanks to me, she's risen.
- The word "mummy" is being canceled.
Museums are choosing to go with different terms,
largely because of the pop culture view
which tends to portray mummies as a monsters.
So CNN says more museums
are choosing to go with the term "mummified person"
to restore the person's humanity.
- Wait, wait a minute.
Let's be clear right off the bat.
Mummies aren't monsters.
It's only a monster when it gets the (bleep) up.
(audience laughing)
Just a body.
Monster.
But yes, they want us to be respectful.
The correct usage is "mummified persons."
As in, why the hell do half our senators
look like mummified persons?
(audience laughing)
If you ask me,
the museums are making a big mistake here.
Having a monster in the museum is the only thing
that gets kids in the door.
You think kids are coming to see them old ass bowls?
No, they're coming to see a mummy.
This weekend,
the Church of England announced that it will now
allow its clergy to bless same-sex marriages,
but they're still not going to allow the actual wedding
to happen in the church.
But hey, to be honest,
this is also how I feel about any destination wedding.
I ain't going to be there,
but good for y'all.
Well, I don't know how your 2023 is going,
but it has not been going well for President Joe Biden.
Just when we were ready to move on to the next scandal,
the FBI searched his house for 13 hours on Friday
and they found even more classified documents.
At this point, the FBI
is just decluttering Biden's house for him.
They're like Marie Kondo going around his rooms like,
"This list of spies does not spark joy."
(audience laughing)
No, but honestly,
this doesn't bother me at all.
I mean, come on.
The man has been in public office for 238 years.
I bet you most of the shit he has
isn't even classified anymore.
You read his notes and it's like,
"Keep an eye on this Hitler guy."
It's just history now.
They're teaching his stuff in schools.
Well, not in Florida,
but you know.
By the way,
some of you might not know,
but before doing standup,
I worked at NSA for seven years.
Yeah, it's true.
I had a top secret clearance and everything.
Thank me for my service, damn it.
(audience cheering)
So I gotta say,
this story has me a little concerned.
You know, I'm sitting here thinking,
"Damn, what is in my garage?
I put that back, right?"
Yeah, yeah.
I put that back.
But in Biden's defense,
at least he is cooperating with the FBI searches, right?
(audience cheering)
In fact, he's been so cooperative,
it makes me wondering like,
is he hoping they do work around the house for him?
You know, is Biden like,
"You know, fellas,
I think I have some documents up in the gutters.
You might need to clear the leaves out first.
I know Jill would love that.
She'd love that."
Speaking of Mike Pence,
guess what they just found at his house?
Yes. Classified documents.
Yes, him too.
First Trump,
then Biden.
Now Mike Pence?
You know at some point,
the FBI is just gonna have to be like,
"Okay I'm gonna close my eyes and count to 10,
and if they are classified documents on this table
when I open them,
no one gets in trouble."
Facebook and Instagram are ending the two-year ban
they imposed on Donald Trump after January 6th
and allowing the former President back on their sites.
I mean, letting Trump back on Facebook is crazy.
You just asking for trouble.
It's like letting Hannibal Lecter
babysit your most delicious child.
(audience laughing)
But Facebook is put in the back online anyway
'cause they say that, quote,
"The public should be able to hear what their politicians
are saying."
And to that, let me say,
quote, "Phooey."
(audience laughing)
Look, we all know Facebook is losing a ton of money
and they want that Trump attention back.
They need a hit.
Trump is their White Lotus, right?
I mean, he's the Jennifer Coolidge of the internet.
"Yeah, I'm fun."
(audience cheering)
Look, but I think maybe for the first week
they should just allow him to only post cat photos.
You know, let's see how it goes.
If you see a bunch of cats storming the capitol,
although adorable,
shut it down.
- Finally, there's something that Republicans and Democrats
seem united on,
and it's this,
the Taylor Swift ticket fiasco.
Today on Capitol Hill,
senators held a hearing to examine the lack of competition
in the ticketing industry.
