[High Five] Top of the morning to ya laddies! My name is Jacksepticeye, and welcome back to "Totally Accurate Battle Simulator"
I have all the levels completed
and I didn't know if I was going to do anymore but I wanted to get in and try out the sandbox a bit more
because the sandbox was super fun the last time and I don't think I really, like, pushed it to its limits, well...
I can't...the game should run pretty damn well because I have a BEAST of a computer
*punch noise*
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, COMPUTER?! YEAH!
but for some reason
I don't know. Since they upgraded to Windows 10, it seems to be occupying a lot more of my CPU than it should be
Um... So some games run a bit worse than they should but I have another computer downstairs that's...
should probably change to that one- but, I just want to put a bunch of peasants in (Don't, it's a bad idea..)
either side and... play
*laughter*
C'mon! At least run...
Oooooh
Nooooooo (I told you it was a bad idea..)
It doesn't EVEN run
Crap, man! (duduudududu CRAPMAN!)
Right, okay
datter notta gonna work (That's not going to work)
so lets put...
Let's just put uh bunch of them
twenty-seven,
twenty-seven either side.
There we go, Perfect!
Perfect!
Twenty-seven on twenty-seven. (Twenty seven pilots on each side)
Go lads!
Fight to the death!
Cause I've seen other people play this game and it runs pretty damn well for them no matter what amount
of stuff they put in, so..
Oh yes!
FIGHT
FIGHT FOR GLORY! (GLORY TO ARSTOTZKA!!)
Bring me another
C'mon!
C'mon reds!
Take it back!
The blues kept winning last time,
The reds are gonna win this time.
Red victory
Red victory!
Do it men!
YESSSSSSS
Red wins, red always means
Red means DEAD.
Right, so we're gonna clear that. And I wanna see what happens, if I put...
Four catapults vs four catapults.
Now, they're not gonna be perfect
because I can't line them up absolutely perfect.
Well, I COULD if I took the time, but do I look like a man who takes time to do stuff? (Nope.)
Hell no!
Nice!
Go lads!
Go lads, fight!
Fight for your freedom!
Oh god,
it takes your forever to get in range of each other!
Oh, reds are gonna win.
Reds are just gonna win, that's all there is to it.
That's all she wrote!
Goodnight, sweet prince! (*cough* Mark)
Or maybe not, the wheels are going off that one.
Yes!
C'mon now!
Get those blues!
Teach those blues a lesson!
Blues means lose.
Reds means deads. (Nice grammar, Jack.)
Shit.
Wait...
But you guys are fine!
You just knocked the wheels off, thats all.
That was a lame-o.
You know what rhymes with lame-o?
Ka-Blame-o...?
Yaaaahhh
*regrets all life decisions*
Shut up, I didn't say I was good at jokes.
Okay!
Six...
BALLISTERS (Ballistas)
either side.
Now let's watch these guys fight!
I'm very curious.
I'm not trying to put in too many things, I'm just trying to see what beats what.
...And then we can dick around a bit more.
Oh, go lads.
Go lads, fight for your country.
These guys have more range than the... catapults!
But catapults are supposed to be for like sieges to take out... BUILDINGS
They should have way more range!
Then again, they do have heavier projectiles...
Are you guys serious?!
It's like watching a bunch of dumbs fight!
(wow rude)
Sitting on either side of the playground, throwing snowballs at each other
and nobody's hitting anybody!
GET IN RANGE!
*extremely long silence, well if you think 3 seconds is long*
I should have known that would happen, I did it before!
When I put them in,
remember I was fighting that level,
and all the ballistas were left and they wouldn't fight each other?
FINE.
There we go, eight cannons.
Shit, c'mon!
nOo
I want my cannons like dis!
Ye-he-hes! (Yes)
Ohhh, it's going to be a fucking battle for the ages...
Let's get down and low with George, here.
How'ya George? (George Washington?)
How's it going? (I'm good. Thanks)
Are you ready to kill people?
The depth of field in this game is fucking atrocious.
It's like you slightly off and then everything goes out of focus!
Oh god, Why did you have to get so close to each other!?
OH!
WE HAVE SOME CASUALTIES!
