MARRIED COUPLES IN THE U.S.
HAVE AN 80% OF DIVORCING IN THE
FIRST FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO GET OFF
TO A GOOD START AND MAKE SURE
YOU ARE READY FOR A LIFE-LONG
COMMITMENT.
TODAY DR. CAROL BROUGHT US A
SPECIAL MARRIAGE GURU GUEST.
WE HAVE FAMILY THERAPIST BRIAN
ZESTER HERE.
WHEN I GOT MARRIED 20 YEARS
AGO .
WELL, YOU GOT MARRIED AT 13.
EXACTLY.
IT WAS IOWA.
THE RULES WERE DIFFERENT.
WE WENT THROUGH A CATHOLIC
CHURCH MARRIAGE PREP PROGRAM.
THEY GUIDED US THROUGH
DISCUSSION POINTS.
IT IS CRITICAL.
PREMARRIAGE COUNSELING IS
REALLY IMPORTANT.
EVEN IF YOU CAN'T GET TO THAT
KIND OF COUNSELING AND
GUIDANCE, TALKING ABOUT KEY
ISSUES EARLY ON IS REALLY KEY.
ONE OF THE FIRST QUESTIONS
COUPLES SHOULD TALK ABOUT IS
THIS IDEA THAT IS THERE
ANYTHING YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO
GIVE UP ONCE WE ARE MARRIED?
IT IS ABOUT BOUNDARIES AND
RESPECTING EACH OTHER'S
BOUNDARIES.
FOR MY HUSBAND IT IS FISHING.
WHEN THE KIDS WERE LITTLE THAT
WAS HARD.
HE WOULD LEAVE FOR A WEEK AND
DO A FISHING TRIP.
I KNEW THAT WAS IMPORTANT TO
HIM.
ONE THING I LEARNED IN MY
MARRIAGE, IT TOOK A LITTLE
WHILE, WAS WE GREW UP WITH
DIFFERENT WAYS OF DEALING WITH
DISAGREEMENTS IN OUR FAMILIES.
WE CAME IN WITH THESE
PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS OF HOW YOU
DEAL WHEN YOU ARE NOT GETTING
ALONG.
IT HAS A HUGE IMPACT ON YOUR
MARRIAGE.
ABSOLUTELY.
THERE IS TIMES MY WIFE AND I
ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION AND I
WILL HEAR MY DAD COME OUT.
I WILL TAKE A BREATHE AND THEN
CALM DOWN.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT AND DISCUSS
OUR STYLES.
YOUR FIRST POINT DOVE TAILED
INTO QUESTION NUMBER THREE.
THAT'S ABOUT CAN YOU HANDLE ME
DOING THINGS WITHOUT YOU.
RIGHT.
BEING ABLE TO KNOW AND
ENCOURAGE YOUR PARTNER TO DO
SELF-CARE IS ESSENTIAL.
DO YOU KNOW IT IS IMPORTANT FOR
YOU BOTH TO MAINTAIN YOUR OWN
BOUNDARIES, PRIVACY AND SELF-
CARE?
IF THE ANSWER IS NO THAT CAN BE
A RED FLAG THAT SOMEONE IS TOO
CONTROLLING.
IT IS A REALLY IMPORTANT
QUESTION TO TALK ABOUT.
NUMBER FOUR ON YOUR LIST.
A FINANCIAL QUESTION.
KNOWING THE LIMITS OF WHAT YOU
SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEND.
HOW MUCH ARE YOU WILLING TO
SPEND ON SHOES?
A DISHWASHER?
DAYCARE?
OUR ANSWERS CAN CHANGE OVER
TIME AS WE EVOLVE AS A COUPLE.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN WILLING TO
SPEND $200 ON A SUIT OR A PAIR
OF SHOES.
NOW AS WE GET OLDER, OUR
FINANCES CHANGE, I'M NOT SO
WILLING TO DO THAT.
IT IS HAVING OPEN CONVERSATIONS
ON A WEEKLY BASIS.
EVEN DAILY, SOMETIMES, TOO.
THIS CAN CAUSE GREAT
CONFLICT IF YOU HAVE A SPENDER
AND SAVER TOGETHER.
WE GOT OUR TAX RETURNS
YESTERDAY AND I SAID LET'S GO
SHOPPING.
MY HUSBAND SAID LET'S PAY OUR
COLLEGE TUITION.
THE LAST QUESTION IS ARE YOU
WILLING TO CHANGE DIAPERS IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT OR MISS
AN IMPORTANT MEETING IF ONE OF
OUR KIDS IS SICK?
IN MOST COUPLES NOW IN 2018
WE ENTER MARRIAGE WANTING TO BE
EQUALS.
WE SAY OUTLOUD THAT WE'LL SHARE
EQUALLY.
WHAT TENDS TO HAPPEN FOR THOSE
COUPLES IS GENDER ROLES TEND TO
SNEAK IN.
PEOPLE THEN GET ANGRY.
IT IS IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT
THIS EARLY THEN REVISIT THE
CONVERSATION.
IT IS OKAY IF YOU BOTH CHOSE
TO LAND ON THE TRADITIONAL
ROLES.
MY BACK STILL HURTS FROM
SHOVELING BUT MY WIFE MADE
WONDERFUL MEALS WHILE WE DID
DIFFERENT THINGS.
THE ROLES SWITCH AND YOU HAVE
TO BE FLEXIBLE.