- [News Anchor] The bipartisan hearing comes in the wake
of a technology breakdown on the Ticketmaster website
during the pre-sale for Taylor Swift's upcoming tour.
Superfans, known as "Swifties,"
faced hours-long wait times and website crashes.
- I just really wanted to see Taylor.
- I'm not getting tickets.
- Shame on you, Ticketmaster.
Look what you did to these emotional young people.
Hey, you know what,
it's about time someone held Ticketmaster accountable.
And the Swifties are the only ones who can get this done.
They're the most politically organized group in America.
Yeah, it goes Swifties,
the Teamsters,
and somewhere way all the way down the list,
is the Democrats.
(audience laughing)
You know, these hearings are so popular,
I bet Ticketmaster screwed up tickets to that too.
You got kids outside crying,
"I'm the senate's biggest fan.
I just wanted to see Dick Durbin."
But ultimately,
there's only one way to fix this problem.
Get rid of online ticket sales.
Go back to waiting online in person out in the cold.
Make people earn that shit like we used to.
You're not a real fan unless getting a ticket
gave you hypothermia.
Hey, I almost lost two toes just to see Johnny Gill
and I'll do it again, damn it.
The 2023 Oscar nominations were announced this morning.
(audience cheering)
And if you're wondering how they picked the nominees
this year,
they basically just went,
"Hmm, let's see.
Who's not gon' slap nobody?
That's my pick."
Now as usual,
there was good news and bad news.
Good news,
Michelle Yeoh became the first Asian woman
nominated for Best Actress.
But bad news,
no women were nominated for Best Director.
Yeah, but remember,
they gave it to Jane Campion last year.
So I guess this year they thought,
"Ah, that should hold you broads for the next 50 years."
And personally,
I'm a big Woody Harrelson fan,
so I was happy to see some nominations
for "Triangle of Sadness."
(audience cheering)
Yeah, which is not just a good movie,
it's also what Mike Pence calls a vagina.
We're coming up on 11 months
since the Kremlin Gremlin invaded,
and now,
the Ukrainian military is getting some major reinforcements.
- The announcement came this morning,
the United States and Germany will both be sending tanks
to Ukraine.
- Ukraine has been desperate to get tanks
as Russia prepares for a spring offensive.
And this morning,
it looks like more than a dozen German tanks
will be on their way soon with as many as 100 to follow
with the US expected to send more than 30 Abrams tanks.
Ukraine wants the advanced German tanks as soon as possible.
As for those Abrams tanks,
the only issue is they will not likely arrive
for at least a year.
- A year?
Oh, come on US.
Ukraine is fighting for its life and America is like,
"All right, the delivery window is from June to December.
Make sure your home."
I tell you that damn Louis DeJoy has really messed up
the post office.
He's gotta go.
(audience cheering)
Now, the reason it took so long to send these tanks
is that Germany didn't want to send tanks alone.
They wanted another country to send tanks with them
because you know,
it's not a great look just when it's German tanks
rolling across Europe.
Kind of makes people nervous.
I think it should have been Sweden.
Yeah, and they send tanks to Ukraine and Russia.
Okay, hear me out.
Hear me out.
And then Sweden,
do that thing you do where you send the tanks in parts
with a diagram for assembling them.
Yeah. See?
See that would bring the countries together
'cause no one couldn't assemble that on their own.
You know, Ukraine would be like,
"Hey Russia,
do you have an extra one of those wooden peggy thingies?"
FDA has some good news for babies,
and if there are any babies out there watching,
whatchu' doing?
Go to bed!
And also,
your food's about to taste a lot less like pennies.
- In tonight's health watch,
we have important information for parents about baby food.
The FDA today proposed new levels for lead in baby food,
cutting the allowable level by about 25%
to 20 parts per billion or less.
Now, that would apply to baby foods made with fruits,
vegetables, and dry cereals,
but not cereal puff and teething biscuits,
which have been found to have some of the highest
lead levels.