WE HAVE FLOATING CANNONS, PEOPLE!
Floating cannons falling on top of other cannons and killing each other.
I only have one cannon left on red side...
Two cannons- one cannon!
ONE CANNON!
*auctioneer voice* One cannon a-bada-badall one cannon one cannon nufun nufun-three one
fu-fun three one cannons gonna lose oh who's gonna lose oh one cannons flying all OH OH one cannons
three one wanafun *gasp*
Will you fucking hit each other?!
(That was a fucking nightmare to sub, Jack)
(You better appreciate me)
(Oh god there's more)
There we go!
*Auctioneer again* One cannon fighting two one cannon fighting two oh who's gonna lose who's gonna win
one cannon fighting two one down one cannon down oh who's gonna win *gasp*
I can't do this forever! (Me neither, bub)
You're supposed to kill each other by now!
YES!
*ugh more auctioneer* One cannon v one cannon oh who's gonna win who's gonna win one cannon woah dooahn almost
knock him out almost n-knock him out waka v one cannon
OH
SOLD!
TO THE MAN ON THE RED TEAM!
*clap*
WHOOO!
That was fucking,
out- oh...
I don't know if you can see,
It looks like I have my back to the edge of the chair,
But edge of chair, *points* butt.
Right there.
Ri- that means I was on the edge of my seat, by the way.
If that wasn't clear.
I don't know if that was clear...
Okay.
A whole
oohhh mother of god.
Okay that's a BAD idea.
Um
Let's put a whole back row of footmen in,
Can get thirty-one.
Okay, and just put this closer because...
Only
OK
There's only 30 on that side.
*weird hiccupy thing*
Okay, this runs decently. There's about 60 units onscreen, and they run okay!
I mean, PHYSICALLY they don't run very well because they all look stupid.
But here we go!
Yes, yes!
Ting ting ting! *slash noise* AHHH
Just imagine all the battle sounds going on.
Cause the battle sounds in game are kinda derpy.
Just imagine like braveheart going on- Holy fuck!
Red guys are like gang banging this dude!
Get him dudes!
It's an all red victory day today! (The reds are REDeeming themselves!)
Means nothing, but whatever- shut up.
Here we go, now we're gonna have a front line and a backline, and
just to warn you-
this is probably going to run like dog shit.
I mean imagine a dog ate dog shit, and then shit out the dog shit- (SHITCEPTION!)
That's how this is going to run. But, we're going to see who wins!
Yeah okay it's choppy as all hell, but I just want to see it!
Cause it'll start to lighten up once everybody dies.
That's just, or... unless their fucking dead bodies still have active physics in them.
Did you see that one blue dude!? (Which one? George from earlier?)
He ran at the red guys like "AAAAHHH" No fucking fear, at all, in that man!
Hey, still running a little poopy... Oh there we go.
It's freed up- This dude is OUT. (Cya!)
This dude just does not care about battle.
He's going over to pay his respects to fucking Johnny Longbottoms over here.
He's gonna fall over the graves and kill himself.
Okay, you guys are having your own dance party out here...
*weird pulse noise*
That's fine!
The reds... Ohhh it's going to be a red victory again.
Thats- Ohhh man!
Last blue, get him! Get him, Steve! Dudes, he's killing everyone!
What a fucking beast!
He's going berserk on them!
Ohh wait...
Fucking... Jimmy Billy Bob over here is still stuck in a tree.
He's- *laughter*
*laughter*
He's trying to fucking moonwalk!
He was listening to Michael Jackson earlier and he was just like,
"You know what? Imma fucking try that. With a sword in my hand."
*laughter*
Ah, my guys are coming to fuck you up bro! (rip Jimmy Billy Bob, one day he'll become a Thriller zombie..)
YEAH GET HIM!
*laughter*
Oh, that was awesome!
Okay, what else can we try? That went surprisingly well. 120 units on screen
seems to be okay. Well, I guess it depends on the units
Oh, let's do this 69 and 60... 9 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). 69 v 69
I wanna see what its like when a bunch of fuckin' poachers firing arrows at each other
Ohh, it runs like the dog's anus!
