Mark: How to know if he's not the one.
Today, I'm gonna give you three clear signs that it's time to walk away or that you might
be in a relationship that you can salvage and get on a really good track.
I've got Dr. Benjamin Ritter back with me.
Thank you for coming in again, sir.
He's an internal leadership coach here in Chicago.
We were actually introduced by our mutual friend, doctor, sorry, not doctor, Jason Silva
from Attract Great Guys, and Ben does some amazing work with women here.
You are a dating coach for five, six years and now you're working with some really successful
women here in Chicago on their relationships and their leadership, founder of the
Breakup Supplement System.
Ben, today we're talking about three clear signs that you shouldn't waste any more time
with him, that it might be the wrong relationship or that maybe stuff can work out the first
one, then you want to take it away.
Ben: Well, the first one is chemistry and that's something that's pretty instant.
Mark: Lack thereof
Ben: Lack thereof...chemistry.
Ben: You can either feel it in the beginning of a relationship, or you can feel it maybe
six months, a year, five years, 10 years into a relationship, but there are ways that you
can actually salvage or check if there actually is chemistry when maybe you don't feel like there is.
Mark: Yeah. So if, if you've been on two or three dates with someone, if you've had a chat on the
phone and you're still feeling nothing, look, that's a pretty safe bet, GTFO, like, it's
not going to work, right?
Sometimes the women come to us and they say, "Look, things were great for six months or
a year, but the chemistry is dialed back," and that can be a sign that they need to finish things.
But we always say in that situation, you really want to give, give that a chance by communication.
You want to elaborate?
Ben: So you want to start off by initially communicating the fact that there's something
off in the relationship and hopefully your partner is at that, you know, in that same
place and ready to work with you towards kind of reigniting that spark.
Mark: Yeah.
Ben: But chemistry really does come from inside you, and it's hard to have someone, you know,
put the responsibility of that chemistry on somebody else.
So can you think back on when the relationship began?
Can you think back on when there were moments of like unbelievable chemistry, right?
That's why you're in the relationship in the first place because over time, your experiences,
you build resentment and you have conflict and things happen.
You get closer, you build a sense of comfort, and that eats away at your chemistry, which
is, it's natural but there's a way for your mind that's sort of re-perceived.
Ben: Yeah, you can re-perceive.
You change your perception of the relationship now by re-imagining the relationship as it
was in the beginning. Like give it a second chance inside.
Mark: So an exercise both with your partner there to talk to your partner about this and
communicate this, and also something you can do on your own, which is how did I perceive
them originally and how do I, and we recreate that.
Ben: And when you see him for the first time, I want to say it's like, so they come down
the stairs in the morning, and so instead of seeing them as the person you've
been in relationship for five years, can you re perceive them?
Can you kind of just envision them as the person that you just met that you were attracted
to in the first place. Change the glasses, that thing that you were really attracted
to in the beginning of the relationship but now kind of annoys you,
can you, can you see it as attractive again?
Can you find a way to find some humor in it and remember a memory when that was actually
something you really enjoyed?
Mark: Number two is a personal value mismatch.
So this is where you have a certain value that you live within your own life that is
distinctly opposed to something that your partner believes.
So for example, I might have a very hard value around health and fitness and my partner may
not, or you might have a very high value around say how we spend money and your partner may
have a very different value. I always think of personal values as they are things you do on your own.
So it's not like what we're going to talk about in a moment, number three.
These are things you can do on your own and do they actually like you want to live in Bolivia
but I want to live in Sweden. Okay, that's, that's not going to be compatible.
So the question I ask clients with this is twofold.
Number one, is this something you can live with longterm?
Ben: Yeah. Is it a nonnegotiable?
Mark:Yeah.
Ben: But a lot of times with personal values, if both partners want to be in the relationship,
they can compromise, they can find a way to meet in the middle.
And sometimes you can't, like you're saying, you know, I live in one country, another person
wants to live in another country, or when it comes to fitness, like you just aren't
attracted to someone that doesn't care about their fitness, and that person is not willing
to go to the gym at all to compromise,
Mark: There's no win-win there.
Ben: And that's just, that's you're at an impossible impasse, right?
Mark: Yeah.
Ben: So yeah, the relationship just can't work in there.
Mark: It can't if you have a key value that you say, "If this doesn't change, I'm not happy,"
and there is no compromise that makes you say, "Okay, we've got this to a point
where it's changed enough with compromise that we can both genuinely be happy.
Even if the problem isn't fully solved or I'm happy to live with this," then that is
a sign he is not the one, don't spend any more time.
And the third one is the most important, Ben.
Ben: It is relationship values or lack of relationship values in this case. dDoes your
partner display relationship values? These include trust, support,
Mark: Yeah. Interdependence is a huge one.
Ben: Boundaries.
Mark: Consistency.
We talked about these in another video and how to spot these very early on, but things
like even things like is he on his purpose?
There's these key values that a relationship, a healthy relationship simply cannot live without.
Ben: And there's totally separate from personal values.
These are values that you develop either based on your experiences and relationships in the
past, kind of like what you're ready for now and what you're working towards.
And so if those aren't there but you're like, "Oh, but he has, he has the chemistry and we,
we have the same personal values, similar personal values, but if he doesn't have those
relationship values,"
Mark: That's Ben in another video, he talked about the house concept and it's like if you're
here and he's here, you know, personal values are the things, as I say, you can operate
on their own, but relationship values like trust, support, boundaries, candidness, consistency.
These things are the building blocks of that third being that you are creating, which is the relationship.
The reason these are the most important is because if the relationship values are there,
you can often build back the other two, right?
If you have the trust, the support, the candidness, the consistency, the boundaries, him on his
purpose and you on yours, you can build back the other stuff.
When two people want to work, you can build back, find compromises on the personal.
You can build back the chemistry, but if these ones are not there, I cannot stress this enough.
If these relationship values are not there and they are lacking, he is not the one for you.
Ben: And he won't be changing anytime soon.
Mark: He won't be changing anytime soon.
Thank you so much for watching!
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this concept, on this video.
Make sure you leave them in the space below. Questions for me and Ben, pop them all down there.
Mark: Ben, it's been a pleasure, Sir.
Ben: Very much so.
Mark: All the way out here in Chicago, an amazing coach out here.
If you are in Chicago or even if you're not and you're just interested in what he does,
check out benjamin-ritter.com.
Don't forget to hit the like button and the big red subscribe button with the little bell,
so you get the notifications.
And thank you so much for watching! Ben, as I said again, it's been a pleasure.
We will see you in the next video very soon.