The author of a 2019 report that found dangerous levels
of lead in nearly 95% of manufactured baby food
says the FDA's proposals don't go far enough
to protect children.
But at least now you know.
- But at least now you know?
Wait a minute,
is that a thing?
Is this how you break bad news to people now?
"Hey, remember that bump I thought was a spider bite?
Well, it's herpes,
but at least now you know."
Across America,
police are handing out 112,000 speeding tickets every day.
Yeah, that's a lot of tickets.
I'm like, where do they find the time to shoot people?
(audience laughing)
And those tickets aren't going away anytime soon
because these fines aren't just to punish you.
It turns out local governments need that money
to keep the lights on.
- [News Anchor] Traffic stops aren't always about safety
or hunting contraband or crime.
Some cities use traffic stops to raise money.
- The cities and counties
that are trying to use these schemes,
trying to use these fines and fees to balance their budget,
are basically charging a backdoor tax to poor people.
- [News Anchor] In the South,
municipalities strapped for cash have been targeting
the most vulnerable citizens,
who primarily Black and living under the poverty line.
In Missouri, some of these municipalities generate
anywhere from 20 to 40% of their total revenue
by fining citizens.
- That's right.
These cities are filling their budgets
on the backs of poor people.
Yeah, so the next time a cop asks,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
You can be like,
"Let me guess,
the man wants a standing desk?"
(audience laughing)
And getting fined is bad enough,
but then they tack on a bunch of extra fees,
payment plan fees,
collection fees.
One county even has a $51 processing fee.
So, it costs you $51 to give me a $30 ticket?
How about you not giving me the ticket
and you just saved yourself $21?
And let's say you're like a lot of people
and don't have all this money just laying around.
Well in 14 states,
your ass might be going to jail.
Yeah, you heard me right.
14 states will send you to jail for being poor.
And if you want to know what states those are,
it's probably the ones you're thinking of.
And guess what,
you could come out of jail owning even more
because they actually charge you another fee
for going to jail.
Like that's so messed up.
Okay, wait a minute,
I'm in jail because I couldn't pay
and now you are charging me more for being in jail?
You know I couldn't pay.
That's why I was here in the first place.
What, do you think I hit the lottery while I was in jail?
But you know what,
it doesn't have to be this way.
A lot of other countries never fine you
more than you can afford.
They fine you based on your income.
This makes it more fair
since billionaires aren't paying the same fines
as people who work at the dollar store.
And if you're thinking,
"That must lead to some expensive ass tickets,"
you'd be right.
- A man in Finland got caught speeding and boy,
did he have to pay up.
Listen to this.
A Finnish millionaire got a $58,000 fine
for going 64 miles per hour in a 50 zone.
While that seems kind of crazy here,
over in Finland,
speeding tickets are based on your income.
The highest ticket so far was $103,000,
a ticket given to a Nokia executive
who made roughly 14 million that year.
- I tell you what,
(audience cheering)
I tell you what,
we did that here,
that will make me start putting those quarters
in the parking meter.
(audience laughing)
Look, if the ticket is meant to punish you,
it should feel like a punishment.
$30 for a rich person is not a punishment.
Rich people don't even know money goes that low.
If you ask Jeff Bezos for $30,
he'll be like,
"Do I just rip a corner off of this a hundred dollar bill?"
So long story short,
stop using poor people as your little take-a-penny jar,
especially over small shit.
If anything, we should be doing the opposite.
I propose every highway should have a broke lane.
Do what you want.
Do what you wanna do in the broke lane.
Busted tail light,
expired registration,
dangling muffle,
who cares?
You can haul ass in the broke lane
'cause you gotta get from your second job to your third job.
I don't care.
Do whatever it takes.
But if you get caught in the broke lane,
talking about, "Well, I'm trying to get to my squash game
at the country club,"
then the officer can say,
"Woo, I'm gonna have to tase you."
(audience laughing)
And the electricity has a $51 processing fee.
(audience laughing)
(upbeat theme music)