But that's FINE. I shouldn't be so mean to dogs.. (Yeah.) Dogs are nice, I love dogs. I love doggos.
Look at all the blues falling!
FIGHT, MEN!
KILL 'EM ALL!
A battle the world has never seen before.
A bunch of archers fucking each other in the butts!
Go lads!
FIIIIGHT!
FIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
I think reds are going to win again.
Why are the reds all winning today?
Do I have some sort of bias?
Oh, look at all the dead-ers..
The Dead Reds! (Is that a new metal band?)
And the Lose Blues! (Is that a new continuation of Blues Clues?)
[ABURURRRURBURUBRUBUR and laughter] (Umm.. Jack? Are you okay?)
Ohh, 'kay.
What else can we do?
This is fun. I love just dicking around.
Umm..
Okay, let's actually TRY something. (Cause we totally weren't doing so the entire vid)
Aw, it's gonna take me forever to set this up,
Nah, I'm not gonna set- *sigh*
Okay, let's do it.
Let's do it.
There's 12 spearmen over there- Err, 12 shields and I'm gonna put 12 spearmen
in behind them.
They're not perfectly aligned, I know. Hold on to your fucking goats but.. Ahh shit
I messed it up... but I don't have the time or the patience to be
doing that. I'll do this like this.
So there's 12.. 12 things and.. 13 other dudes
Music's pretty fucking cool in this game. Reminds me of Rock of Ages.
GO, LADS!
This is a- This is a real battle. This is a real fight. People have already dropped
their spears on my side,
I mean the red side. I don't have a side in this race. I don't have any horse in this battle.
C'MON, LADS, FUCK EACH OTHER UP! YES! YES! YES!
FIIGHT! Fight my minions, fight! Kill each other! DESTROY, DESTROY.
Fucking blues are fucking shit up right now.
GET 'EM, MEN!
YEAH!! FUCK 'EM UP!
What are you guys doing?
You can't stick each other with spears or a guy- a blue guy's gonna come over
and stick it up your arse! That's why you lost.
They were trying to s- slap each other with their spears, take whatever innuendo you want out of that.
and then he got stuck in his endo... *laughter* Right..
I think it's time to chariot it up.
Okay, no those are not perfect.
That's not perfect. There we go, and uh, oh, no, what? *strange sounds*
OH! There we go! We did it. We got there in the end, everybody.
Congratulations. You win a basketball. (:D)
NO!
NOO!
Remove those! HAHA!! Men!
[Russian accent] Let it been known is that the GREAT CHARIOT RACE OF ALL TIME
Took place right here in T.A.B.S, oh yeah.
OHH.. BAHAHAHA
Hehehehehe. Aw, the horses are just like "Hey Steve, hey George, what's going on?
What have you been eating? Just grass?
That's okay, me too." I like how the horse's legs as well just go like, around and
around and around. WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!... It's fuckin' pretty epic though, only one
chariot has died so far. Well, more have now, but it was only one dead blue guy
before.
It's very confusing that all- Red victory! I didn't even see how or why. (Me neither.)
It just sort of happened. Let's do that again let's see if- Oh right into the
battle. Right in at the clash
Oh yes.. OH YEAHH!!
FUCK 'EM UP! OH, DUDE! He went flying! Look at his little butt. *laughs*
Wait, can I- I thought the camera was pushing him.
You just. Oh, god, he's dead. I know I'm not even focusing on the battle
but this guy's plight, this guy's struggle REALLY means a lot to me, okay?
Red victory again... nice.
Just seems to be the same all the time. Heh. Um.. Right. What else haven't we tried?
We haven't tried archers..
Ohhh.. That's a mistake (Yep.)
That's very pleasing though, it's not a mistake, that's only 60.
Okay, no, I need you to be all on the same line.
Come on, come on! Why can't I keep a straight line with my mouse?
WHAT IS THIS? All these fucking years in Microsoft Paint.. They're going to pay off!
60 v 60. I could not get it any more balanced than that. It's weird as some of
them have bigger gaps than others, though. It seems you should be all the same but
like these are really close together but those are really far apart.
Just think of it as teeth; sometimes some are further apart than others.
