- Congressman, the results of the focus group are in.
- And?
- Well, you're still tracking great
with voters between the ages of 70 and death's door.
- Fantastic.
- But you are pre-tracking horribly for the 2022 election.
- What?
- Future voters, ages 11 to 17.
They've described you as out of touch,
disgusting, and "I don't like to look at you."
- What do these animals want from me?
I want to show the youngsters that
I can cut loose and have a good time.
Take me to where the young people are.
(dubstep music)
- Oh hey, Madison. You want to help me
put up these trash can stickers?
I'm trying to get people to tweet about the second weekend.
- Sure thing, Dad.
- Thanks, honey. We're gonna get
that next stretch this afternoon.
- Oh great, can't wait.
- Madison, why would you do that?
How are people gonna read it if it's all
crunched up in a trash can, you ever think of that?
Oh excuse me, sir. If you're a parent
dropping your giant twins off,
you're going to have to do it at the registration booth.
- Todd Crawford? Just the man I'm looking for.
Congressman Rich Halstrom.
- Oh I know who you are. You tried
to pass that bill that would make all women
who have had a vaginal orgasm register as sex offenders.
- Yes, restoring clitoral values.
We can't let the women decide, Todd.
Hey, listen. I heard about your Tween Fest.
I thought this would be a great
opportunity to connect with future voters.
- Oh, you want to make a speech?
- No, I want to jam out with my all
congressman blues band The Federal Blues Commission.
- Okay, that doesn't sound like the worst thing
I've ever heard of in my entire life.
Uh, I can't. My schedule, it's a mess.
I love the blues but there's no time for the blues.
Darn it!
- I understand, Todd.
It'd be a shame if I talked to my friends over at the NSA
and had them release your internet browsing history,
filled with Wile E. Coyote porn.
- Wile E. Coyote porn? What's that?
- Yeah, what is that? You're an upstanding man.
There's no way you get your jollies
watching some cartoon desert dog
seduce his feathered nemesis into orgasm.
Meep!
- Hey.
- Meep, meep, meep, meep!
- Will you shut up. I had had a divorce.
It was one long, lonely night.
- Listen, I don't anticipate any scandal
involving some guy that's addicted to Looney Tunes porn,
guiding a bunch of children into
the desert for God knows what.
- Okay, okay, You can have your blues jam.
I just have to bump Dem Water Cup Boys. Not a problem.
- Thanks, Todd. Now, if you'll excuse me,
practice some spicy Cajun blues scales.
Ba dam do ba dum!
(guitar playing)
(singing) I got them Capitol Hill's blues.
- Ethan, drop what you're doing.
We've got to do some dancing here.
Go tell Dem Water Cup Boys that they're bumped.
- No.
Those guys are out of their minds.
You can tell them yourself.
- What are you talking about? Who are Dem Water Cup Boys?
What are you so worried about?
- Here. You should see this.
♫ I don't give a fuck what the cashier told ya
♫ I asked for a water cup to fill it with soda
♫ I don't give a fuck what the cashier told ya
♫ I asked for a water cup to fill it with soda
- They're monsters. They just want to watch the world burn.
♫ The cashier thinks I'm filling cups with water
♫ But I fill 'em with soda and I fingered her daughter.
- Ethan, you're pretty green. Let me explain something.
These are performers and they adopt
a persona sometimes to titillate or to shock.
Doesn't mean they're not people,
put their pant legs on one at a time.
♫ 'Cause I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.
- You'll see. Nicest guys in the world.
- You bumped us off the lineup?
- We're gonna piss on you, old ass bitch.
- Oh boy.
I'm sorry, fellas. There was a scheduling snafu.
You can come back weekend two.
- Get back in here so we can piss on you.
And also so you can teach us what the word "snafu" means.
- Yeah, fool!
- Share your crazy Tween Fest memories?
Like what, baking all day in the hot sun?
Awesome rap groups being bumped
for some blowhard politicians?
Your dad making you stay here instead
of going to Craig's when he has
such an awesome pool and a grotto.
- Huh?
- I don't want to remember Tween Fest. Do you?
- No!
- Then let's not use their dumb hashtags.
If you are with me, throw your phones in the trash.
Do it! Now! Be free!
- [Announcer] Tween Fest, are you ready
for some rude and crude action from Dem Water Cup Boys?
(cheering)
Well come back next weekend.
Instead, here's Congressman Rich Halstrom
in The Federal Blues Commission.
- Alright, alright, alright. Hey, all you
lucky kids here in Tween Fest.
If you like what me and my squad are laying down,
then your squad goal should be
to use the hashtag "#HalstromIsBae".
Wait, what is that? Vietnamese?
Scranton, let's boogie! Two, three, and-
(blues music)
♫ Got the good box of blue
- Trash bags, not hash tags. Trash bags, not hash tags.
Trash bags, not hash tags. Trash bags, not hash tags.
♫ You're not gonna bring your bill to the floor
♫ 'Cause I'ma talk, talk, talk, talk, talk some more
- Yeah!
Hey, let's put an organ in my mouth.
Two, three, and-
(blues music)
- Where's my fucking harmonica, man?
You diggin' it?
(booing)
You know, I know why this country is falling apart.
You young people have no respect for the blues!
(cheering)
Alright, let's get back to the blues, gang.
- Get off our stage, you Congressman ass bitch!
- This is my stage, son.
- Ya'll know us. I'm Gus, da fingerer.
- And I'm DTF, ya'll know what stands for, def and finger.
- Tween Fest tried to bump us, but don't nobody
tell Dem Water Cup Boys what to do. Hit it!
♫ I don't give a fuck what the cashier told ya
♫ I asked for a water cup to fill it with soda
♫ I don't give a fuck what the cashier told ya
♫ I asked for a water cup to fill it with soda
- Cut this, whatever it is. Cut it.
Okay, there you go. Yeah, why don't you masturbate the bass.
Please stop it. My nipples are very sensitive.
(sexy, slow music)
- I had a great time last night, Mr. Eubanks.
Here's to our-
- Hey, hey, hey! Turn the TV, will ya?
They're talking about our kids.
- [TV Reporter] Chaos has erupted
at local outdoor festival Tween Fest,
where Congressman Rich Halstrom is being publicly debased.
- I knew I shouldn't have brought my kid to Tween Fest.
I'm calling him right now.
(phones ringing)
- Do what you're gonna do! Bodyguards!
Where are my bodyguards?
- You guys like your jobs?
- Get off me! Get away!
- Oh, sir. Sir, I am so sorry
about what happened. I really am.
- Shut up! I'm shutting you down.
There will be no weekend two of Tween Fest.
- Oh my God!
Oh my God, thank you!
Yes, thank you. Someone shut us down.
Pull the wires out, return the equipment.
Send these little people home.
- Wait a minute!
That what you want, you sneaky, little perv?
In that case, I will ensure the success,
the wild success of weekend two.
- No.
- I have built eight juvenile halls in my district
and I will make sure that every one of those
underprivileged, little shitheads will be here all weekend.
- No, sir. Please don't send the shitheads.
- You don't fuck with the blues, Todd.
You don't fuck with the blues!
- We told you we were gonna piss on you, you old ass bitch!
- Yeah, fool!
(laughing)
- [Voice From Crowd] Idiot, he's all wet!
- [Crowd Chanting] Tween Fest sucks! Tween Fest sucks!
(dubstep music)