Here we go, this is going to run like balls but it's going to be epics.
It's going to be SOOOO triple epics.
Yes! Come on, lads! 120 seems to be the-
the most I can get out without having AWFUL frame rates. Oh, look at this
FUCK YEAH, LADS!
OH, LOOK AT THE ARROWS FLY! That's so cool! Why are you all facing different directions?
Oh my god, that's awesome! Guys are just dying left and right! OH, that's so cool!
KILL 'EM ALL! FUCK 'EM UP! (Jack's most famous lines while playing T.A.B.S)
Are we winning? Even though I- I don't- I keep thinking that I'm red side just
because that's the way the normal game plays it out.
Come on! Yeah! Fuck 'em up! Somebody- *laughter* Did you see that? Somebody stuck an arrow in his bow!
Oh that sucks, some guy behind him like stuck an arrow in his bow and that's what made
him lose his bow.
Okay, it seems like blue is going to win this.
Who has money on blue? You got money on blue? You got money on blue? Oh, red man here!
Red man two to one odds, two to one odds. Blue. Oh, we got five to one odds!
Oh, you wanna go betting blue? Betting blue. *gibberish then laughter* [FLASHBACK]: *gibberish then laughter, again* wtf is happening?
I wanna be a guy in an auction who slams down his
gavel every know and then. It'd be so much fun. Do you ever listen to the dudes do that
professionally like actually sounding proper when they do it? Oh, and the reds come
back!
The reds come back to mess you up.
RED VICTORY!! That was amazing
Awh, I can't zoom in on them. There was a guy just standing there going "Help." *laughter*.
Right.. That was pretty cool. Is there anything that I haven't done? Umm..
I haven't done this..
I mean it's not going to work
Well, it might be cause that's only 53. Oh god we got way less on this side.
Okay, I'm might have to clear and go again
Here we go, here we go. Yes, YES, YESS.
That's a lot less again..
MOTHERFUCKER.
Okay, let's see if we can do this..
Ha!
Nah, bruh. Nah, dude. Okay, we just take out some of the back ones here and leave it 48 v 48
THE GREAT CANNON BATTLE BEGINS!
There's fucking guys dying, Elastic Man is in here.
I didn't know fucking Mr. Fantastic was in the middle of it.
GOOOO!
Oh yes, that's what I want to see in a battle: cannons and dudes going everywhere.
Flopping around, dying, being blasted in the ass! Who's still alive? I don't even know
who's alive and who's dead yet.
Oh there's a lot of blues alive. Oh my god, the blues fucked him up.
That was cool. Hehe. Okay. Well I'm gonna leave this episode here there's a lot more
dicking around I could do but it- it gets a bit repetitive after a while and
so I wanted to get in the sandbox and just do an episode of that and focus solely
on what you can do in it.
I hope that they update the game soon with more levels and fix some of the AI
I mean if the AI is a bit smarter then.. I mean there's- there's joy in
watching just random dudes go after random dudes and watching the stupidity
of it all, but for a functional game
it gets very frustrating after a while, so if the AI has better pathing where
they don't kill each other and all that stuff so often and they actually go after
different guys PROPERLY then it would be really fun.
I mean you could have a dumb mode if you want but I would like a smarter
version of it because it is pretty damn fun to get in and strategize
all your guys in lines but then if that all falls apart because the AI is
too stupid,
then it kind of ruins the battle tactics that you could set up for yourself.
Imagine some of the battle scenarios you can make so I'd love to see some-
some more units, maybe? I mean I don't know what else there would be
We pretty much have all the basic kind of units that you have, maybe men on
horses instead of chariots. Just straight men on saddleback. That might be cool and
I'd like to see some more levels. But who am I to say, if they just did more of
the same of what this is, it would still be fucking fun. I love this game but for
now, thank you guys so much for watching this episode if you liked it PUNCH that
like button in the face
LIKE A BOSSS!! And, [close to the microphone] high fives all around
WAPUSHH, WAPUSHH. Thank you guys and I will see all you dudes.. IN THE NEXT VIDEO!!!
*outro music*
[Russian accent] First you got to get into battle then you got to eat toast! Strong meal for battle!